


simply tired

by highqualityziam



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Abusive Mother, Anal Sex, Barebacking, Bottom Michael, Boyband, Broken Families, Depressed Michael, Depression, Dom Luke, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Luke Hemmings - Freeform, M/M, Muke - Freeform, Muke Clemmings, Muke af, ON WATTPAD TOO, Rating: M, Sad Michael, Self Harm, Sub Michael, Top Luke, bareback, broken home, drunk mother, luke hemmings smut, michael clifford smut, muke smut, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-14
Updated: 2016-07-20
Packaged: 2018-03-07 14:26:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 56
Words: 52,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3176018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/highqualityziam/pseuds/highqualityziam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael is sad and Luke really wants to change that.</p><p>also on my wattpad (hardcoremuke)</p><p>TRIGGER WARNING</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Luke's pov:

why does he always have his head to the ground? why do people make fun of him? why doesn't he talk? 

I want to know more about Michael Clifford. I want to know why he dyes his hair so many beautiful colors. I want to know what his favorite movie is and what music he likes. I even want to know how he looks right when he wakes up. it sounds incredibly creepy because we've never talked, but I've just always wondered about him. he makes me curious. 

I want to know all of those things, but the thing that I want to know most, is why could I see all of those deep scars on his wrist.he had walked by me with his sweater sleeve pulled up the slightest bit, and I can't help but wonder what could have made this angel do that? 

as I sit in class thinking about this, I come to a realization. I have never even attempted to talk to this boy I have such a fascination with, and so I'm kind of confused as to why not. I know that I'm considered semi popular because I'm friends with calum hood. people talk about Michael and call him 'freak' but I wouldn't care if they got mad if I talked to him. now it is very prominent that I am being a dick, just because I'm nervous to talk to my crush.

I said crush, because he's been my secret crush since freshman year. every time I'm in a bad mood my brain always goes to Michael to cheer me up, and I don't know why this whole thing was driving me crazy. 

why was this bugging me? I hadn't even talked to him and everyone said he was lame, so why did I care about the scars on his wrists or the pain in his eyes?


	2. chapter two

michael's pov:  
I want this class to be over. I just wanna go home and be alone.   
I used to wish for people to notice me, but I'm so used to people ignoring me.   
I just don't want to have to talk to anybody because when I do talk to people they just make fun of me.   
I used to care when people made fun of me, but I'm just to the point when I don't care, it's almost like I can just block it out.   
finally the bell rang and so I took my time so that I could be the last person out so that no one can come up behind me and push me because that seems to be one of the most popular ways to make my life shit.   
I'm so tired of everything, and I just look forward to being in my cold house rather than here because then the only person that can hurt me is myself.   
I know that I'm pathetic but I stopped caring a long time ago.   
I ended up walking in front of a popular kid named luke that was probably way too hot for his own good because I don't think he really understands just how perfect he is and that's unfortunate.  
I tried to walk fast so that I could just get out of his way but when I stepped out of the classroom I was tripped and I fell down and I thankfully caught my hands on the floor before my face hit, but I was surrounded with obnoxious laughter and I turned over and looked up to see Luke's hand outstretched for mine and so I reluctantly took it, because I never knew when someone was just going to hurt me again.  
he pulled me up and I felt his eyes on my wrists once again and I tugged down my sleeve with my other hand and he held on to me for what felt like forever and I couldn't make eye contact with him because he was actually being comforting and it was a new concept to me.  
I walked away from him and the crowd of staring people and went into the bathroom and went into a stall and just sat down and let myself cry silently because I was used to humiliation but it was worse when someone you don't have a reason to hate yet is there and watching. that same person was actually nice and helpful and it was just too much to take in. 

third person:

Michael looked down at his wrists and he had been scratching his cuts without realizing it and he was bleeding so he got tissues on them and flushed them down the toilet when the blood finally decided to chill the fuck out.   
he was upset at himself that he could be so stupid that he reopened his cuts at school but he was just so stressed out and he didn't know how to handle it anymore.   
after he left the bathroom he just decided to go to class and be late because if he went home now he would probably regret it.  
when he walked into science he was greeted by an angry mr. lanyard.   
"oh mr. Clifford, looks like you finally decided to come to class. let's have everybody give you a round of applause!" the class laughed and michael just kept his head down. he didn't want to say anything because it would probably make it worse and he'd probably cry and who knows what could happen if he did that.   
"detention, clifford, after school."   
"okay."  
"okay class so when we look at atoms, we discover..." he was able to zone out the rest of the day and he just wanted to go home. he would ditch but they would find out and then he would be in bigger trouble, not at home because his mom is a drunk, but at school because mr. lanyard was determined to make his life more shit than it already was.  
after sixth period he quickly made his way to mr. Lanyard's class.   
when he got there he discovered that a familiar boy with blonde hair and blue eyes that he had just previously had an awkward encounter with was in there.   
Luke Hemmings


	3. chapter three

(third person) 

when luke heard that michael was going to have to be in detention he decided that he needed to finally work up the courage to talk to him because he had to know him. he knew that nobody ever talked to him and he wanted to change that.

so when mr. Lanyard asked luke if he would pass back graded papers he just said, "fuck off," and that was enough to to get him detention after school so he just stayed in because he had that class sixth period anyway. he texted his mom and told her that he was staying after and she said it was fine.

as he waited he started to get a little nervous because he didn't know exactly how to start up a conversation with the guy that he liked but had never even attempted to talk to. before he could think about it too much, he walked in. 

he looked really sweet and luke slightly smiled and michael looked incredibly nervous, and luke knew that it was probably because of what happened earlier when he fell. 

luke decided to just ignore how nervous he was and he just motioned for michael to sit by him. 

michael almost looked scared and it made Luke's heart hurt. 

he walked over there and sat down anyway and just looked to the ground and played with the sleeves of his sweater and luke just thought that it was adorable.

"so, michael why are you in here?" luke was talking to michael and all michael could think, was

why is he talking to me? 

and

why does he even know my name?

"I was late to class."

"that's a dumb reason for him to put you in detention." michael quietly chuckled before saying,

"yeah well he fucking hates me and he's a complete asshole, so you know."

luke chuckled and michael did too but he was just so confused as to why luke was talking to him.

"I just told him to fuck off." they both laughed quietly and then michael actually turned to him but still only made eye contact every few seconds,

"so why are you talking to me? I- I'm not trying to sound like a dick, it's just that people don't like talk to me- ever, and you're popular so like that's just weird, even you have to admit that."

"I guess- I just want- I don't know I just want to know about you."

"but why?"

"you interest me."

"I don't interest anybody."

"I think you're wrong on that one."

michael didn't even know what to say so he just lightly shook his head and tried to swallow past the lump in his throat. 

"so who's your favorite band?"

"um that's a hard question. but I really like greenday and blink 182."

"woah man, me too."

"really?"

"honestly yeah."

"that's cool." 

they ended up whispering the whole period even though they were told to be quiet about twenty times. 

when it was time to leave, luke was walking out of the classroom with michael before turning to him,

"do you walk home?"

"yeah, my mom isn't awake usually to pick me up." luke was confused but ignored it.

"do you want a ride."

"it's okay, I'm used to walking."

"well I'm going to drive you anyway." he laughed and put his hand on michaels shoulder and walked with him to his car and he smiled at the height difference because he practically towered over michael. 

when they got to luke's black truck he opened the door for michael and it made michael blush and he mumbled a "thanks" before getting in.

luke got in and turned on the heat because it was freezing outside. 

before he pulled out of the school, he pulled out his phone and opened it up to contacts and handed it to michael. 

"put your number in so that if you ever need a ride or anything, you can text or call me, okay?" michael took the phone from him and put his name and number in,

"okay, thanks." michael's hands were shaking because he was so nervous and he stared out the window and could feel Luke's eyes on him every few seconds, and it made him feel like Luke cared. he didn't understand why, but it did.

michael handed him his phone back and he set it down and started driving and Luke played music. the only time they talked on the way was when michael would say where to turn. 

when they got to Michael's house, Luke was actually disappointed that he had to say goodbye to him. 

michael opened the door and got out of the truck and put on his backpack. 

"thanks for the ride luke."

"your welcome, anytime okay?"

"okay."

"seriously, anytime."

"okay thanks." he closed the door and walked up and put in the key code for the garage and the door opened and he went in that way. luke waved to him and he slightly smiled and when he went inside he just wondered 

what the fuck just happened?

why is luke being so fucking nice to me, and why do I like it so much when he talks to me? why do I look forward to seeing him at school tomorrow when he's probably just going to ignore me there anyway? 

he went into the living room where an empty vodka bottle was on the coffee table and his mom was laying on the couch asleep and Michael grabbed the blanket that was on the back of the couch and covered her up with it, before kissing her on the cheek and going upstairs to do his homework before showering and then finally going to bed. 

when he woke up in the morning, he went to the bathroom and then went back into his room to check his phone and he got a text from a random number 

hey it's luke lol I'm gonna pick you up for school at 7:40 :)

wow, no it's okay you don't have to.

it wasn't a question ;)

okay, your choice haha

yep

Michael was trying to act normal but he couldn't get over how weird this entire situation was. he was actually starting to make a friend again. 

when he got dressed, he decided on a light purple and white flannel and black jeans, and it was weird because it pretty much matched his hair. 

when he made his way outside to sit on the stairs he saw in his living room that the blanket was back on the couch and the vodka bottle wasn't there anymore, so he assumed that his mom just went to her bed. 

he sat on the steps and waited for Luke as he ignored his stomach yelling at him for not eating. just as he was going to run inside to grab some food, Luke's truck pulled up and the music was playing really loud and Luke actually got out of his car just to open the door for Michael, and it made him blush. 

"oh by the way I got us McDonalds because I wasn't sure if you had eaten yet, have you?"

"no, thank you oh my gosh."

"your welcome, I thought that'd be cool."

"yeah, you really didn't have to."

"no it's totally fine." 

they pulled away and started eating and Luke played the music again to fill the silence and Michael was just happy and confused. he just didn't understand why Luke was all of a sudden being so nice to him. 

when they arrived at school michael thanked luke again and they went their separate ways and even though people laughed at and tried to trip michael in the hallway, he was still having what he considered a good day.


	4. chapter four

the next two weeks went pretty similar to that. 

Luke would pick up Michael in his truck every morning, and they would go to school. they would go their separate ways, then see each other in english, and then go about their own days, and then Luke would drive Michael home.  the whole situation was actually really good for Michael, because he was finally being able to talk to someone comfortably again.

Michael knew that when Luke said that he could text him whenever he needed something, that he meant it. Michael usually judged people well, and he was able to tell that Luke was a really good guy, and that he wouldn't do anything to hurt Michael.

he had been having a good week, it was surprisingly the happiest that he had felt in a long time. it was difficult because he really liked Luke- a lot. however, he ignored these feelings because he finally didn't feel too alone.

when the next Friday came, Luke texted Michael and told him that he wouldn't be able to drive him to school. he had to go in early to retake a math test, so he went in really early,that way he'd have a long enough time to finish it. he thought that it was strange that Michael didn't answer him back, but he just assumed that his phone was off. yet, he thought that it was even more strange when Michael didn't show up to school. so he assumed that he was sick. 

little did he know, that Michael was crawled up underneath his covers, because in the middle of the night, Michael had been woken up by his mom storming into his room. she yelled at him in a drunken rage about how it was his fault that his father was in prison, even though all he did was tell his school counselor that he was lonely. his dad was never around, and the counselor was suspicious and the police were called. apparently it was his fault that Michael's father had been addicted to heroine and even selling it, which got him four years in prison. 

his had mom thrown his blanket off of him and slapped him in the face. he had scooted back into the corner and just curled his knees up to his chest and sat there until she stopped yelling. when she finally left him alone to cry himself to sleep, and he just wound up crying for hours until he felt like he had no more tears in his body to cry out. 

so Michael didn't get out of bed when his alarm went off, and he didn't get up when he heard his text tone, and he definitely didn't get up when he heard the front door open and close, which signaled that his mom left the house. 

he just stayed under his tear stained black comforter for what must have been hours. he eventually heard knocks on his front door and he knew it wasn't his mom, so who could it have been?

that question answered itself when he heard a familiar low, yet comforting voice call out his name and it accured to him that his mom was probably too hungover to remember to even lock the fucking door. 

what made him even more disappointed, is that she wasn't even able to come and apologize for her actions. yet again, she probably doesn't even remember what she did that night, and that makes the entire situation a million times more pathetic. 

he heard several doors around his room being knocked on and then his door was knocked on. he heard his name, and all he could manage to do was grunt, his own voice echoing under the covers. he heard his door being opened, and a few footsteps on his carpet, before he felt a warm body crawling up next to him. the figure slid under the covers so that Michael's back was pressed to them and he turned around, met with bright blue eyes full of worry.

Michael's heart seemed to tighten in his chest,  
"Luke?"

the boy didn't answer, he just wrapped his arms around Michael's middle and let Michael's head rest on his chest. all that Michael could hear was Luke's quiet heartbeat, and all Luke could smell, was the faint smell of dried blood from Michael's wrists. Michael wasn't even aware that he had scratched and reopened them during his breakdown. Luke sighed and was filled with the need to hold Michael closer.

despite the type of day, they both drifted to sleep, every negative thing in the world fading away for a little while. 

•••

Luke woke up first, and when he looked down he could still see the bright color of Michael's hair pressed to his chest.  
when he stirred, he seemed to get closer and closer to Luke and it was pretty much the cutest thing that he has ever seen.

soon, he heard a tiny yawn and Michael looked up at Luke, lightly smiling back. Luke couldn't really control when he smiled around Michael.   
"what's wrong?"

Michael stiffened, but controlled himself quickly,  
"nothing's wrong."

"Michael, don't give me that shit. you barely miss a day of school even though you get picked on." he sighed and rubbed Michael's shoulder soothingly. "so the reason behind you not coming to school must be an important factor in this."

Michael stuttered a little, shaking his head,  
"look, it's totally fine I was just tired- okay?"

Luke sighed,  
"it's okay, you don't have to tell me. we haven't known each other for that long, I know."

Michael bit his lip,  
"okay." 

"okay." 

Michael didn't know how else to make the atmosphere less uncomfortable,  
"would you mind if I went downstairs and got us some food? I haven't really eaten today."

"yeah okay, that sounds great. do you need help?"

Michael smiled,  
"no, I'm good." 

as Michael was still practically laying   
on top of luke, he was forced to roll and pretty much have his legs on both sides of Luke's waist. Michael chewed on his lip and Luke couldn't help but smile nervously. 

"okay."

Michael smiled,  
"I should probably get the food now." 

Luke laughed and Michael slowly got off Luke and slowly walked out of his room. Luke was just trying to calm himself down because he could barely remember coming here after school. he just knew that he needed to check on him. now he knew that he made the right decision. 

when Michael got downstairs, he went into the small kitchen and looked through the ebony cabinets. he found about five bottles of vodka and three bottles of tequila. 

the only actual food that he found in the cabinets, were a loaf of bread and some spices. 

when he thought to look in the fridge, the volt appetizing things he found were a Baggie of some store bought cookies, a few bottles of water and a package of ham lunchmeat and cheese slices.

so he got out the cheese and the ham and decided to make them sandwiches. he grabbed a few cookies and set them on the plates and grabbed two water bottles out of the fridge, and ripped a few paper towels off of the roll. he looked around to make sure that he didn't forget anything, and then made his way back upstairs to his room. 

when he got in there, Luke had turned over so that he was laying on his stomach and he heard him come inside, so he turned over and got up and grabbed the plate that Michael was handing to him and sat back down on the bed. 

Michael walked up and sat by him and they ate in silence for several minutes before Michael spoke,  
"so why did you come here?"

"what do you mean?" Luke took a bite out of his sandwich and shrugged.

Michael sighed,  
"why did you want to come?"

"I was worried about you."

Michael blushed, unable to think of anything for a moment. he sighed and responded,  
"why were you worried?"

Luke laughed breathlessly,  
"because you weren't at school."

"I could have just been sick."

Luke smirked,  
"I'm allowed to be worried if you're sick."

Michael rolled his eyes,  
"I know but- why are you here when I'm not?"

Luke smiled,  
"you didn't answer your phone."

"oh," he seemed to think for a moment, "I still don't understand why you cared." Michael was looking at Luke like he seriously didn't understand and Luke took a deep breath.

"because I care about you."

Michael lightly shook his head and looked to the floor. he didn't know why Luke showed any kind of interest in him so suddenly. he was such a lonely person, that this was so strange. he hadn't had friends in years. Luke grabbed the plate of food out of Michael's hands and set both of theirs on the floor. 

Luke leaned forward and touched Michael's chin, bringing Michael's eyes to meet Luke's. he could see the weakness and worry in Michael's eyes and he couldn't take it anymore. he hated seeing Michael like this. he was so beautiful, and Luke felt so overwhelmed with his feelings for the boy, that he leaned in and pressed their lips together. it was light and gentle, but it held so much emotion. 

they lingered there for a few more seconds and then they pulled away and the whole world snapped back into reality. they both felt like they forgot how to breathe without each other and the whole day felt like a blur.


	5. chapter five

when they pulled away the first time they felt all light and nervous and Michael walked up and straddled luke and pulled away.

with each time that they pulled away they felt more and more comfortable with each other. 

they did this for almost an hour before Michael just flopped down by Luke and laid across Luke's chest.

they laid there for a few hours until Luke tapped on Michael's shoulder to bring his eyes up to meet Luke's.

"I should probably go because I don't really like driving in the dark."

"you can just stay over."

"really?"

"yeah, just ask your mom."

"okay."

Luke called his mom and she said it was fine.

when he got off the phone, Luke walked up and got on top Michael, and kissed him.

But this time, the kiss was rough and had more passion. this time, the kiss was full of care and want. 

Michael felt weighed down and suffocated but he liked it. 

he liked it because he was so used to feeling alone, he was so alone that he felt like we wasn't even around anymore, so to have someone be with him like this meant that he wasn't alone. it meant that someone finally cared.


	6. chapter six

Michael and Luke spent most of the night like this.

the last time that they dosed off turned into them sleeping for a couple hours.

it was Michael who woke up first, and he looked up to see Luke lightly snoring under him, and he got up and straddled Luke's hips and leaned down and kissed him on the cheek. 

Luke's eyes slowly fluttered open and he leaned up to meet Michael's lips with his. 

after about a minute or so, Michael slowly got off of Luke and started to go downstairs.

Luke followed Michael downstairs and into the kitchen, where they were met with barely any food and lots of alcohol and Luke started to get a glimpse of Michael's life, and it explained why Michael was so thin and he felt bad. he wished he could have just gotten over his nerves and talked to him earlier, because he could have met him sooner, and maybe, just maybe, one of those cuts on his arms wouldn't have gotten there if Luke had talked to him sooner.

they decided to go for breakfast and so they walked outside and got inside Luke's truck. 

"Luke, I don't have any money."

"I'm paying for you."

"you don't need to do that, I'm fine."

"shut up. I just spent all night making out with my crush, let me buy you breakfast."

"your crush?"

"leave me alone."

they both laughed and Luke pulled out of the driveway.

as Luke drove, Michael couldn't help but look at Luke. 

Luke was just so beautiful and sweet and he honestly didn't know why he was being nice but he just knew that each time their lips met, he felt the slightest bit less sad, and he really didn't want to lose him. 

when they arrived at a diner a few blocks away, they looked around and Michael was glad that there weren't many people because he's never been good with that.

they got out of the car, they walked up and through the front doors and up to a brunette with a pleasant smile and Michael could tell she was eying Luke.

"is it just you two?"

"yes, thank you."

"I'll take you to your table."

they both followed the girl to a booth near the back of the diner, where it was in the shade and there weren't many people around so that was good. 

Michael sat on the right bench of the booth and Luke sat on the left and they were handed two menus and ordered water. 

when the waitress walked away they looked down at their menus and Michael lightly laughed before saying,

"is it ridiculous to order a personal pizza for breakfast?"

"not at all." they laughed and in a few minutes the waitress came back.

"what can I get you guys?" she was smiling at Luke and he just gestured to Michael, who spoke.

"um I'll just have the personal cheese pizza please." he was really quiet and Luke smiled because it was so adorable.

"I'll have the pancakes with a hash brown please."

"okay, I'll try to bring those soon."

the waitress walked away and Luke looked up at Michael and they smiled at each other. 

Luke noticed Michael's smile falter when he looked near the door.

"Michael what's wrong?"

he shook his head and looked at the floor.

"who is it?"

"just a guy from school."

"is he mean to you?"

"I don't want to talk about him." 

Luke looked around and recognized the guy that was known to be the biggest asshole out of the whole school. his name was david. he sleeps with just about every slut in the school and bullies kids for no reason. Michael seemed to be his main person that he was mean to. 

everything seemed to be okay until David's eyes caught sight of Michael,

"what the fuck are you doing here?"

Michael didn't say anything, he just looked down at the table and Luke slid out of the table and kept gradually walking toward him.

"no the real question is, what the fuck are YOU doing here?" 

"what the fuck did you say to me?"

"what did you say to Michael?" 

"do you mean your boyfriend?"

"yeah, maybe I do, so why the fuck do you care?"

"look I'll leave you two alone to go fuck in the bathroom." he looked so disgusted and Luke began to have so much hate for him. 

"thank you." David laughed and flipped off Michael before walking back to his table.

when David walked away Luke walked over and sat by Michael. 

he touched his knee to comfort him and he could sense how tense Michael felt. 

pretty soon the waitress came with their food and set it by them, and it was obvious that she had seen at least a fraction of what happened because she didn't say anything. she just set the food on the taxable and walked away really fast.

Michael kept his eyes trained to the floor, and Luke's eyes were locked on Michael. 

Luke scooted closer to Michael and leaned forward and cupped Michael's face in his hands. 

Michael finally looked up with a look that was filled with weakness. 

"Michael." 

Michael let out a shaky,

"yeah," before Luke leaned up and kissed him in the softest way possible and his hands that were on Luke's face weren't pulling or rough, his hands were gentle, it's like they were just resting there. 

Michael kissed him back and the kiss continued to be as gentle as possible, and when they pulled away they didn't say anything because they didn't know what to say. 

so they sat in silence as they finished their food and when they got out to the truck they remained silent until they were parked in Michael's driveway.

for once it was Michael that spoke first.

"I'm sorry you had to do that."

"you're sorry I had to do what?"

"talk to David."

"I chose to talk to him."

"yeah, but you had to like stand up for me."

"I wanted to do that."

"no."

"what do you mean?"

"I just don't understand why you want to be so nice to me!"

"because I like you."

"why?"

"why is it so hard to you believe?"

"because I'm just- I'm just-"

"you're just what?"

"I'm not like that. people don't want me. I don't understand this."

"I'm sorry- I don't know how to make you understand."

"I just don't know."

"did you notice something?"

"what?"

"did you notice something."

"Luke, I honestly don't know what the fuck you're talking about, so you're gonna have to help me out."

"when we were back there, you know, at the diner, David called you my boyfriend."

"yeah I noticed."

"did you notice me correct him?"

"no. but- what do you mean."

"I mean that I just- I really like you, and I- I want that."

"you want what?"

"I want- Michael, I - I want to be with you." 

Michael looked at him in the eyes this time. 

Michael wanted to see fake emotions in Luke's eyes like he was lying, but all that Michael could see was sincerity. 

"I- why do you- I- why do you- I don't even know what to say."

"it's okay if you don't feel the same way."

"Luke, oh my gosh, there is just- there would never be a time when I wouldn't feel the same way."

they both smiled and Michael went inside his house and spent Sunday texting Luke all day. 

he felt so great, and he could tell that this was good for both of them.


	7. chapter seven

Sunday went by way too fast and when Monday morning came, michael didn't want to get out of bed. 

he hadn't seen his mom since that night and he was so confused with how his life was going.

he was starting to actually talk to people again.

he was just wondering when this was going to end. 

he knew that things like this couldn't happen to him anymore. 

he had learned that once he tells people things, they will just leave him. it's happened once and he knows that it's going to happen again, and that's quite terrifying.

after deciding that he wasn't going to get up, and he began to fall back asleep, his mind drifted to a beautiful blonde boy with blue eyes, that was guaranteed to make him feel better than laying in bed would, so he groaned and threw his blanket off, instantly feeling all of the warmth that it had provided, leave his body, and he forced himself to swing his legs to the side of his bed, and sit up.

he reached over to his nightstand, where he saw his phone, and he picked it up to check the time,

6:27 am

he realized that he had more time than he thought, so he slowly got up and walked over to his closet, and after staring at the limited wardrobe, he decided on a soft tan sweater and his worn black skinny jeans. 

he pulled the items from his closet, along with a pair of black boxers, and black socks. and made his way into his small bathroom.

he turned on the water to give it time to heat up, and he removed his ripped tshirt and sweatpants, leaving him in his boxers.

he looked at his reflection and frowned.  
he knew that he was really thin, but he didn't know what to do about it, because he felt like he ate enough, but he was just so used to not having that much food in the house, that he usually only ate when he was at school.

he sighed and removed his boxers before stepping into the warm water.   
he looked down to his arms and washed them off, seeing that he had dried blood all over his wrists again.

he took deep breaths, trying to clear his mind, but he couldn't relax, and Michael was really tired of that.  
he washed his hair and body before stepping out and grabbing a towel off the rack, and drying off with it, then resting if around his shoulders.

he got the black boxers off the counter and stepped through and pulled them up in a hurry, because he hated being naked because of his body. 

he slipped on his tight jeans and fastened them up, and throwing his towel on the floor and pulling on the soft sweater, noticing how it hangs loosely on his chest, revealing his prominent collar bones. 

he slipped on his socks, before walking into his room and grabbing his phone off of his nightstand, and making his way downstairs, and into the kitchen where he is met with a hundred dollar bill, and a small note, in his mothers small and messy handwriting,

dear michael,  
I left you the money and this note to let you know that I'll be gone for a few days and I wanted you to have that for food, because we don't have that much.  
sorry for not telling you, but I just needed a break, you know?   
I'll see you soon and take care, try to not spend all of the money, you don't need to eat that much.  
love you,  
mom. xx

Michael rolled his eyes and lightly slammed his fist on the table, before grabbing the money and slipping it behind his phone, inside his phone case and just laughed at the situation because this was ridiculous.

she needed a break?

he looked at his lockscreen to check the time again,

7:33am.

he grabbed his backpack from where it was by the front door, and walked outside and sat on the steps of his porch, scrolling through tumblr as he waited for Luke.

soon enough, the blonde boy drove up in his truck with his arm casually out of the open window, as music played through the speakers.

he parked in the empty space that was Michael's driveway, since his own mother decided she needed a break.  
he got out of the car and walked up to Michael, who had been about to reach down and pick up his backpack.  
before he could even turn to get it, Luke walked up and enveloped Michael into a hug.

Michael's whole body began to be surrounded by warmth and he smiled against Luke's chest.

he breathed in Luke's scent and just closed his eyes and enjoyed the comfort.

Luke soon pulled away but he leaned forward and kissed Michael on the cheek, making both of them blush.  
Michael picked up his backpack, and   
Luke opened the door for him, and he got in the car and Luke closed the door and walked around and got inside and Michael looked to the floor, still thinking about how his mother left.  
his thoughts were interrupted by Luke's hand on his knee, and he looked up,

"are you okay?"

"oh- um yeah- I'm fine." he sent Luke a reassuring smile but Luke still had worry filled in his eyes.

"Michael, please tell me if something's wrong."

"um noth- okay. okay- it's just that my mom left for a few days and I'm just really pissed off."

"what do you mean she left?"

"she left a note, and some money. the note said that she needed a break, and to not spend all the money." he laughed but it was bitter.

"so she didn't even tell you beforehand?"

"no, and she left her phone here too."  
Luke pulled out of the driveway, and started heading for the school, before answering,

"well I don't want you to be there by yourself, so you're going to stay at my house."

"Luke-"

"It's not a choice. my mom will be fine with it."

"I don't want to be a burden."

"Michael, I really need you to understand that you never have, and never will be a burden to me."

they drove to school in silence and when they parked, Luke turned to Michael once more.

"so I'll drive you home today so that you can get some stuff together, then we'll go to mine."

"okay, thank you so much."

they got out of the car and went into school, and went their separate ways, to face a day of pointless information that they're supposed to learn for no reason.


	8. chapter eight

at lunch, Luke made his way into the bathroom and checked to see if anyone was in there, and they weren't so he pulled out his phone and called his mom.

after about two rings she answered,  
"are you okay?" Luke smiled and laughed,

"yeah mom I'm fine, I just have to ask you a favor."

"what is it honey?"

"well um, my friend Michael is going through a hard time and like- he needs  
somewhere to stay because his mom left him for a few days."

he heard a gasp,  
"oh my gosh that's terrible! I don't get how somebody could do that to their kids you don't do that how-"

"Mom. can he stay at ours?"

"yes, of course. I'm sorry." they both laughed a little before Luke answered,  
"well I'm gonna drive him to his after school so that he can get some stuff, and then we'll go over there."

"okay, that's fine."

"and Mom?"

"yeah, sweetie?"

"I like him a lot. um, so don't embarrass me." 

he laughed and she responded,  
"OH LUKE THAT IS SO CUTE. I'll try my best sweetie. is that why you've been so happy recently, and drawn to your phone more than usual?" Luke blushed and rolled his eyes, not knowing what to say.

Luke's mom had been okay that Luke was bi and she had known for a long time. he had never dated a boy, but she was open to the idea, because she just wanted him to be happy.  
"mom I'm gonna hang up, okay? I love you."

"aw honey, okay. love you too."

"bye." he hung up and left the bathroom and got his food, and went about his day.

when the bell ring after their last period of the day, Luke texted Michael and they met up and walked to Luke's car and he, like always, opened the door for Michael, it still making him blush and they drove to Michael's house, and Luke went inside with him to help him pack a few things.

Luke could just smell the strong scent of alcohol and it just made him sad, because Michael didn't react, so he must have been used to it.

they made their way upstairs and into Michael's small room and Michael started getting things out of his closet and he handed Luke an old back pack and every time he pulled something off the hanger, he would hand it to Luke, and he'd fold it. 

he had grabbed about three pairs of black skinny jeans, and flannels and band tshirts. he grabbed two pairs of sweatpants a few pairs of socks, and a few pairs of boxers and put them in the bag instead of handing them to Luke, which caused him to laugh. 

Michael grabbed the bag and went into the bathroom and felt badly, but grabbed his blades and put them at the bottom of the bag. he walked out of the bathroom and Luke looked up at him,  
"you ready?"

"yeah." he looked around, checking to see if he forgot anything. "are you sure that your mom will be okay with it?"

"yeah- I called her at lunch, she's totally cool with it. she can be embarrassing, just ignore it."

"I doubt that she'll be embarrassing, Luke."

the blonde smiled wide,  
"whatever you say."

they laughed and walked out of Michael's house and got into Luke's truck. it took them about ten minutes, and then they were in a nice neighborhood, a coldesac that looked very welcoming. 

they parked at the most warm looking house in the neighborhood, and Michael and Luke got out of the truck, and made their way to the door, where Luke unlocked it, and walked inside in front of Luke and Michael felt really shaky and he took a deep breath and looked down at his hands, that were shakier than he felt and he was just trying to calm down.

he followed Luke, who yelled,

"MOM IM HOME."

and soon she answered,

"IN THE KITCHEN, HONEY COME HERE." Luke walked forward and motioned for Michael to follow him, so he did and they made their way into the nice kitchen, where a nice lady, that looked a lot like Luke, was getting cookies out of the oven and she looked up and smiled at them. 

"sorry one second."

she set the cookies on the counter and walked forward and hugged Luke and then looked at Michael and smiled.  
"you must be Michael, I'm Liz, I'm Luke's mom. it's nice to meet you."   
she gave Michael a hug and Michael smiled because this family just seemed so real.

"thank you so much for letting me stay here for a few days, I'm really sorry."   
she pulled away and had her hands on Michael's shoulders.

"you have nothing to apologize for sweetie, we're happy to help. anytime you need anything, just let us know okay?"

"okay, thank you."

"your welcome honey. Luke get the milk out of the fridge and pour you two some, you guys can have cookies." she smiled and left the room and as Luke was getting the milk out of the fridge, Michael spoke up,

"she is so nice."

Luke laughed and handed Michael the cup of milk,

"yeah I know." he got a plate and put two cookies for each of them on there and they made their way upstairs.   
they walked down a hallway and entered through a door on the left, and it was Luke's room.

Michael couldn't help but smile at the band posters all over the walls and just at how the room seemed to just represent Luke. 

Luke sat on the bed and had Michael sit down too, and they ate in silence. when they were done, Luke took their plate and cups downstairs and when he appeared a few minutes later, Michael spoke,  
"can I change into some sweatpants?"

"yeah totally, the bathroom is right across the hall."

"thank you." he stood up and grabbed his bag of clothes. he walked across the hall, standing where the mirror wasn't taunting him. he peeled off his jeans and slipped on the sweatpants, walking back into the room and putting his jeans with his other stuff. Luke was sitting on his bed with a textbook open, and he looked up at Michael.  
"do you have homework?"

"yeah."

"okay, well do that, and then when were done well have dinner and watch movie, okay?"

"okay cool." Michael grabbed his backpack and sat in front of Luke, and pulled out his planner with all of his assignments written down.

Luke's pov:

I looked up to find Michael focused on his work. 

his eyebrows were furrowed together and he was tapping his pencil on his textbook and it was perhaps the cutest thing I have ever seen. 

he started to write something down and then his shoulders relaxed and he smiled, he obviously had just figured it out and he actually looked proud of himself, and I found it adorable. 

moments later he went back to concentrating.

my eyes drifted down to his lips and how they were red and just beautiful and I couldn't bring myself to look away from him.

I wasn't sure if he still liked me, or if he had only kissed me back in a spur of the moment thing, but I knew that I still liked him.

my breath hitched when he spoke,  
"I don't think you're being very productive." 

he smiled and I almost snapped my neck turning away from him, and the room began to feel so much hotter in that moment.   
"um- yeah- you're um- right."

I looked back down at my homework and wrote down some stuff that probably didn't make very much sense, and set my work back into my backpack, and put my textbook on my nightstand. I was so nervous and I didn't even know why. 

I heard the sound of a textbook closing and like someone zipped up a backpack and movement, then I heard,

"Luke." I swallowed passed the lump in my throat and looked up and met Michael's eyes and discovered that nothing was in front of him anymore and I couldn't bring myself to say anything, because my mind was going all over the place, but my thoughts were interrupted by Michael's lips.

he had his hands on my shoulders and I moved both of my hands up to his face and kissed him back, my mind registering what was going on. 

his hands ran down to my stomach and stayed there, and he was so delicate and soft, but he held so much passion when he kissed me. I was sure that I had never felt like this for anyone else.

when we pulled away for air, he still rested his forehead on mine, and our eyes met and we just smiled at each other. soon he asked me a question,  
"how do you do that?"

"how do I do what?" my eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"make me feel like that." he blushed, but still kept my eye contact.

"like what?"

"better."


	9. chapter nine

after they had been cuddling for a while, Luke spoke up.  
"Michael,"

Michael looked up and kind of laughed at how serious he was,  
"yeah?" Luke got out from under him, because Michael had been resting his head on Luke's chest. he didn't speak for a while, and Michael panicked.  
"Luke are you okay? do you want me to leave? I can leave. am I annoying you? oh fuck- I'm so sorry I didn't mean to do that, I can leave. I-"

"Michael it's okay," his voice was harsh, but he bit his lip nervously.

Michael's eyebrows furrowed,  
"what?"

Luke sighed,  
"you aren't annoying me. you never have annoyed me."  
he picked at his fingers, looking around before continuing. I don't want you to leave. actually, you leaving is the last thing I want."

"oh. I don't understand."

Luke met his eyes,  
"so I think we've like- I think that we've been having a good time together, I just- do you agree?"

Michael chuckled, blushing. a 'good time together' could never begin to explain it.  
"of course I agree. I don't understand what you're getting at."

Luke bit his lip again,  
"I just love hanging out with you and stuff."

Michael chuckled,  
"so do I- just know that you're acting really weird and it's freaking me out." he laughed again and Luke just lightly smiled. 

"I'm sorry- It's just, I'm nervous."

"Luke, why the fuck are you nervous?" he smiled and touched Luke's hand.

Luke turned his hand, their fingers now intertwining.  
"I don't know. I just- maybe you could like- we could be- just maybe we could-"

Michael chuckled, but his heart was racing, and he didn't know how to feel.  
"Luke, what?"

"I just- I was wondering if you like- if you wanted to be my boyfriend?"

Michael's chest tightened with stress, but also out of happiness. he didn't understand- he didn't know what to say. Luke was so beautiful and so perfect, he deserved so much more than the broken soul of Michael's.  
"of course I want to." Luke's face lit up.

"really?" he smiled and gripped Michael's hand more tightly.

Michael nodded,  
"I just don't understand."

Luke sighed,  
"what do you not understand?"

Michael stuttered for a moment before taking a deep breath, speaking the truth,  
"I don't get why you want to date me."

he didn't understand why he's so excited, or even why he asked him.

Michael knew that he liked him, and of course Michael really liked him back, but he just knew that he's going to make his way out of his life. 

everybody always does.


	10. chapter ten

they spent the night kissing and cuddling, until Michael fell asleep in Luke's arms. 

when they woke up, Luke decided not to mention that Michael was tossing and turning and mumbling about someone named ashton leaving him.

•••

after school, Luke drove them home and after they did their homework, Luke decided that he wanted to talk to Michael, and so they took an evening walk.

"Michael can I talk to you about something?"

Michael's pov:

my breath hitched. 

what did I do?

what is he going to ask about?

is it gonna be about my scars?

my family?

my past?

oh my gosh my past.

I can't let him know any of it yet.

I can't do that. 

I don't even understand all of it.

how is he going to? 

"Michael."

"yeah?" 

"can we talk?."

I could feel my palms getting sweaty and my hands shaking.

"about what?" I tried to sound casual but it just came out as weak.

why do I always sound so fucking weak? 

maybe it's because I am weak. 

I didn't used to be weak.

I was pulled from my thoughts from Luke's next words.

the way that his next two words made me feel, is exactly why I knew that I was weak.

"who's ashton?"


	11. chapter eleven

Michael's pov:

my heart started beating incredibly fast.

I didn't know what to do. 

I was panicking.

I started walking away from him. 

I started running, I ignored his pleas and calls of my name.

I only stopped when I felt him grab my hand.

we both caught our breath before he spoke.

"why are you running away from me? I'm not trying to upset you." he took a deep breath and I could see the sincerity in his eyes. "I just want to know why you are so sad. I want to fucking try to help you. you mean so much to me. I need you to know that."

his words pierced my heart and I could tell that what he said is what he meant. 

I'm just scared.

"Luke, babe." I took a few deep breaths and gathered my thoughts together, before speaking. "I'm fucking terrified. I know that you're gonna give up and you're gonna leave and I'm going to be even more broken then I was in the first place. you are beautiful and the nicest fucking person that I have ever met and I wanna tell you everything. I want to tell you so bad but-" I started to tear up and I looked at him, pleadingly. "you have found a way to break through my barriers and somehow make me feel better, and I know that I should be happy about it- but I can't be." I shook my head, annoyed by the heavy tears falling out of my eyes, "I can't be happy because I'm so fucking broken Luke." I shook my head and laughed at my own stupidity as tears continued rolling down my face. "and Luke, when you've been broken for so long, you get used to it. when you're used to something you don't want it to change, and so whenever I start to feel happy again I just start making myself sad again. I'm a fucking wreck, and I don't want you waist your own fucking time trying to fix me, when I'm just going to accidentally break myself again." I kept shaking my head and I focused my eyes on the floor. "I know I'm a mess. I know I'm stupid, but I can't seem to be normal again. I want to tell you everything Luke but it's just so fucking hard to bring myself to do that." 

I somehow felt a light weight lifted off of my shoulders, but the guilt behind not being able to tell luke, just piled the stress back on, and I once again feel like complete shit. 

I felt him wrap me into a hug. 

I pushed my face into his neck and just soaked up his warmth and sincerity and continued crying because I just didn't deserve someone as amazing as him. 

"you don't have to tell me anything until you're ready."

I lightly smiled out of disbelief because he was just perfect.

"thank you." 

I pulled away from him and looked up to his bright eyes and he looked down at me, his whole expression just revealing so much kindness.

he was just so fucking sincere.

how did I deserve this?

I don't deserve him, but why doesn't he understand that?

why hasn't he left me?

"I don't want to hurt you, and I'm not leaving you."

I nodded because it was all just so hard to believe. 

we started walking back to his house, holding hands and when we got in front of this brick wall that is like a fence, he let go of my hand and lightly pushed my back up against the wall, and the wall was cold and uncomfortable but I looked up to see him slowly coming closer to me and kissing me. 

when our lips met it was like I could finally breathe. 

he calms me down but he also makes me feel crazy and excited and alive and it makes me want to never pull away. 

he started to pull away but I grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him closer and bit his lip to pull him back.

he lightly smiled and I couldn't help but smile back, before our lips met again and I couldn't help but deepen the kiss and luke groaned and I was just so overwhelmed by how he makes me feel.

he gripped onto my waist and closed the gap completely between our hips and we pulled away for a second, his forehead resting on mine.

we smiled at each other, the whole world seeming to warm up with all of his body heat and I couldn't help but kiss him again.

when we pulled away, I grabbed his hand again and we walked back to his house, and we went upstairs to go to bed and experience another day of boring school.


	12. chapter twelve

as they laid in bed cuddling, Michael noticed that Luke was fiddling with his fingers. Michael looked at him and frowned.  
"Luke." he was met with blue eyes immediately after he said his name, "is something wrong?"

Luke completely ignored his question.  
"you know that you can tell me anything right?"

Michael sighed and kept the eye contact.  
"of course I know that. Luke, I just want you to understand that I mean, I've been through a lot in my life and I- I guess that since it's so hard for me to get over it- it makes it hard to tell people about it. I- I wanna tell you everything about me- I do trust you- it's just- I guess I need time. I don't wanna regret telling you when you leave me."

Luke looked up, confused.  
"when I leave you?"

Michael looked down,  
"I didn't mean to say it- I just- I don't know. I don't want to regret saying everything when you leave- I can't explain it Luke. please don't be mad."

Luke looked around hopelessly, getting tears in his eyes.

he sat up, moving directly in front of Michael, letting go of Michael's hand briefly as he situated. 

Michael had his eyes fixated on the bed, unsure if he should meet Luke's eyes or not. 

Luke frowned, disappointed that Michael felt upset.  
"Michael. I just want you to know that you mean a lot to me. it's not like I just have a crush on you, it's more than that. I- ever since I saw you I have just been so fucking fascinated with you- I always wanted to get up the courage to talk to you, but I guess- I just never had the chance. so when that guy tripped you that day and I helped you up, I realized how self conscious you were. you didn't even wanna make eye contact with me- you almost didn't take my hand when I helped you up. it breaks my heart to know that you're sad. someone as great and someone as cuddly and beautiful as you shouldn't be sad. you shouldn't have to go through dumb shit. you're worth more than that. I wish I could- I wish that I could just make you understand how much I care about you. I wish that you would trust me completely and I- I just wish that I could help you, Michael." several tears slipped out of Luke's eyes, and finally when blue met green, Luke saw countless tears dripping down Michael's face. 

Luke was amazed at just how beautiful Michael was, even when he was crying.  
he didn't even try to be beautiful, and he was just breathtaking to Luke.

Luke hadn't thought about it much, the idea came to him fast.  
"Michael can I see them?"

Michael's small features turned into confusion,  
"see what?" his voice was soft and anxious.

Luke swallowed past a lump in his throat.  
"your scars." 

Michael seemed to tense up, his shoulders curling forward.  
"all of them?"

Luke took a deep breath,  
"just what you'll let me see." 

Michael nodded, wiping tears from his eyes, his face blushing, Luke could tell that he was nervous, but he wanted to just see. he wanted to look now because the other two times that he's seen, he was shocked. the first time he was just utterly confused because he never understood it. 

he knew that Michael was quiet but he never really thought of him as sad.  
Michael must have realized this, because he wasn't asking him. 

the second time, he wasn't even trying to see at all. when he saw, it just made him think of the first time and he never really got to focus on them.

he wanted to examine them, he thought maybe if he did that then he would be able to understand. he knew that the idea was probably ridiculous, but he just needed to know how to help.

he just needed to understand.

Luke swallowed past a lump in his throat, his eyes scanning over every inch of Michael's tense body. 

he just needed to see. 

soon, Michael took a deep breath, before turning over his wrists and slowly pulling up the sleeves of his worn black sweater.

when Luke saw, his heart tightened in his chest. it was like his heart was just crying out. his heart was resembling what Luke wanted to do. he couldn't cry, not yet. he knew that Michael was ashamed and disgusted with himself, and Luke couldn't bear to see it worsened.

he didn't understand how he had become so drawn to Michael, but all that he knew was that he had to help. he knew that he had to at least try to save Michael, because he knew that if he waited that much longer, it would be too late.

Luke took the outside of Michael's wrist, holding it lightly in his hand.

on Michael's wrist he could see some extremely light ones that were obviously fading, they were in a column of neat horizontal lines. those, Luke could tell were done when Michael was in control, because they weren't all over the place.

the more noticeable ones, those were the ones that made Luke's heart tighten in his chest. 

they were worse because they were just all over the place. there were some that overlapped and there were some that were even vertical. it's like they were done in a moment of just self hate. they were messy and sloppy and they were deeper.

this scared Luke. 

it scared him because he knew that they were going to get worse and worse. 

if they had started neatly and escalated to whatever they escalated to, that frightening mess of recent scars, then who knows what they could transform into next.

Luke felt several more tears slipping out of his eyes, and all that he could utter was a simple and broken,

"babe." and Michael sniffled, obviously still crying, and Luke ever so slowly, brought Michael's scarred wrist up, as he slowly leaned down and pressed his lips to the skin. 

he wished that he could just heal Michael, but he couldn't. 

"can you take this off for me, babe?" Luke gestured to Michael's hoodie, and Michael eyed him questionably.

"why?"

"please. just trust me."

Michael nodded, obviously nervous. 

"can you take off yours too, so it's not weird." Michael said weakly, still managing to chuckle. 

Luke nodded and climbed off the bed, locking his bedroom door in the process. 

Michael took a deep breath, self conscious of his body, he always felt fat.

he pulled off his hoodie, tossing it to the side.

he wrapped his arms around his stomach, holding tightly to his sides.

he looked up at Luke, slipping off his hoodie, revealing his toned body.

"better?" Luke smiled nervously and looked at Michael.

"barely." Michael laughed and Luke slowly walked back up. "why did you have me take off part of my clothes, it's honestly getting weird, especially since you won't explain yourself.

Luke lightly laughed, his own cheeks heating up at the words.

"I just wanted to see you, and I just- I want to show you."

"show me what?"

"how much I care."

Luke walked all the way up, climbing on the bed.

he crawled in between Michael's legs, going up and kissing him on the forehead.

he moved and kissed Michael lightly on one cheek, then switching to the other, admiring how warm they were against his lips.

he even pecked Michael on the nose, making Michael let out what was basically a giggle, and Luke smiled, before moving down and kissing Michael on the lips.

Luke felt his rougher lips connect with Michael's soft and delicate ones, his tongue slipping in and enjoying how sweet Michael tasted.

soon the kiss became more eager, Michael letting out a moan and Luke grinded his hips down against Michael's and they both let out sounds of pleasure from the rough contact. 

Luke eventually pulled back from the kiss, out of breath, and he looked directly into Michael's eyes, noticing the deeper and eager look in them.

he pecked Michael on the lips one more time, before he moved down to Michael's neck, kissing lightly in several places, noticing how it made his stomach feel all light and fluttery.

soon he moved some more and kissed on the spot between Michael's collar bone and his neck, before he sucked on the patch of skin.

"fuck- luke." Michael finally let words slip from his mouth, and Luke really wanted to hear it again, and Luke instinctively thrusted down, causing them both to moan.

"Luke-oh fuck." Michael whined under him and Luke grinded down repeatedly as he spoke.

"Michael you- fuck. ah. you're so amazing. you are beautiful- you're fucking breathtaking and I never want to spend a day where I don't- fuck- Michael, ah- where I don't get to see you and talk to you and kiss you babe, because," he stopped all movement and focused on the way that Michael looked with the reddening on his cheeks, finding it's way all the way down his chest. soon he realized that he had spaced out while staring at Michael, and he focused, getting up the courage to say what was on his mind. "because I think I love you."

"Luke no-"

"Michael. I know that it sounds completely ridiculous but if you were me and got to spend your time kissing and cuddling and talking to and looking at you, I'm sure that you would fall in love with you too."

"Luke please don't lie to me." A Michael broke their eye contact, looking off into the distance somewhere, before Luke put his hand on Michael's face, rubbing soothing circles with his thumb.

"Michael, babe. you don't have to say it back, I just want you to hear it. I actually need you to hear it. I love you Michael and I'm so glad that you are trusting me. I know that it's not easy for you. I know that it's fucking excruciating for you to put yourself out there like that, but I just am so glad that you did. I love you, and I hope that you let me stay with you, because I'd get pretty bored if I couldn't be around you."

"you're so fucking sappy." Michael smiled up at Luke, his smile starting to look a little bit more genuine.

"thank you." Luke smiled down at him, bringing his lips to Michael's once again.


	13. chapter thirteen

after Michael and Luke got out from school the next day, Michael turned to Luke as they were seated in the car.  
"so do you think that we should check to see if my mom is home?"

Luke nodded and shrugged, his features soft.  
"if you want to."

Michael bit his lip, he couldn't help but be worried about her. he could never trust that she'd be safe, she really didn't know how to take care of herself anymore.  
"we probably should."

"but I mean, if you need to stay longer- I don't have any problem with it. I like our make out sessions." Luke smiled at a blushing Michael, and then started driving.

the tired fought with the gravel at a light with construction, and the crunching sounds mixed with Luke drumming on the steering wheel. Luke hummed, all while hearing a soft,  
"me too." slip out of Michael's mouth.

Luke grinned and moved one hand to grab Michael's, not thinking it through very much, just wanting some sort of contact.

when they pulled up to Michael's house, Michael frowned.

he knew that his mom would be home by now, and it would be an understatement to say that he didn't want to go home. yet, he was worried about her and he'd like to believe that she was at least slightly concerned for him. 

Luke obviously noticed his negative mood, and turned to him,

"baby. what's wrong? do you still want to check?"

Michael shook his head,   
"it's fine. thank you for driving me home and letting me stay with you, it was fun."

Michael could practically hear Luke smile, he didn't even have to look at him.  
"anytime, I loved having you over. it made things a lot less boring." Michael weakly smiled, not believing him, and Luke continued. "well, if she's home then I'll put your stuff from my house in my car tomorrow and you can take it inside tomorrow after school when I drive you home."

"okay, thank you. please tell your mom I said thank you again." 

Luke nodded and leaned over and kissed Michael lightly on the cheek, and Michael moved so that their lips connected. Luke felt the spark he always feels when he kissed Michael, and he felt Michael melt into the kiss.

they stayed like this for a few moments, their lips moving in sync, before Michael pulled away.  
"I'll see yyou tomorrow, Michael. text me okay? I really do love you." Luke said these worse quietly but they were sincere; Luke never knew if he was going to see Michael the next day or not and that scared Luke. it fucking terrified him. 

Michael nodded, his eyes still locked to the floor, before mumbling a quiet, "I'll text you."

he slipped out of the car, walking unsteadily up to the front door of his house. he pulled the loose black key from his pocket, and slipping it in the door. he took a deep breath before opening it up all the way, slipping the key back into his pocket.

as he started to make his way up the stairs he heard obnoxious screaming from his very drunk mother. 

"WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU HOME SO LATE?" she walked up, approaching Michael directly, standing at the bottom of the stairs, looking up at him.

Michael stuttered on for a moment, his hands shaking.  
"I had to uh- pee at school, I got out late. sorry." 

"WELL YOU BETTER HURRY UP NEXT TIME, DUMBASS."

"when did you get home?" his eyes were locked on the floor, trying to control his body shaking.

"this morning." she rolled her eyes at him, obviously not even knowing how badly she was slurring her words. "did you get anyone else arrested like you did your father? did you try to take anyone else away from me? THE ONLY PERSON THAT I WOULDNT CARE IF I LOST, IS YOU!"

Michael shuddered and sat on the steps, curling in on himself. "sorry."

"you're not fucking sorry. GO UPSTAIRS!" she spit in his direction before walking back into the kitchen.

Michael nodded, but his head was pounding and he had to sit there for a few moments. his mind was racing now and he gripped his hair harshly as tears were pouring from his eyes, they never seemed to stop. he couldn't control his trembling.

it was the kind of trembling that you have when you are outside in the snow for too long and you've been wearing shorts. it's the kind of trembling where you almost feel like you can't breathe.

he didn't understand this, it was all so sudden. he was genuinely worried about his mother- even when she left him. so when he came inside, he really didn't expect to be put down like this.

•••

after he found a way to breathe so that he could stand up, he slowly walked upstairs and into his room. 

when he got in there, he crawled under his black comforter, laying for hours, crying until he ran out of tears, eventually falling asleep, blaming himself for everything.


	14. chapter fourteen

as Luke laid in bed, he couldn't stop worrying.

all that he had heard from Michael was a simple text, saying

my moms home.

Luke could tell there was something unsettling about that.

he knew something was wrong, but he didn't want to intrude on Michael's life, so he sent back a quick.

k. let me know if you need anything. love you xx

and proceeded to sit at the end of his bed, his foot tapping on the floor as his knee bounced nervously.

•••

when the moon went down and the whole world fell quiet, that's when he started thinking. 

Luke thought about his mom, his brothers, his family that lived so far away, the house he lived in from when he was born to when he was twelve.

he thought about moving to this nice neighborhood, realizing how much better life was now.

it made him think about why it was better now. 

it was better because of Michael.

Michael made Luke's stuttering go away.

he somehow took away Luke's anxieties and gave him confidence. it was interesting.

there was something unfortunate about that though. 

it made Luke sad because he wish that he could do that for Michael. 

he wished he could heal both Michael's external scars, and also his internal scars, because those are the ones that hurt.

when people create scars on the outside for themselves, is honestly just to distract themselves on the scars within.

as Luke lays awake in bed, he's realizing how hard it is to sleep when your mind is occupied on someone else.

he sent a quick text to Michael, saying

are you okay?

he didn't get an answer.

so this is what had caused Luke to pace his bedroom floor, deciding if he should check on him or not.

he knew that if he pushed it, he could lose him.

so that decision caused endless tears to stream out of his eyes.

he was worried out of his mind.

so when he woke up after falling asleep crying, he looked at the clock,

3:57 am

he hopped out of bed and threw on a pair of sweatpants and a long sleeve shirt, and drove to Michael's house, sending a text to his mom, saying.

I'm worried about Michael, I need to check on him.

and then made his way to the house. 

he send out a text to Michael.

babe are you awake?

when he got no answer, but saw that the text was read, he knew that Michael was awake, and he also knew that he wasn't doing well, because he always answered Luke.

so he sent off another text,

I know you're awake. I'm at your house. I'm coming up there. I'm not trying to annoy you, but I love you and I'm worried. see you soon. xx

he got out of his car and walked up to the house, noticing the tree directly in front of Michael's window.

he felt like a complete stalker climbing up the tree but he didn't want to try to get in the front door, because he could alarm Michael's mom and get Michael in trouble, and Luke definitely didn't wanna do that.

so he found himself climbing up the huge tree, and sitting on the huge branch that stretched outside.

he couldn't see Michael in the room, but the bathroom door across the way was open, and he could see feet outstretched on the floor, and so he reached out and attempted pulling up the window.

when he found that it was unlocked, he quickly opened it, and stepped into Michael's room, trying to be as quiet as he could, running across the hall. 

when he walked inside, the sight caused his heart to drop down into his stomach.

Michael was there with heavily bloodstained wrists, still soaking down onto his sweater, his eyes closed on the cold bathroom floor.


	15. chapter fifteen

Luke immediately started sobbing, worse then he ever has, the tears making his eyesight blurry. 

he started shaking and his sobs were uncontrollable. 

he choked out screams, walking up to Michael, slapping him on the face,  
"MICHAEL PLEASE!" he cried out, panicked, he ran out of the bathroom, grabbing a cup off of Michael's nightstand, it thankfully being empty, running over and filling it up with cold water, dumping it directly on Michael's face. 

"MICHAEL! PLEASE WAKE UP!"  
when he got no response he kneeled down, his nose by Michael's ear.

he was still breathing, and so Luke ran downstairs and into the kitchen, rummaging through the cabinets, finding garlic salt and a different spice, knowing that strong smells can help wake someone up if they're unconscious.

he was still crying, but the adrenaline let him push through, him running upstairs in record time, kneeling in front of Michael once again, opening the garlic salt, putting it directly up to Michael's nose, and he shook it up, and he was able to smell it from where he was.

"MICHAEL! BABY PLEASE WAKE UP!"

he got no response, and he grabbed the other one, opening it and putting it up to Michael's nose, along with the other one.

His voice got weaker as he sobbed. he was just seeming to repeat Michael's name over and over again desperately. 

"Michael. I love you- I love you so much. please. I can't- I can't lose you Mikey. I love you. I just love you so much."

soon, Michael's head turned, and his nose shrunk up and Luke continued to cry out of stress and relief.

Luke threw the bottles aside, pulling Michael close, and crying over Michael.

"BABY. OH I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! YOU SCARED ME!" he was practically screaming through his cries, and he pulled Michael on top of his lap, so that Michael was straddling Luke's lap, and Michael weakly wrapped his arms around Luke's waist. 

"I- I'm sorry Luke. P-Please don't hate me. I'm so sorry. please don't be mad."

Michael sounded weak, obviously crying, and Luke just rubbed soothing circles onto Michael's back, still shedding endless tears. 

Luke pulled back from Michael, so that Michael was still sitting, looking directly into Luke's eyes, his own eyes full of remorse and sorrow.

"Michael, baby. there is not one day of my life where I will ever hate you. I promise you that. I love you so much baby. I don't- I don't know what I would do-" he choked on his own words, his tears not allowing him to be calm, "I don't know what I would do without you. Michael, I can't lose you. you are so beautiful I- I just don't know how you can feel this way about yourself. you are and will always be perfect to me. I love you so much and I will never stop loving you. I need you to understand that. I will never ever stop loving you. I know that I haven't actually known you for that long, but I do know that I love you. you are the most interesting and amazing person that I have ever known. I know that you have gone and are going through some terribly difficult things, and I never want you to apologize for how it affected you, and for what it made you do, because I know that it's not truly your fault. I love you so much, and even though you might not believe me, that's okay, but I do need you to just listen. I need you to just hear me say it, because I honestly don't think you hear those words that much, and I- I just need you to know that no matter how many times I say it to you, it will never measure up to the amount of true love I have for you. I hope that you believe me, because I promise that I'm telling you the truth. I love you- I just love you so much Michael."

Michael leaned in and kissed Luke, who let out a soft whimper.

"I'm so sorry for scaring you like that."

"I'm just glad you're okay, babe." 

Michael nodded but there seemed to be some sort of uncertainty in his eyes.


	16. chapter sixteen

Michael's pov:

Luke stayed with me the rest of the night and all of the day, and I'm still wrapped up into his arms.

I've fallen asleep a few times, but now as the light of the day disappears once again, I'm left with my guilty thoughts.

I feel fucking horrible for making Luke go through that.

I know that Luke cares about me right now, and the fact that he had to experience that was just horrible.

I didn't mean to cut that deep, I just needed the pain to go away for a little while. 

I've passed out before, but this one was the only time that someone has found me, and if Luke hadn't found me, I probably just would have woken up and cut again, so I guess that's good.

it's also supposed to be good that I just passed out and it's supposed to be good that I didn't cut so deeply that I died, but it doesn't feel good. 

there's always this small part of me that wants to be dead.

it doesn't matter what I'm doing or how badly I'm feeling, part of me still just wants to die and I don't think that I will ever get used to that.

but I mean, maybe the reason I won't get used to it, is that I'm not supposed to.

maybe I'm supposed to always feel more dead than alive so that I'll just end it.

sometimes it feels like I'm spending my life just practicing to be dead.

•••

I was awoken the next morning by Luke's soft voice above my ear, noticing how I'm still wrapped up in his warm arms.

"Michael, baby do you wanna get up and get breakfast? if not it's okay, but I thought we could go for pancakes." 

he leaned down, kissing me on the cheek softly, before moving on top of me, kissing my neck lightly, moving his lips, kissing in multiple spots on my neck.

when he pulled up, I could still feel the warm parts on my neck from his lips, and soon those lips were on mine, not rough or hungry, just gentle and full of care, it made me smile and Luke moved down to kiss at my neck, lovingly biting it, making me laugh.

he moved up to kiss both of my cheeks, my forehead and one peck on the nose, before leaning down fully and kissing my lips once again.

slowly, I sat up and smiled at him, before getting off of the warm and cozy bed and slipping on socks.

I looked down at my appearance, frowning.

"would I totally embarrass you if I went out like this?" 

Luke lightly laughed at me and rolled his eyes.

"you could never embarrass me with your looks. okay maybe if you wore a dress it'd be kind of weird but it's okay."

Michael let out a laugh,  
"I would look great in a dress actually."

Luke laughed again,  
"oh my mistake. sorry Michael, you would look great in a dress."

they both laughed before Michael practically dragged Luke downstairs, and they slipped on their shoes, going outside to Luke's truck and driving to a little family owned restaurant that Luke had been to once, and that Michael had never even heard of. 

they ate in silence, but it was a comfortable silence.


	17. chapter seventeen

a few weeks later...

after school, since it was a Friday night, they decided to go to Luke's house and on the way there, Michael reached over and intertwined their hands.

when they pulled up to Luke's house, they walked inside and upstairs to Luke's room, where Luke walked up and kissed Michael, causing him to fall back on the big bed, Luke hovered over him kissing him hungrily, causing Michael to let out a slight whimper.

Michael parted his lips, letting Luke's tongue explore the sweet taste of Michael's mouth, loving how Michael lightly smiled into the kiss.

Luke trailed his hand down and gripped onto Michael's hip, lightly grinding his hips down, them both letting out a light moan, before kissing Michael once again, loving how Michael moaned into Luke's mouth every time Luke his hips rolled down.

soon, Michael found himself moving his hands to gripping Luke's waistband, pulling him closer, the friction of their dicks making each of them let out a moan, soon Michael was about to unbutton Luke's jeans, before he took a few deep breaths and pulled away. 

Luke looked at him with worry, but before he could say anything, Michael spoke up.

"we should probably stop because like- if we don't now I won't like be able to."  
he looked down, not meeting Luke's eyes.

"okay. are you alright?"

Michael nodded hesitantly,  
"yeah I guess- I don't know I just feel like I'm not quite ready yet and like- I don't wanna like mess anything up."

"Michael, you could never mess up anything like that. I love you so much and I will never, ever stop loving you, because you are the sweetest person that I have ever met, and I would go insane if I ever lost you."

"you're so sappy, shut up."

they both laughed and Luke kissed Michael on the cheek before pulling him close, snuggling on Luke's bed for a while.

•••

later on, they decided they were hungry, and they got out of bed and walked downstairs.

Luke's mom was sitting down in the living room watching tv.

"hey mom."

"oh hey boys, nice to see you again Michael."

"nice to see you too."

Liz smiled and Luke spoke up next,

"were kind of hungry, do you have any plans for dinner?" Luke smiled and Liz thought about it.

"actually, I'm really tired from work but I'll order a few pizzas later, is that okay?"

they both smiled and nodded, simultaneously saying,  
"thank you."

the boys walked back upstairs and as they sat down they started playing FIFA, Luke getting a text from Calum, pausing the game. 

hey mate, am I still coming over tonight?

"fuck, Michael I forgot Calum was gonna come hang out tonight."

Michael nodded,  
"It's okay I can leave. I'll walk home." he smiled and got up, Luke looking confused,

"what? no you're not leaving, I just need to know if I should tell him never mind." 

Michael was confused, and smiled,  
"Luke, have him come, I'll leave it's totally fine."

"no Michael don't leave- it's just are you okay with him being here with us?"

Michael nodded,  
"yeah of course, but I can-"

Luke sent out a text,

Michael's here, but sure.

he got one back within seconds

okay cool, I wanted to meet the guy anyway, he seems cool. I'll be over in like twenty minutes.

Luke smiled down at his phone before looking back to Michael,

"he'll be over soon, he said he wanted to meet you."

Michael looked down,   
"is he gonna like- not like me?"

Luke laughed,  
"he'll like you. Calum's actually a really cool guy, he can be intimidating but when you actually talk to him you realize how much of a dork he is."

Michael nodded,  
"does he know we're dating?"

"uh not yet, I was gonna tell him tonight."

"okay, I understand if you don't want to because like- it doesn't matter."

"Michael, I was planning on telling him, he's my best friend so don't worry babe. he's a great guy."

"I know you wouldn't be friends with someone shitty, I just I don't know I guess I'm just nervous. can you tell him like- when I leave the room, just so that he can say what he wants about me without like me hearing?"

"Michael, first of all, he would never say anything bad about you, because he wouldn't have a reason because you're amazing, and also you have no reason to be nervous."

Michael looked down, unsure,  
"can you tell him when I'm put of the room please?"

Luke nodded,  
"sure." 

Luke got a text from Calum,

almost there :)

Luke got up from the bed and motioned for Michael to follow him,

"let's meet him downstairs." 

he gave Michael a reassuring smile, walking out and downstairs, Michael following him. 

as they waited, Luke leaned down and kissed Michael sweetly, pulling away and walking over to his mom who was in the kitchen doing dishes, telling her that Calum was coming over, and then walking back and kissing Michael one more time, then pulling away looking out to see Calum riding his black skateboard, smiling and leaving his skateboard outside, Luke opening the door and hugging him.

when they pulled away, Calum looked at Michael and smiled.

"this is Michael."

Calum smiled and walked forward and hugged Michael, Michael was nervous but the fact that Calum was being so nice helped him feel better, and he hoped that after they talked he wouldn't decide that Michael was as horrible as he felt he was. 

soon the boys walked upstairs into Luke's room, sitting down and playing FIFA for a while until they got bored and shut off the tv.

"so, Michael what do you like to do?" Calum asked curiously.

"well um- I draw and I play a little guitar."

Calum nodded,  
"oh cool! I play bass."

"Michael, I didn't know that you played." Luke was confused.

"oh sorry I guess it just slipped my mind."

Michael put his hands up and stretched out his back, Calum staring at Michael's arms, noticing his scars without Michael seeing, and tried to calm down with the unsettling feeling in his stomach, he didn't understand. 

Luke picked up his phone and looked at it for a minute.

"my mom texted me and said that the pizzas here." 

Michael looked up and spoke,  
"well I'll go down and get us some pizza and water or something."

Luke nodded and smiled,  
"thanks Michael."

Michael got up and went downstairs, taking his time, knowing that Luke would tell Calum that they were dating. 

•••

meanwhile, Calum and Luke sat in the room, Calum surprisingly speaking first,

"so like- have you seen like- the scars on his arms?" he seemed unsure.

"oh- well yeah, he hasn't had the best life and he just- he doesn't really know how to handle it. he's such a good guy."

"he does seem really cool, it's just sad I guess." 

"yeah, oh by the way, so you know how I'm bi?"

Calum nodded,  
"yeah, why? do you like him?"

"well uh- we're dating."

Calum laughed,  
"that's amazing! I'm so happy for you. have you done it yet?" he smiled at Luke.

Luke slapped him on the shoulder,  
"no! not yet. I love him so much though."

"I can tell, you look at him like you want to buy him a planet or something, I don't know."

Luke laughed,  
"he's just so amazing, he hasn't said it back yet, but he's just scared and I understand that."

Calum nodded,  
"do you think he doesn't love you back?"

"I don't know. I think he's just scared of getting attached I guess, that's why he hasn't told me very much of his past and I don't mind. it's hard of course- but like I just love him so much and I'm gonna wait for him. I know that deep down he wants to love me back."

Calum nodded,  
"you're such a good guy, if I were gay I would be all over you."

Luke jokingly winked seductively and laughed.

soon, Michael came back holding a box of pizza and balancing plates, napkins and three water bottles on there, and setting them on the bed.

he opened up the box, getting a plate and putting two pieces on there and grabbing a water bottle, moving and sitting down on the floor as Calum and Luke got up from where they were sitting and did the same.

"so, Michael. Luke told me about you guys dating." he smiled and Michael nervously nodded.

"cool." 

"I'm glad, I think you're a really cool guy."

Michael looked up,  
"thank you. you're pretty cool too." 

they all smiled and proceeded to talk while they ate.

•••

a few hours later, they all decided to go to bed, Calum taking the floor since there wasn't very much room, them all going to bed.

Meeting Calum really helped Michael feel more comfortable. 

he just hoped that Calum liked him enough.


	18. chapter eighteen

after Calum went home the next morning, Michael and Luke held hands in silence.

it was comfortable, until Michael's insecurities got the best of him and he found himself overthinking. 

Michael couldn't help but worry that Calum didn't like him.

he knew that if a Calum didn't like him, then Luke would find. Luke had known Calum way longer than he had known Michael, and he knew that Luke wouldn't have a problem dropping him, because chances are, Calum didn't have Michael's problems; he probably didn't hate himself or cut himself or have a family that ruined him or a terrible past.  
he probably didn't cry himself to sleep every night, and he probably didn't want to kill himself.

the thing was, Michael did, Michael hated himself with such passion that it was to the point that he found himself disgusted.

Michael hated how he looked; he hated his ugly, foggy green eyes. 

he hated his pasty, pale skin.

he hated his smile.

he hated his body, he always felt so weak, not having any muscle.

he hated his voice, and he hated his personality.

what he hated the most, was that he hated himself.

he wanted to be happy.

that's all he wanted; he didn't want to cry himself to sleep, he didn't want to feel dead, he didn't want to be gay.

he didn't want to be a horrible person, but he was, and he would never learn how to fix it. 

"Michael, are you okay?"

Michael was pulled from his thoughts and he looked up to meet Luke's eyes.

"oh- um yeah."

"Michael." he looked down, waiting for him to answer.

"fine. fuck- I just. does Calum hate me?" he was barely audible and his eyes were locked on the floor and Luke lightly laughed, moving in front of him, grabbing both of Michael's hands.

"baby, Calum thought you were really cool. he literally liked you, he was glad we were dating."

"Luke don't-"

"I'm not lying to you! I promise. first of all, there would be no reason for him not to like you. second of all, I would've told you if he had said something; I don't keep things from you. Also, babe I really wish that you understood just how great you are." 

Michael lightly smiled, but he couldn't really make eye contact, it was just one of those days.

•••

what Michael didn't comprehend, was that, what Michael considered flaws, Luke just considered them more reasons to love him.

Luke loved Michael's warm, mysterious, sweet green eyes.

he loved Michael's pale and soft skin, that he had to stop himself from leaving dark purple marks all over, because it was so irresistible.

he loved Michael's smile.  
his smile was somehow filled with so much sadness, and it made Luke's heart hurt, but he loved it.  
his smile was beautiful.   
his smile tended to reach his eyes, his light cheeks turning a light red, making him look like he had been outside in the cold weather for a while.

Luke loved Michael's body; it was so small and fragile and he liked that he wasn't all muscle, because it just made Michael seem so real, and that's what was hard to believe; Michael was so amazing that he seemed like he couldn't be real.

he loved Michael's voice, and how he sounded like he could be a great singer.  
he loved his beautiful laugh, that could just send chills up and down your spin because it was just so breathtaking.  
he loved Michael's personality because it made you want to improve your own; it just seemed to be so full.

but there was one thing that Luke hated about Michael.

he absolutely hated that Michael hated himself.

he hated it because there was no reason to.

Luke knew just how amazing Michael was, and he knew that he needed to save Michael.

Luke was positive that he loved Michael and he needed Michael to love himself too, because he definitely deserved it.


	19. chapter nineteen

the morning was spent sharing lazy, sweet kisses and holding hands and watching countless scary movies, enjoying each other's company.

after a while, as they were laying in Luke's bed, legs intertwined under the covers, Luke got an idea,

"hey, Mikey?"

"yeah, babe!"

"do you wanna like- go on a date?"

"what do you mean?"

"well- we've gone out to breakfast and stuff but like- I wanna go on a real date." Luke was smiling down at Michael, hope in his eyes.

"are you sure you wanna do that? we honestly don't have to go out, it doesn't matter Luke."

"actually, we do have to go out and it does matter, okay?"

Michael sighed,  
"okay, I guess it'd be fun."

Luke smiled and kissed him softly.

Michael spoke again,  
"when do you wanna go?"

Luke seemed to think for a moment,  
"tonight. why not?"

Michael smiled and moved up and kissed him sweetly, soaking in the warmth radiating off of Luke's body.

•••

after lunch Michael realized something,  
"um- Luke?"

Luke walked out of his bathroom and sat by Michael on the bed,  
"what's up?"

"I don't have any clean clothes with me and if I go back home my moms gonna like- uh give me problems."

Luke nodded softly,  
"well how about you just borrow my clothes?"

Michael lightly blushed and nodded hesitantly,  
"but I need to like- shower."

Luke nodded and shrugged,  
"then shower in my bathroom, it's fine."

Michael nodded,  
"can I do that now?"

"of course."

Luke led Michael to his closet, letting him pick out whatever he wanted to wear, Michael just deciding on a flannel to wear buttoned up and to keep his own jeans on.

Luke gave him a clean pair of boxers and a pair of black socks, then leading him into the bathroom and showing him how to work the shower head, before leaving to his room. 

when Michael was left alone, he slipped out of his clothes, trying not to look at himself in the mirror, as he turned on the water and walking to fold up the jeans and flannel and setting it on the counter, accidentally looking at himself, which caused him to stare.

he hated looking at himself because he always felt so disgusting and pale and fat.

he looked at his skin, pulling at it lightly, getting distracted by the prominent scars on his hips.

he peeled his eyes from his reflection, walking and getting into the warm stream of water, closing the thick curtain. 

he put shampoo into his hand, scrubbing his hair and then washing it out.

he grabbed body wash and cleaned himself off, then getting lost in a particular scar on his wrist, starting to itch for the pain once again. 

he tried to fight the feelings off, letting tears slip from his eyes, as he dug his fingernails into the scar, drawing blood out from it harshly. 

he started to quietly sob, slipping to the floor.

he held his knees close to his chest, his arms wrapped around his knees, rocking back and forth as his sobs became uneven.

Michael stared down at the bloody mess that he made, feeling guilty immediately, more tears slipping from his eyes as he held his wrist under the stream, the blood turning from a deep red to a light red, to clear as it falls from his hand, drifting down the drain.

he heard faint knocks on the door and sniffled before talking   
"yeah?"

he heard Luke's quiet voice,  
"babe. are you alright?"

Michael sighed, feeling impossibly guiltier.  
"um- yeah sorry."

"you don't have anything to be sorry about- I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

"okay thanks, I'll be out soon."

he sighed and forced himself to get up from the shower floor, turning off the water and stepping our, grabbing a thick white towel that Luke had set out for him, drying off quickly and getting dressed.

he dried out his hair completely, before combing it out and looking down to see that his wrist was only bleeding a little, so he grabbed some tissues to stop it, and walked out to see Luke.

Luke was sitting on his bed, his elbows resting on his knees, obviously worried.

he looked up, trying to cover up the worry, but Michael saw right through it and the guilt definitely built up in his chest. 

Luke stood up and immediately enveloped Michael into a warm hug, not knowing what to say.

Michael decided to speak first, the whole atmosphere feeling awkward,  
"um- what's wrong?"

"well- you tell me? I don't know. I guess I'm just like worried about you."

"why are you worried about me?"

Luke pulled away and sat on his bed, looking to the floor, sighing.   
"I could hear you crying. I just- I want you to tell me how you feel. I just wanna help."

Michael looked to the floor, feeling self conscious.  
"sorry you could hear me."

Luke furrowed his eyebrows,  
"why are you sorry "

"I didn't want to worry you, that's all."

Luke moved forward slowly, connecting their lips.

the kiss was soft and gentle, but comforting.

Luke pulled away the slightest bit, their lips still brushing,  
"never be sorry for something like that, I love you and I want to know how you're feeling, okay?"

Michael hesitantly nodded,  
"okay, thank you."

Luke nodded and Michael brought their lips together once again, Michael parted his lips, allowing the kiss to deepen, them both letting out soft noises, Luke pulling away and taking a deep breath,  
"I should um- I should be getting ready."

Michael smiled, still blushing from their kiss.

"yeah you probably should." he sat on the bed, going on his phone as Luke disappeared into the bathroom.

•••

as Luke showered, Michael couldn't help but feel even more guilty for reopening his cuts when Luke was literally right outside, not wanting to leave him alone anyway.

Michael felt so frustrated and he was so sick of feeling like this. 

•••

Luke walked into the room, not saying anything, before grabbing his wallet and phone, putting in his shoes and walking downstairs.

Michael was really confused, and he thought deeply before he heard his text tone go off, and he looked at the text from Luke...


	20. chapter twenty

Michael was really confused, and he thought deeply before he heard his text tone go off, and he looked at the text from Luke...

hey babe, so since this is our first real date, I want it to be special. come downstairs and wait by the door, don't open it until I ring the doorbell. :)

Michael rolled his eyes, smiling. he sent a text back,

such a dork.

he put his phone in his back pocket, walking over to the bathroom mirror, pulling at his hair some more, before walking downstairs by the door, waiting. 

moments later, he heard the doorbell and he took a deep breath, annoyed that he was nervous, before opening the door, surprised at what he saw.

stood before him, was his gorgeous Luke, holding a dozen red roses, smiling like an idiot. 

Michael blushed fiercely. muttering,  
"fuck you're amazing,"

before walking up, wrapping his arms around Luke's neck. 

Luke held the flowers behind Michael's back, still using his other hand to hold Michael's waist, holding him tight.

Michael pulled back, kissing Luke on the cheek, before moving over and pressing their lips together softly, pulling away, taking a few deep breaths, seeing such care in Luke's beautiful eyes.

"I love your eyes, do you know that?" 

Luke smiled back at him,  
"I love yours too." 

"mine are the color of like old, dead grass." Michael rolled his eyes, Luke laughing and watching as Michael smiled.

"I don't think they look like that, and I mean- what if I like that color?" Luke kept the smile on his face, pecking Michael on the lips, right after he had let out a laugh.

"you're ridiculous, Luke."

"yeah, but you're still dating me so there must be something that you like."

"that's true."

Michael kissed Luke on the cheek then pulled away.

Luke handed Michael the roses, who smelled them and smiled down at them,

"you're so amazing." 

soon, Liz appeared, holding a vase that held water and gently took the flowers out of Michael's hands, smiling at both of them, muttering a   
"have fun," before disappearing into the kitchen.

Michael and Luke turned back towards each other, smiling and kissing softly one more time, pulling away and then intertwining their fingers, hand in hand as they walked outside to Luke's truck. 

Luke opened the door for Michael, still making him blush, before walking to the other side, getting in his side and turning on some music, and reaching behind Michael's seat, grabbing a black blindfold and showing Michael.

Michael laughed,  
"kinky." 

Luke blushed and laughed,  
"no, I just don't want you to know where we're going."

Michael smiled,  
"okay, should I be worried?"

Luke laughed,  
"no, just turn around." 

Michael laughed and smirked, causing them both to laugh, and then put his seatbelt on.

he turned, Luke putting the blindfold around Michael's eyes, tying it in the back and then had Michael turn, starting the car and driving, holding Michael's hand, their hands resting on Luke's thigh.

Michael sat, encompassed with nervousness.

the drive seemed to last forever, Michael's knee bouncing nervously as the air seemed to get a little colder around him. 

after what seemed like hours, the truck came to a stop, and Luke spoke,

"wait here babe, I'll be right back."

Michael nodded and listened as Luke got out of the truck.

he bit his lip nervously, trying to calm his breathing, feeling anxious.

he always found it nerve racking not knowing what was going on, so he was trying to think about other things. 

soon, his own door was being opened and he was being helped out of the car, his hands resting on Luke's shoulders. 

he walked a few steps, enjoying the silence, and soon he felt Luke move behind him and kiss his neck, making him hum, before he untied the blindfold, pulling it from Michael's face, dropping it to the ground.

Michael smiled wide, bringing his hands up to cover his mouth in shock.

"Luke- wow."

Michael looked around, amazed.

they were in the middle of a deserted field with beautiful green grass.

in the middle of the field, right in front of where they were, there were several plush blankets overlapped with pillows surrounding the area.

Michael noticed the candles placed neatly in the grass, lighting up the scene beautifully.

"do you like it?" Luke walked in front of him and Michael smiled,

"I love it. you're so cheesy and dorky but it's amazing. I'm so happy." 

Luke smiled down at him, taking in the way Michael's smile reached his eyes, and the way his cheeks were reddening from the cold.

Michael looked around and saw Calum waving and shouting,  
"have fun!"

Luke waved back at Calum and smiled at Michael,  
"he set it up for me, I think I was annoying when I called him a million times to make sure he did it right."

Michael laughed,  
"well it's perfect." 

they both smiled and Luke grabbed Michael's hand, guiding him over to the soft area with blankets everywhere. 

Luke moved and grabbed a box of pizza out from under a pillow, causing Michael to smile and lightly laugh.

Luke opened the box and they both each ate a piece of it, Michael's nerves slowly settling.

they drank some water and then Luke set things aside and moved right in front of Michael and held both of his hands.

Michael eyed him nervously, but Luke just smiled at him reassuringly. 

"Michael, I brought here because I just wanted to thank you for like- letting me spend time with you. I know that you haven't had the best life and the fact that you're able to let me be with you is really amazing and I just- I love you so much. I hope that you're able to see that soon, because you're such an amazing person."

Michael blushed and nodded,  
"I'm glad you brought me here, and thank you for like- letting me be with you. you're so great and I just wish- you know never mind."

Luke's eyebrows furrowed,  
"no- babe, what did you wanna say?"

Michael shook his head,  
"no it's fine, don't worry about it."

Luke frowned,  
"please tell me babe."

Michael swallowed past a lump in his throat,  
"I just wish that like- I wish that I was able to be for you like you are for me. I wish that I could make you feel happy like you do for me."

Luke smiled with hope,  
"I make you happy?"

Michael blushed for what seemed like the hundredth time,  
"yeah you like- you help a lot."   
his eyes were on the floor, but they darted up every time that Luke spoke.

"I'm so glad babe."

Michael's smile faltered as he kept thinking,  
"Luke I just wish that I could fix myself so that everything wasn't so complicated! I'm just tired of feeling so guilty all the time. you're so good to me and I guess I just feel bad because I feel like I'll never be able to treat you well."

Luke shook his head, grabbing onto Michael's shoulders, 

"you are the best thing that has ever happened to me." Luke tried to ignore the way that Michael lightly shook his head at the statement, obviously in disbelief. "I'm serious Michael. I love you so much that it's crazy. when I see you my heart literally goes crazy and I feel like I can't breathe because I'm so nervous. Michael you drive me crazy and I doubt that no matter what, that feeling will ever go away, because you are beautiful and caring and you have the biggest heart that I have ever seen and it breaks my heart how much you aren't believing what I'm saying right now and I just- you make me so happy, you do! whenever we talk my face ends up hurting from smiling so much. when I'm with Calum he has had to snap in front of my face to make me pay attention to him because I was always thinking about you. I promise that I won't leave you. I don't break my promises. you are so perfect to me, and I love you so much."

Michael was in tears, looking to the ground.  
"I just-" his voice was shaky and light, sounding uneasy, "I just wish that I could tell you everything and just not be so messed up."

Luke practically whimpered seeing Michael like that, and he wiped the tears threatening to roll down his face.

"baby, I live for the day when you're able to tell me everything, but I will wait as long as I need to, because I know that it's hard to talk about. and I mean- I know that you feel messed up, but I need you to know that you are not messed up to me. I love you so much and also- I never would expect you to say 'I love you' back because I just need you to be able to hear it from me because-" he started to cry, "I need you to hear it from me because I mean it, and if I meant it and never say it then you would never be able to understand how much I love you and that would- baby that would be a waste, because I honestly love you so much, and it would be tragic if I didn't get to spend even a minute of my life with you."

Michael was full on crying now, but he moved forward and kissed Luke in the softest way, their lips forming heat that seemed to spread throughout their bodies. 

Michael moved and put his legs on either side of Luke's waist, lowering his hips down.

the kiss became heated and Michael felt something different spread through his veins that he couldn't quite explain.

Luke moved his hand up and grabbed the hair at the nape of Michael's neck, moving him down to the ground with him. 

Luke was on his back, Michael hunched over, their lips still connected and Michael's jeans caused friction that made both of them mutter each other's names, Luke bucking his hips up and letting out a moan as Michael grinded down his hips.

the whole situation was messy and frantic, but it had so much care and kindness in it, that it was hard to explain. 

in this situation, Michael founding himself noticing how truly gentle Luke was. 

as they kissed, Luke make sure not to tug at Michael's hair hard enough that it would hurt, and when he would get excited and lightly bite Michael's lip, it was full of love and it never hurt Michael, it just made him feel even more cared for.

when they pulled away one time, to only go back to their heated make out session, that's when Michael realized...


	21. chapter twentyone

when they pulled away one time, to only go back to their heated make out session, that's when Michael realized...

Michael realized that he loved Luke.

he discovered that it was every little touch, every word said, every kiss every sappy comment, every smile, every tear that has caused him to fall for Luke, and it's simply ridiculous to him. 

Michael hates that he's in love, he absolutely hates it, but Luke drives him crazy and he can't seem to control that.

Michael still hates himself with such a passion that he can't explain, and he can't seem to love himself, but Luke was able to allow Michael the honor of loving him, and Luke has somehow found the ability to think that he's in love with Michael.

Michael is in love with the boy because he somehow makes Michael feel like it's okay that he's so messed up, and like he does have hope.

Michael doesn't understand how Luke can make him feel like this.

he doesn't want to believe that Luke loves him, but it's pretty hard not to believe it, because Luke just has that look.

he can't help but feel like it isn't real, because why would Luke choose to love someone so broken?

but then again, Michael didn't choose to love Luke, so he guesses that love might not work like that.

whenever Michael is crumbling apart and drifting away, Luke can always kiss the pieces back together and make Michael stay, and that is just utterly beautiful. 

Michael always feels so exhausted with his life, but Luke makes it more exciting.

this feeling that Michael gets when Luke kisses him, or just tells him goodnight, must be love, because he can't explain it any other way, and it's enraging to think that he is allowing himself to be put in another situation that could lead to heartbreak and sadness. it's absolutely terrifying, but all of those feeling fade away when he looks into those sincere bright blue eyes.

he realized that Luke is still here, he didn't leave when he found out about Michael's scars and he didn't leave when Michael wasn't ready to have sex yet, and he didn't leave after Michael let a few brief things slip about his unstable mother and Luke has always been so selfless and helpful towards him and it almost drives him crazy because he can't bring himself to comprehend all that's going on and all that Luke has done for him, because it's terrifying.

for some reason, it scares Michael how good Luke is. 

he's worried that if Luke stays with him then he's going to ruin Luke's beauty because people have always told Michael that he destroys everything he comes in contact with, and he doesn't want to destroy Luke.

he feels so fucking selfish for loving Luke, for making him worry about his health, because it's not important, and Luke is convinced that it is and so he spends time worrying about Michael, and that just brings even more guilt into Michael's mind that just piles up like crazy, because Michael ruins everything so then he always ends up having something to be guilty for.

he absolutely hates it, but a realizes that Luke is everything that he has, wants and needs right now, and Luke is convinced that he loves Michael, and so Michael chooses to go down that path even though he might regret it, but he does love Luke, so much.

he just hopes that Luke won't leave him, at least for a while, because Michael doesn't know how else he'll stay alive.

he also realized that he couldn't tell him just yet. 

he didn't want to regret it.

he's sure now that he loves him so much but he's terrified that Luke will end it soon and then it would be like he was handing over the little bit of good that he has left.

he had been hurt so much by people he loved in the past, that he is horrified of that happening again and him just being left with nothing, so he needs to wait...

just to be sure. 

•••

the kissing continued, Luke breathing becoming frantic, his whole body feeling trembly and he was a mess.

"Michael- fuckfuckfuck. we should like uh- stop because like I'm- fuck Michael. I'm close shit."

Michael whimpered at Luke's words, having the exact same problem.  
"fuck- me too."

"do you wanna stop?"

Michael shushed him and connected their lips again, each of them moaning and whimpering against each others' lips.

Luke uncontrollably bucked his hips, sending shivers down Michael's spine.

Michael let out a moan as the grinding continued, making Luke internally groan at just how head over heels he was for this boy.

he hates that he hadn't talked to him sooner, but at least he talked to him once, because he's pretty sure that Michael wouldn't be alive if he hadn't.

that thought sending drastic guilt to his mind.

but in this moment, all he can think is 

MichaelMichaelMichael

and he doesn't even mind, because Michael is an amazing person to think about, let alone love.

Luke looked up at Michael in front of him, his face flushed red, his lip in between his teeth. 

Luke grabbed onto the back of Michael's neck, connecting their lips again, leaving him breathless, pulling away only so that their lips were brushing, Michael still grinding his hips down over and over, letting out a moan.

the sound of Michael sent Luke over the edge, releasing into his jeans, Michael doing the same seconds afterward, his legs trembling as he came down from his high, collapsing onto Luke.

they spent several minutes like that, trying to regulate their breathing, before getting up and making their way into the truck, the mess in both of their jeans making them laugh as they both had to make it to Luke's and each take showers.


	22. chapter twentytwo

after another week, Michael knew that he had to tell Luke that he loved him.

he didn't think that he could take it any longer.

•••

the two boys were sitting in a coffee house, both drinking hot cocoa, due to the fact that the weather outside made the boys both turn even more pale and red, that they were shivering to the point that they had to slip into the warm building.

"...so that's how Calum ending up bumping into our third grade teacher and knocking her over."

Michael covered his face, letting out a laugh.

"that's hilarious." he put his hand back at his sides, a smile still on his face.

Luke smiled fondly at the boy,  
"your smile is so adorable, I love it." 

Michael blushed, only able to think,  
well I love you.

the boys sat for a while, talking about simple things, Michael too distracted to really pay attention to the conversation.

when they finished their cocoa and walked over to the door, Michael tucked himself into Luke's jacket, then they stepped out into the thin and cold air, making both of them shiver, Michael absolutely in love with the way Luke's nose turned terribly red at the weather as they walked quickly in the direction of Luke's house. 

while they were walking, Michael held Luke's hand, loving how their hands fit so well together, his hands always engulfed in Luke's.

the walk was long and Michael was absolutely stressed out.

he wanted to tell Luke more than anything, but he wanted it to be perfect.

he knew that Luke wouldn't care if he said it, but he didn't want to mess up.

he also was feeling selfish, so he was tempted to just blurt it out, but he knew that he might regret doing it that way, so he really needed more time to think about it. 

Michael's mind was racing with various ideas of how to tell him.

the best thing was just doing it when Luke didn't expect it, he knew that he needed to say it when Luke told him that he loved him, because if he did it randomly, then he would never actually do it.

he didn't want to chicken out.

•••

over the course of a few days, Michael had the opportunity over ten times to say it, but he was just so scared.

he was scared that he was going to regret it. 

he already knew that he loved him, but he felt as if the words would mean something different when he actually said them, and that terrified him.

he was driving himself utterly crazy.

he found himself trying to say it out loud like he was talking to Luke, and he felt ridiculous.

Michael was literally going insane.

•••

so on a cold friday afternoon, Michael went to Luke's house with him after school, deciding to go for a walk.

Michael knew that he had to do it then or else he would never do it.

he knew how stupid he was being when he gave himself a motivational speech on why it was good to just tell him.

•••

hand in hand, the boys were walking down this empty street lit up by only street lights and the faded dirty lights of old convenient stores, reflecting off the midnight black roads that were shiny from the rain that had fallen hours ago. 

Michael looked around, breathing in the city air.

he couldn't help but smile due to the fact that he was so calm, everything silent except for the distant noise from the freeway. he was with Luke and it felt amazing. 

soon he felt Luke's gaze.

he looked over, blushing like he always did when those piercing blue eyes met his, smiling lightly, seeing how Luke was just admiring him, making him feel loved.

soon Luke's voice broke the silence, filling Michael's ears,  
"I love you so much Michael."

Michael swallowed past a lump in his throat, looking as deep into the boys eyes as he could, his voice coming out light and broken,  
"I love you too." 

Luke's breath hitched.

he smiled, stopping them in the middle of the road, his hands going up to Michael's arms, holding him tightly, looking at him, nothing but hope, love and maybe concern in his eyes.

"Michael- you don't have to say it back."

"I wanted to say it back."

"it's okay I don't care if you don't-"

"Luke shut up. I love you so much. I knew it at our date in the field I just- I couldn't get the balls to say it out loud. I promise I'm being serious. it took me forever to say it but I swear that I mean it."

Luke smiled, his eyes crinkling as he did.

"I love you so fucking much."

Michael smiled,  
"shit- I love you too babe."

Luke continued to smile, moving in and kissing Michael in the gentlest way possible.

Michael grabbed onto Luke's jacket, bringing their bodies closer together, trying to get more of Luke's body heat.

Michael rested his head on Luke's chest, feeling relieved with the words off his chest.

Luke held Michael close, his hand in Michael's red hair, combing through it absentmindedly.

they stayed like this for a while, before Michael pulled away from the hug, moving up to kiss the boy again, walking forward, their lips still connected, Luke backing up until his back hit the side of a closed down restaurant, Michael making Luke pressed up onto it firmly, their kiss more rough, Michael pulling away every few seconds, just to utter the words,  
"I love you."

Luke still unable to get used to the lovely sound of that.


	23. chapter twentythree

when Luke drove Michael back to his house, he really didn't want to leave him.

they parked and he looked at the boy,  
"are you sure you want me to drop you here? we can just stay at mine and cuddle and kiss."

Michael grinned thinking about it, then leaned forward, connecting their lips.

Luke whimpered a little, pouting when they pulled away.

"sorry, babe. I just think that I should come home and talk to my mom, she's um- probably- she probably wants to talk I guess."

Luke frowned, looking at him with worry,  
"okay. I love you."

Michael smiled,   
"I love you too. fuck- I need to go or else I will just give myself away right here, right now." 

Luke smirked, pulling Michael into his lap, who squirmed but remained where he was, leaning down and kissing the blonde.

Michael hummed, letting Luke's tongue explore his mouth, feeling Luke's lip ring cold against his lips.

Luke rubbed up Michael's thighs softly, his hands practically covering all of Michael's thin legs.

Michael whimpered,  
"fuck- babe. I gotta go."

Luke pouted and nibbled at Michael's neck, pulling a shaky laugh that was almost a whimper from him. 

"okay." he kissed his lips and placed his hands on Michael's face, "I love you so much baby."

Michael blushed, kissing Luke on the lips,  
"I love you too babe."

he moved off of Luke, slipping out of his arms and back into his seat.

"bye. I'll see you on Monday."

Luke nodded,  
"okay. love you."

Michael smiled, rolling his eyes at how often they said it,  
"I love you too."

he grabbed his backpack and opened the door, closing it and smiling at Luke before he walked up to his doorstep, reluctantly putting his key in the door and unlocking it, walking into the thick air smelling of alcohol.

"um- Mom? I'm home."

all he heard was a loud groan from the living room and he threw his backpack down, walking into there seeing her draped across the sofa, her hair matted and dirty. 

he walked up to her, kneeling down and taping her shoulder,  
"you okay Mom?"

she groaned,  
"aspirin."

he got up and walked into the kitchen, getting a glass of water and pills, walking back into the room, handing it to her, frowning.

"thanks."

Michael nodded, feeling bad for her because she didn't used to be so messed up.

she took the pills, obviously hungover.

it was strange, she was never hungover she was usually just drunk because she never stopped drinking but when she did it was rough.

Michael hoped she would stay sober but he knew that it would never happen.

it broke his heart.

he honestly loved his mother with all his heart, but she was a mess.

he knew it was his fault for turning in his father for the drugs but he never intended to do that.

after his father went to jail, his mother began drinking non-stop, 

Michael was left to basically raise himself and attempt to get through things like what happened with Ashton...

•••

Michael woke up at 2:27am.

he was wide awake right away. 

he groaned, tucking his knees up to his chest.

he thought about texting Luke but he didn't want to annoy him. 

he hated feeling like he annoyed everyone.

he could get assured that he wasn't a million times but he will always feel like a burden.

he knows that Luke loves him but he's worried that they could drift apart and it would always be his fault.

he ruins everything. 

•••

he walked downstairs to get some food, looking through his fuller than usual cabinets, not having an appetite. 

he walked outside and going up the latter that his dad had attached to the house before he got put in jail.

he climbed up the rungs and sat on the roof, a place where he liked to go on silent and lonely nights.

he sat there and stared off into space, the tears finally falling.

he hated feeling like this.

right as his cries started turning into sobs, his phone went off, a text from Luke.

woke up way too early, guess I just miss you.

Michael smiled, his heart heavy in his chest.

me too. I'm on my roof lol.

that sounds like fun I'm on my way over, you're probably freezing.

Michael rolled his eyes at the truth of it, smiling.

you don't have to come.

Luke sent one immediately like he had already had it typed out.

shut up, I'm coming :)

Michael smiled, bringing his hands to his face, trying to get warmth, knowing that the blonde on his way would provide that warmth easily.


	24. chapter twenty four; ashton

it took about thirty minutes for Luke's truck to pull up in front of Michael's house.

Luke got out of his car, holding a box of pizza, a backpack on his shoulders.

Michael laughed, smiling at him.

Luke looked up, seeing Michael smiling on the roof, his knees up to his chest, obviously shivering, a smile still spread across his face.

Luke threw the pizza box up, letting Michael catch it quickly, in a frantic way, making them laugh.

Luke approached the ladder, climbing up, relieved when he reached the flat surface.

it was like it was made for people to be up there,   
"this is really cool."

Michael smiled,  
"I know, I love it."

Luke opened the box of pizza making Michael laugh.

"you're so sweet, it's ridiculous." 

he grabbed a piece and took a bite of it.

Luke looked closely in Michael's eyes, seeing them puffy and red.

he reached out his hand, making Michael set down his pizza, feeling nervous under his gaze.

Luke's hand was on Michael's cheek gently.

"you okay, baby?"

Michael shuddered, unsure.

"yeah. tired I guess."

Luke knew that Michael wasn't fully honest but he didn't want to push it, so he just nodded and ran his thumb back and forth on his cheek bone.

Michael couldn't stand the silence, the faint movement, and the unsteady feeling in his stomach.

he focused on the tint of red in Luke's face, the only light around was the moon starting to be the sun and the black street light near a house away.

he tried to pay attention to the lovely blue in Luke's eyes, not the reflection that he could see in them.

Michael was drawn in by the look of Luke's slightly chapped lips, the way they were almost to the point of a grin, the slight expression of concern spread across his face.

Michael leaned forward, his lips meeting Luke's, his eyes fluttering closed at the contact, his whole body seeming to warm up.

•••

as they sat there hand in hand, Michael was struck with that feeling of holy shit I'm dating Luke Hemmimgs, for what seemed like the millionth time. 

he knew that he needed to show him how thankful he was.

he needed to prove to Luke that he trusted him.

he knew by then, that saying how thankful he was wouldn't be enough.

he had tried to thank him in the past, and Luke seemed amazed by it, but he knows how great Luke is, and it never feels like enough.

•••

Luke looked down at Michael, knowing that he wanted to say something.

Michael looked up, meeting Luke's gaze.

"I think we should talk."

Luke immediately felt concerned, moving in front of Michael, his legs crossed, their knees touching.  
"did I do something wrong?"

Michael chuckled,  
"no, of course not- I just- I think I should tell you about Ashton."

Luke's breath hitched, completely shocked at the words.

"Michael you don't have to-"

"no. I want to- I need you to know how much I love and trust you."

"Michael that's amazing, but it's fine. I don't know what happened with him, but I know that it hurt you horribly and I can't make you talk about something like that- I don't want it to make you want to like cut- I just- please. I promise that it's okay and I know that you trust me. I know that you go have and are going through a lot, so it's okay."

Michael's tone was pleading.

"Luke, listen to me! if I don't tell you now then I never will, dammit!" Michael's eyes were slowly filling with tears, his hands in fists at his sides, his small figure glowing, looking beautiful, begging for Luke to listen. Michael visibly took a deep breath, Luke patiently waiting for him to continue. "I just- I need to explain it because- I'm so fucking tired of having to dodge the subject. I feel like you deserve to know. I love you and I need to just get it off my chest. I've never talked about it like this with anyone."

Luke nodded,  
"okay. are you sure?"

"positive."

Luke swallowed past a lump in his throat, waiting for Michael to begin.

"we met in preschool. he was an extraordinary guy. he was always smiling and laughing. his laugh was contagious it was fucking ridiculous. he was the kind of guy that you could try to be mad at, but if you had a five minute conversation with him, you couldn't help but change your mind. it's sounds idiotic. I just- we were best friends. our conversations were never serious but I never thought that they needed to be. I thought that we were just carefree, because I always was. we hung out all the time. he talked to me about girls and he wasn't even freaked out when I talked to him about hot guys. it was amazing. I loved him so much. he was my favorite person in the world, we barely ever fought, and when we did, my mom would call his mom and they'd make us talk because they always knew that our fights were so fucking stupid and that we couldn't stop our friendship. he was the person that helped me through what happened with my dad- which I haven't really told you about but we'll get to that another time at four o'clock in the morning." they both laughed before Michael became serious again, sighing.  
"so anyway, one day, just after Eighth grade started, I was at school and Ashton wasn't there. I thought that he was sick so I texted him and he didn't answer. I knew that both of his parents were working so I didn't bother them." his hands started to shake and he became fidgety. "I guess I wasn't that worried because if I were really sick I wouldn't be on my phone every second. so after class ended, I texted my mom to let her know that he wasn't there and wasn't answering his phone, and that I would go to his house. so then I rode my bike over there- his parents still weren't home, so I parked my bike and walked up and the front door was unlocked, which was normal. so I walked up the stairs and like-" he was shaking even harder now, "he was hanging on his fucking ceiling fan and he had jumped off his bed- strangling himself. he was unconscious so I thought he might still be alive and I was just screaming and crying, and nobody fucking heard me Luke!" he was crying, obviously trying to keep it together. "I pulled him down from the fan and I noticed that his wrists were just dripping with blood, he had slit both vertically. I never talked to him about his true feelings! I always kept it light and it's my fucking fault that he's dead." he was sobbing now, Luke pulled him into his lap like a baby, the position seeming odd, but Michael was so vulnerable in this moment that it actually made Luke's heart shatter. "it's my fucking fault."

Luke was crying now, holding Michael as he sobbed, his whole body shaking.  
"no it isn't. it's not your fault!"

Michael ignored his statement, composing himself,  
"when they- when they took off his clothes to examine him and everything, even though it was obvious that it was a suicide, they- they found cuts all over his hips and stomach and his thighs. it was horrible. I never saw because we never went swimming. he had told me that he couldn't swim and was scared of water, and he always wore a lot of clothes because he said he was like- always cold. I found it strange but I thought he must just have even a shittier body heat than me, so I never really like thought that much into it. I thought he was telling me the truth but he wasn't. I guess I can't blame him after how I feel. that's how I got like this. I assumed that since he cut himself he was always so happy all the time, so I guess I just tried it out. it didn't really help at first but I just kept doing it and doing it. eventually I convinced myself that it was helping. when I realized how ridiculous that was, I tried to stop but I'm addicted. I feel so stupid for being addicted to something so pathetic but- my life is shit. it's better with you and I am so thankful for that. I guess I just can't make myself like- get over it I guess. I wish that I would have just gotten better, but I mean, since I fucked up with my dad, my mom was mad so I had no support system except him and he died and I could have stopped him and I don't think that I'll ever be able to forgive myself for that."

Luke kissed Michael's head.

"thank you for telling me that. you are so strong."

Michael whimpered in his arms, and Luke spoke again,  
"let's go inside."

Michael nodded against his chest, getting up and climbing down the ladder, the boys bringing the stuff with them.

they were as quiet as they could be.

they got into the house, walking up the stairs and slipping in Michael's room.

Luke set his stuff down, walking over to Michael's bed, getting inside the covers by the wall, motioning for Michael to come over to him.

Michael smiled, blushing, his head hurting from the incessant crying.

he walked over, climbing under the covers, laying his heart on Luke's chest, his arm draped across Luke's torso.

"I love you so much. I know I sound lame, but I'm so proud that you talked about that with me. I don't and never blamed you for not telling me sooner, because that was an extremely traumatizing experience. don't blame yourself for your self harm. also, you don't need to keep trying to get over the situation. it wasn't your fault and I promise you that."

Michael sighed, moving up to lazily kiss the blonde.

he didn't believe a word he said besides the declaration of his love, but he knew that he had made the right choice in telling him.


	25. twenty five

after Michael told Luke about what happened with Ashton, he felt a little bit less stressed out.

he was worried that Luke would judge him, but he was trying to convince himself how paranoid he was being.

Luke had told Michael that he always wanted Michael to be completely honest with him when he asked him how he was feeling. 

It was odd at first, but Michael just wants to make Luke happy, so he's trying to do everything that the boy asks of him, but it's hard when he's terrified that he will scare Luke out of the relationship, because if he said how he truly felt, Luke would also be living in a never ending nightmare.

Michael felt so much more comfortable around Luke now, but he was just so uncomfortable with himself and how he acts, so it's honestly hard to enjoy his life.

•••

the two boys were sitting at the lunch table at school, and Michael was having one of his bad days.

he was trying not to pay attention to the way his wrists were itching for pain, or the way his hands were shaky.

he was doing his best to ignore the way he had to hold back from falling apart and crying in front of Luke.

he didn't know what triggered it, but he hardly ever did.

he would just wake up feeling fine, and then his mind would do it's own thing and he would be left with the consequences of his thoughts.

"Michael?" Luke's hand was on Michael's and he was looking at him, the common look of sorry spread across his face.

"yeah?"

Luke frowned,  
"I said your name like three times, are you okay?"

Michael nodded, looking to the floor,  
"I guess I just spaced out."

Luke nodded, not wanting to push it, but obviously not believing him.

"I love you."

Michael lightly smiled,  
"I love you too."

Luke got up and moved to the bench that Michael was sitting on, draping his arm over the red haired boy, pulling their bodies together.

Michael's brain seemed to slow down a little bit, leaving him more comfortable.

"you're so good to me, Luke. I don't deserve you."

Luke exhaled deeply,  
"no, it's just that I'm attempting to treat you how you deserve to be treated."

Michael sighed and tried to let the words go to his heart, but he ended up just analyzing the words in his head until they sounded how he heard them.

he just doesn't think that he will ever deserve to be treated the way Luke treats him, because he acts like he is the most fragile and perfect angel that can't do anything right, but that's not how Michael sees himself.

Michael sees an ugly, over the top and annoying kid. he knows that he ruins everything and that he can never be the person that he was meant to be.

he knows that he could have had the potential to be a good person, but he messed it up by being gay and sad and making messy and disgusting scars all over his body, that he is addicted to and he hates it, but he can't help it, because he fucked up everything.

he hates his scars and he hates how weak he is, but for some reason, he finds joy in the fact that only he can create those marks.

it's the one thing that he actually has control over.


	26. chapter twenty six- promise?

when school let out, Michael's feet were moving so quickly to meet Luke at his car, that he almost felt like he was flying.

the blonde boy walked up to the red head, kissing him deeply and whispering,  
"I love you," knowing that Michael wasn't doing okay today.

Michael sighed and hugged Luke tight, hating that he was having one of these days in front of Luke again, because he knew that it scared him.

when they got into Luke's truck, Luke held his right hand out, having Michael hold it, driving the car with his other hand.

Michael held onto the boys hand more tightly than usual, trying to soak in the love that Luke so easily puts out.

Michael's heart feels empty on these kind of days, but it also feels too full, so that's why he has scars, he makes marks to feel pain and feels like he's creating something else, building up and making him more whole, but also making him feel less overwhelmed and help him feel more empty, watching the blood trickle down his skin and the thoughts slow down.

"Michael, baby."

Michael's head snapped over to him,  
"yeah?"

Luke smiled sympathetically,  
"we're here."

Michael looked around, seeing that they were parked at his house, Luke dropping him off.

Michael laughed, embarrassed,  
"oh, uh- sorry."

Luke laughed,  
"it's okay babe. we all space out sometimes, are you okay though?"

Michael blinked slowly, nodding.  
"yeah- just- I'm tired today."

Luke nodded, not believing him,  
"can you like- promise me something?"

Michael's heart started to race,  
"what?"

Luke fumbled with his fingers, swallowing past a lump in his throat,  
"can you like-" he stopped, his voice shaky, "can you promise that you won't like- hurt yourself? you're really scaring me."

Michael put his head down, his lip shaking as tears formed in his eyes.

"I- Luke- I just-" Michael put his hands in front of his face, the tears falling. 

he hated being like this. 

Michael was going crazy.

his mind was racing, his thoughts were all over the place.

he thought about Ashton, his mother his father and even Luke, because he never thought that he deserved that angel.

he wished that his mind would just stop for five seconds so that he could actually breathe, because at this point, his body felt like it was just running out of oxygen completely.

it was like all of the oxygen went to his brain, giving it air and letting if breathe, all of those deep thoughts surfacing and driving him mad, making him feel like something is seriously wrong with him, and he knows there is.

normal people aren't like this;

normal people don't cry themselves to sleep, normal people don't constantly remind themselves that they are ugly, stupid and unworthy of love, and normal people don't create scars on their bodies to represent the scars trapped in their minds.

Michael knows that he's normal, and he hates it, but he has to deal with it.

soon, Luke pulled Michael into his lap, them in their very common position, Michael's head leaning forward and resting his head on Luke's shoulder.

"Michael, honey. I'm so scared to leave you here. are you okay?"

Michael quietly sobbed against Luke's shoulder, muttering,  
"I'm sorry, Luke. I'm so ridiculous."

Luke rubbed soothing circles on Michael's back,   
"Mikey, please don't say that. you're not ridiculous, I love you so much."

Michael sighed, moving his hands forward and putting his arms around Luke's waist.  
"I love you too."

Luke sighed,   
"promise?"

Michael held Luke impossibly tighter, having a hard time answering him.  
"Luke I just- I don't know if I can like- promise you that. I'm so stupid but I just- I'm sorry. I don't want to break a promise, so I promise you something that I can't keep."

Luke let a tear fall and his eyes were closed as he tried to stop the tears and Michael sat up, grabbing Luke's face, kissing him, more tears falling from both of their eyes.

one of Michael's small hands moved down to Luke's jacket, holding onto it as the kiss deepened, their tears falling.

Luke pulled away, looking into the beautiful shade of green eyes in front of him that he could get lost in.

"I can't leave you alone."

Michael looked away,  
"I'll be okay, it's fine."

"no it's not. text your mom and tell her."

Michael sighed, pulling his phone out of his back pocket and sending a text to his mom,

I'm gonna spend the night at my friends house, I'll see you tomorrow. love you xx

she read it but she didn't reply.

Michael kissed Luke's cheek and then moved back to the passenger seat, pulling his sleeves up and looking at his scars, hoping to get a little relief by just looking at them, running his finger along the paths of each of them, sighing to himself as he felt Luke's eyes on him.

Michael immediately yanked down his sweater and put his knees up to his chest, looking out the window.

he took a deep breath, mumbling,  
"thank you," because he wasn't able to think of anything else to say to the blonde haired boy.


	27. chapter twenty seven

that night, the two boys had laid together, Michael curled up into Luke's arms.

Luke was thinking about how lucky he is to be with Michael.

he knows that Michael hates himself, and he searches his brain to understand why, but every time he tries to think of the bad things in Michael, his mind always drifts off to the beautiful look in Michael's eyes when he kisses Luke, or the sounds that had escaped Michael's soft lips on that beautiful night in the park. 

Luke couldn't help but find the beauty in Michael's sadness. 

Luke was able to see the pure guilt that Michael laid on himself for no reason, and it just explained to Luke that Michael's scars weren't a sign that Michael was crazy or a bad person, they explained just how great Michael was.

he never blamed anything on anyone, he always took it out on himself.

that hurt Luke, because he knew that Michael doesn't deserve that, but it just warmed Luke's heart that Michael let him take care of him.

Luke always thought back to that night when he went to Michael's house and he was passed out on the floor.

he remembers the whole world falling into this horrifying silence, not able to hear his screams but knowing that they were heard. he knew that Michael wasn't okay, that he needed help, and that night made Luke determined that he would help him. 

Luke knew that Michael wasn't a broken toy to be fixed.

he thought of him as a beautiful masterpiece painted for the heavens that had some blank spots.

he knew that he just had to give Michael more love and reassurance for himself, and then he could slowly fill in the blanks and made the painting whole again.

that's all that Michael really needed;

love and reassurance.

•••

he heard muffled screams and the boy shook in his arms, screaming,  
"STOP! PLEASE STOP!"

Luke's heart raced and he immediately jumped up, walking around to the other side of the bed.

Michael was sweating in his sleep, tears actually falling as he screamed protests.

Luke brought his hand up to Michael's hair, stroking it.  
"Michael, baby- what's wrong?"

Michael's screams stopped but he tossed and turned, still muttering words, horrified.

moments later, Luke's door swung open, Liz standing there, terrified.

Luke was scared watching his boyfriend go through this.

she turned on the light, walking over, whispering to Luke,  
"what's wrong?"  
she watched Michael stirring as Luke tried to comfort him.

"I don't know he just starting screaming and I- I guess it's a nightmare I don't know why- I just-"

"okay, Luke go get a washcloth and put cold water on it and I'll try to wake him up."

Luke nodded and he ran out of his room, his mind racing.

why was Michael so terrified in his dream?

he grabbed a wash cloth out of the cabinet that stores towels in his hallway, before running into the bathroom and getting it wet with cold water, wringing it out and going back into his room, where his mom was tapping Michael's shoulder, who said "STOP!" and her heart hurt, because she had grown to love Michael like her own son and she could tell that he was in pain.

Liz took the washcloth from Luke's hands, draping it across Michael's warm forehead for several moments.

Luke walked forward and kissed Michael on the cheek, whispering,  
"I love you Michael, are you okay? you're really scaring me. what's wrong?" 

Michael's eyebrows furrowed and his eyes fluttered open slowly, blinded by the light around him and he gasped and sat up, before looking around, feeling embarrassed.

Liz patted Michael's knee,  
"are you alright?"

Michael nodded, confused.

Luke was beyond confused, and just got on his side of the bed, sitting down and running his hands through the boys' hair.

Liz admired the two, knowing that she must have raised Luke well.

"what happened, Michael." Liz's voice was soft and concerned.

"well I uh- I guess I just had a bad dream. I'm tired I should just um- go back to sleep or something."

Liz nodded, tapping his knee,  
"alright, I'll leave you guys. I hope that you're okay and Michael, you can talk to me anytime. I know that might sound uncomfortable but I'm genuinely here for you."

Michael nodded, still shaken up,  
"thank you, Liz."

she smiled comfortingly and left the room, closing the door behind her.

Luke grabbed the washcloth that had fallen on Luke's bed and threw it in the direction of his dirty clothes, not caring at that moment where it landed.

Luke curled around the red haired boy, spooning him, his arm draped across Michael's torso.  
"I love you so much, Michael."

Michael felt emotionally drained for some reason, but he found the strength to say,  
"I love you more."

Luke chuckled lowly against his ear, kissing his head,  
"impossible."

Luke desperately wanted to know what was wrong, but he settled for this.

he was perfectly fine with providing warmth for his boyfriend, hoping to slowly begin making him less sad, because he knew that his angel didn't deserve this constant pain.


	28. chapter twenty eight- you look stunning like this

the next morning, Luke woke up with Michael's little arms wrapped tightly around his middle in his sleep, and it made Luke smile.

sometimes, Michael was like a little kid; loud and fun, and then your opinion about him would even improve when you actually got to know him, because Michael was a brilliant boy.

Michael had such a sad, yet beautiful way of looking at things. he found the negative in things, but always laughed about it, like he was trying to stop people from getting into his head. it was like he was protecting the fragile part of himself, and and making himself appear to be carefree, when he was the opposite. Michael never completely stopped worrying. he could be having a good day where he'd smile until his cheeks hurt, but deep down he would still be stressed out.

Michael's deep eyes looked up at Luke with sleepy eyes, and Luke smiled at him, moving his hand up to rub his thumb soothingly on the smaller boys' face, admiring his unique beauty.

Michael hummed and intertwined their legs, studying the gorgeous shade of blue that spreads through Luke's loving eyes.

Michael couldn't ascertain the words to describe how much he loved the blonde boy.

all that he could manage into words was that Luke is his angel. 

Luke entered Michael's life when he needed him most, and has made him feel more beloved than he had felt in an extremely long duration.

Michael felt as if he was disconsolate. no matter what Luke would do, he just felt so utterly helpless.

his whole mind was filled with a dreary, gloomy fog that somehow amalgamated and broke apart his thoughts, making them jumbled in his brain.

Michael loved Luke so much but he felt like he didn't love him right.

Michael knows that Luke deserves to be taken care of and praised, but Michael feels selfish and dependent on everyone.

he wishes he could just control his emotions and man up.

he was tired of being so weak.

Michael's thoughts we're interrupted by a hesitant sounding Luke,  
"you look stunning like this."

Michael's heart seemed to shake in his chest, and he couldn't help but shake his head against Luke's neck,  
"you can't even see me."

Luke's movements were quick as he slid out from under Michael and flipped over the red haired boy, making him on his back.

Michael's eyes went wide, his face on the verge of a mile, still confused, as Luke put his legs on either side of Michael's.

Luke just stared down at him, smiling,  
"you look stunning like this."

Michael laughed and put his hands in front of his face, before Luke grabbed his wrists and moved away, holding them gently as he admired Michael's beauty, his face turning severely red.

without warning, Luke practically leaped forward and kissed at Michael's neck, softly biting it, causing Michael to let out am actual giggle as he proceeded to make a mark in the boys neck.

Michael freed his own hands from Luke's grasp, putting them into Luke's hair.

Michael chuckled as Luke pulled away, only to playfully lick the patch of skin, kissing it.

"fuck, I love you."

Luke seemed taken aback by Michael's words and he pulled back, and put his hand on Michael's face,  
"I love you too, and all I want is for you to believe me when I say that you do look stunning like this- not just like at this moment, but this- just how you look. I long for the time when you can believe me when I say that with all the flaws that you see, I just see a strong, gorgeous boy that I am insanely in love with." 

Michael teared up at the beauty in the words that Luke spoke. 

Michael's eyes darted downward, slightly smiling, only able to utter,  
"I love you too."

Luke lips turned up sympathetically as his eyes scanned Michael's pale complexion for what seemed like the millionth time that morning.

Michael was blushing like crazy under Luke's intense gaze.  
"just kiss me, dammit."

Luke smiled widely and moved forward and connected his chapped lips with Michael's sweet and soft ones, soaking in the way Michael just felt so cozy and sleepy.

Michael knew that he probably had horrible morning breath and that this kiss was probably considered disgusting, but the two boys loved each other so much that they didn't really think that it had a lot of importance.


	29. chapter twenty nine

a few weeks later, it was on the Thursday before winter break, and Luke and Michael were by that damn brick wall again, Luke stopping Michael, the red head leaning up against the wall.

Luke seemed unsure with his movements and then he finally talked.  
"okay, so my family has to go out of town for Christmas and it's stupid but it's a family tradition at my aunt's house. It'll be horrible because I'll miss you and I'll wanna kiss you and- fuck, I'm so upset."

Michael chuckled uneasily,  
"Luke, it's okay."

Luke groaned,  
"no it's not. I asked if you could come too, but we don't have the money."

Michael faked a smile and grabbed Luke's hands.  
"please don't feel bad. how long will you be gone?"

Luke sighed, looking to the floor.  
"two weeks. I'll be back New Year's Day." 

Michael nodded, starting to walk away, but Luke couldn't help but to just grab Michael's hands, pulling him back.

Michael's back was where it had been against the wall, and Luke looked at him weakly.

Luke strode up to him, his hands gripping Michael's hair tightly, his own eyes tearing up.  
"I'm so sorry."

Michael chuckled uneasily,  
"it's okay, this is- this is stupid. I'll be okay for a couple weeks. it'll be fine- it is fine."

Luke frowned and moved forward, kissing a hundred different places on Michael's face, devastated.  
"it's not fine. I don't- can't be without you. you worry me so much and I need to be with you."

Michael sighed to himself,   
"it'll be okay, Luke. please don't worry about me." 

Luke nodded and repeatedly kissed the boy,   
"well, no matter what, I'll be worried about you."

Michael sighed, examining Luke's words.

he knew that the only reason that Luke didn't want to leave him, was that he would be worried about him.

Michael knew that Luke wouldn't miss him, he would just be worried about how much Michael would fuck up while he was gone.

Michael's face dropped as he thought about this and he walked away.

he just started walking away from the blonde and was confused by the fact that Luke wasn't chasing after him, but he came to a dreadful realization.


	30. chapter thirty

Michael realized how much of a bad person he was.

he was pushing Luke away.

he was ruining everything. 

Luke had been trying to talk to him but he was ignoring him and walking away.

it makes sense why he hates himself. he should hate himself. 

he's worthless.

he can't even love Luke correctly. he's doing it all wrong...

Luke shouldn't have to beg for Michael's disgusting, broken and abused love, Michael should be the one begging.

Michael shouldn't be letting himself be so damn weak. Michael knows that he should run back to Luke and explain all of this, but he just keeps fucking walking.

Michael's legs become sore and his throat is dry but he keeps walking. his eyes burn from the threatening tears and his lips tremble from the cold, but he doesn't turn around to search for Luke's warmth.

Michael realizes why Luke isn't chasing after him.

he knows that Luke is finally beginning to come to his senses and leave the worthless piece of shit that Michael is.

Luke's finally starting to realize that even if he loves Michael, he shouldn't.

this somehow relieved Michael, but it seemed to make his heart shatter.

Michael was being selfish.

Michael had always prepared himself for the future, assuring himself that Luke would leave him, but there was always this piece of him, down in his heart maybe, that craved for the possibility that Luke would stay.

Michael knew from the moment that Luke opened the car door for him the first time, that it would lead to heartbreak...

so I guess Michael should have sensed this... this pure shattering in his heart, this coldness that he feels throughout his body that could never be caused by the weather.

it could be described as a numbness, the tears that form deep in Michael's green eyes, but never get the nerves to fall.

it's like his whole world is a blinding pitch black. this feeling gives you chills, pain, and an endless stream of questions flowing through your distorted brain.

Michael is confused and overwhelmed, and he knows that he's overreacting but this blinding pain and depression is taking over his mind and body and he doesn't know what to do, so he stops walking. he sits down and leans against a tall bush, the thorns poking through his shirt, sending sharp pains through his back, but he sits there, hearing a deafening sound of screaming, maybe it's his own, maybe it's all in his head, he isn't sure.the moon reflects off of the street, reminding him of the boy that drives him insane.

Michael puts his knees up to his chest, his arms wrapping around his legs as he rocks back and forth, his mind scrabbled and torn.

he doesn't know when he starts, but he can feel himself being hit in the head, so he must be doing it, trying to get rid of this pain.

this can't be about Luke.

this is about Michael.

Michael ruined everything for himself.

it isn't Luke that's leaving Michael, it's just Michael running away from any chance of happiness.

Michael is terrified.

this isn't just sadness, this is an overwhelming amount of horror continuously spreading throughout his veins.

Michael still hears the screams, but the numbness can't allow him to feel if it's him making them or not.

Michael's heart clenches and twists in his chest as he bites down on his lip until the taste of blood fills his mouth.

in a matter of seconds, his fists are pounding onto the sidewalk, his skin seeming to split open, feeling warmth seep onto his hands as the screaming continued, bouncing around in his head.

this wasn't just a bad day, this was an emotional breakdown.

Michael was shaking, feeling his fits pound into his legs, feeling nothing.

Michael can't feel the pain at this point. he's craving it, searching for it, but it's nowhere to be found.

he's digging his nails into his wrists, fighting off a force that is pulling on him, trying to get him up. 

he feels himself rise but for some reason, he continues fighting, holding his head in his hands.

soon, everything goes black, fading back to color, back to black once again for good.


	31. chapter thirty one

when Michael woke up, he was beyond confused.

he was laying on what felt like a soft bed, but he was in excruciating pain, his head pounding, so he didn't dare to open his eyes. his hands felt somewhat numb and somehow torn. it felt as if his legs were screaming out at him all over, a burning sensation taking over his body as he lay awake.

he groaned at the pain, tears slipping from his eyes as he situated on the bed, full with sharp stabs running through his back.

soon, he heard footsteps and hands were on his arm,  
"uh- Michael, are you okay dude?" 

Calum.

Michael immediately felt embarrassed,  
"where am I?"

"my house. it's Calum by the way- your eyes are closed."

"my head hurts."

Calum nodded, realizing he wasn't looking,  
"okay um- I'm gonna get you some aspirin."

Michael nodded and waited, before Calum came back and he slowly opened his eyes, the blinding light overcoming the darkness that was held behind his eyes, making them shut them tight before repeating this process several times, until he just forced them to remain open. 

Calum gave him the pills and Michael sat up, Calum sitting next to him on what must have been Calum's bed.

"so, what happened?"

Michael sighed, looking away.  
"I don't know."

Calum groaned,  
"come on."

Michael rolled his eyes, his shoulders drooping.  
"okay, well I guess I had a breakdown."

Calum nodded,  
"why is that?"

"well Luke told me how he's leaving for winter break, which was fine, but like- he was only worried that I'd like mess up myself while he was gone and I guess I just freaked out."

Calum nodded and spoke up hesitantly,  
"did he chase after you?"

Michael shook his head.

Calum spoke again,  
"well, do you want me to call him?"

Michael's eyes became full of worry as he spoke,  
"no! he's better without me." 

Calum scoffed,  
"what? this is the happiest I've seen him in years!"

Michael sighed,  
"he's acting."

"no, he's not! he doesn't stutter anymore or anything."

Michael looked away,  
"well- still."

Calum took a deep breath and walked out of the room, leaving Michael worried that he'd call Luke.

Luke was beautiful; he treated Michael like he was royalty. he kissed the parts of Michael that were so disgusting, so foul that the red head was ashamed of, but Luke made him feel like they weren't disgusting, they were just a part of him.

Michael knew that this was all his fault because he ran away, and if he were Luke, he wouldn't have chased after him either.

he knows that he needs to apologize to Luke, and he has to do it himself, he can't let Calum explain anything, because Luke deserves more then that.

Michael needs Luke to understand how much he loves and trusts him.


	32. chapter thirty two

•••

Michael threw Calum's forest green blanket off of his sore limbs, swinging his legs off the side and standing up.  
"I gotta go, Cal."

Calum jogged in from the hallway,  
"where?"

Michael sighed,  
"Luke's."

Calum frowned,  
"you're still hurt. you need to stay and-"

"no! he's leaving in like two days."  
Michael pinched the bridge of his nose, trying not to think about it. 

Calum took a deep breath,  
"want a ride over there?"

Michael shook his head.  
"no- this gives me time to think of what I'm gonna say to him."

Calum nodded,  
"you sure?"

Michael nodded hesitantly.

Calum sighed and walked forward, giving Michael an awkward but somehow comforting hug.  
"good luck, mate."

Michael nodded and tried to find the energy to smile, but it just came out as a hesitant frown.  
"where's your bathroom?"

"turn left in the hallway and it's the first door on the right."

Michael hurried out of the small room, and followed the path directed by Calum, entering a well lit bathroom, and looked at himself.

wow.

his hair was somehow matted, his face with small bruises scattered. he looked at his hands, the skin torn and covered in dry blood, looking like someone had just tried to pull apart his body.

Michael took off his hoodie, turning so that he could see what the sharp stinging was on his back; the pale space was filled with pokes and scratches, leaving Michael sure that he would be scarred there too.

he knew that he should look at his legs, but he could tell that the space was filled with bruises.

Michael puts the hoodie back on, pulling up the sleeves because he had forgotten about his scars.

the repulsing marks were angered; sharp almost. the skin around them seemed to be a cicatrice; the skin surrounding it making the scar look hidden, but the appearance of his arm being somewhat vulgar.

Michael washed off the fried blood on his wrists and hands then forced himself to leave.

he walked down the stairs swiftly, making his way out of the warm house and into the comforting cold, feeling insensate. Michael blinked slowly, the cold trapping itself inside of Michael's green eyes.

Michael wished he didn't have to do this. 

he blames himself.  
if he would have been as sagacious as Luke is, he wouldn't have isolated himself from the only person that he truly cherished in his heart.

Michael's legs are numb when he reaches the house, and he realized that he hadn't fully adjudicated what to say to the blonde.

Michael notices that Liz's car isn't in the driveway and as long as Luke isn't with her, that is best.

Michael trembles as he knocks softly on the door, his hands yelping out at him with pain.

Michael is about to walk away when the door is opened.


	33. chapter thirty three

as the door swung open, Michael was met with a weak Luke with puffy eyes; a sort of pallor to his complexion.

Michael sighed and felt completely blank, unable to form sentences.

the only thing he could do was leap forward and hug Luke, hearing sniffles and he could sense that Luke must be crying. that thought alone, caused guilty tears to accumulate in his eyes, trickling down his face as he held on tight to Luke, who's arms were loosely placed around his back, and Michael wasn't going to complain about the fact that his back was littered with cuts.

when Michael pulled away, he looked Luke in the eyes, trying to see his expression, the dark making it rough,  
"can we talk?"

Luke nodded slowly and turned around, motioning for Michael to follow him as he walked upstairs to his room. 

when they walked into the well lit room and Luke turned around as he sat on the bed, he gasped, jumping back up and walking up to Michael,  
"what happened?"

Michael looked away,  
"I don't know."

Luke sighed,  
"did your mom do this?"

Michael's eyed widened,  
"of course not! I was upset and I- I guess I couldn't feel anything and I kinda tore myself up."

Luke's eyed softened,  
"my baby," Luke got closer, his hand on Michael's cheek. "I'm sorry I didn't chase after you I just- I was so stressed out because I had been trying so hard to help and I felt like you didn't care."

Michael frowned,  
"I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to make you mad at me. you didn't have to chase after me. I do care- more than anything I love you I just- okay- where did you go, though?"

Luke became nervous,  
"well I kinda went all weird and I just sat on the sidewalk until my mom went looking for me and I guess I had been crying a lot."

Michael reached up,  
"I'm so sorry, Luke! I'm gonna work on it and it'll be better. I'm so selfish- fuck, I'm sorry! I'm always so dramatic and sad and it's just so tiring."

Luke looked puzzled,  
"babe, what are you trying to work on?"

Michael looked at him as if it were blatantly obvious,  
"I want to be better for you."

Luke chuckled,  
"you don't need to change."

Michael sighed, chuckling,  
"Luke don't lie to me. it's okay, we don't have to talk about it, but- just know that I'm working on it, okay?"

Luke sighed,  
"I don't agree with you at all but I'm gonna pretend to agree with you so that I can just kiss you."

Michael rolled his eyes and brought their lips together, Luke bringing his hand up to Michael's back, who hissed.

Michael pulled away chuckling and Luke looked terrified,  
"did I do something wrong?"

Michael laughed,  
"I was leaning against a bush earlier, and it kinda tore my back up."

Luke's eyes became sympathetic,  
"shit, I'm sorry."

Michael laughed,  
"we're both such a mess, I don't know how this works."

Luke playfully hit him, chuckling, and kissing him once again.

•••

hours later, when they were laying together on Luke's soft bed, holding hands and sharing a comfortable silence, Michael spoke up,  
"I really am sorry."

Luke turned so that they were closer,  
"about what?"

Michael sighed,  
"everything I put you through."

Luke took a deep breath and just held Michael, because he didn't know how he would ever be able to explain his feelings for the boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this sucks. I'm so sorry ily guys
> 
> -jasmine


	34. chapter thirty four

the next day, Michael woke up alone in Luke's bed. 

he heard yelling downstairs.

he sat up quickly and just tried his best to listen.

"mom, listen!"

he heard protests and then Luke spoke again,  
"look, I can't leave him!"

"honey, we didn't go last year, your grandmother is very old, and we need to visit, okay?"

"I know but like- mom I'm scared."

"of what, Luke?"

Luke took a while to answer, but all that Michael could hear was muttering.

it took about ten minutes before he heard footsteps up the stairs and he quickly darted under the covers and pretended to be sleeping.

he heard Luke approach the bed, and then soon he felt the warmth that the blanket provided, leave for a moment; replaced by a warm figure curling around the boy, his arm draping over Michael's torso.

Luke's breath got close to Michael's ear,  
"I love you, baby- so much."

Michael's heart clenched at the sound, leaning into the touch, feeling overwhelmed and loved. 

Michael hummed and turned over, scooting impossibly closer to Luke.

Michael's hands clenched around Luke's hoodie, whispering,  
"I love you too."

Luke's heart sped up like it always did at those words, but this time Michael felt it.   
"I don't wanna leave you, kitten."

Michael practically giggled against his chest.  
"kitten?"

Luke chuckled,  
"yeah, look- I love you and I-"

"Luke, I love you more than anything, but shut up."

"what do you mean shut up?"

"you're going."

"I'm gonna go talk to my mom again, I-"

"no. you're going. you need to go."

"no I don't it's fine-"

"I want you to go. it'll be good for you."

"why would it be good for me?"  
oh, crap. Michael didn't want to answer that question. 

"uh- a change of scenery is always good. oh- and your family probably misses you like crazy."

Luke tightened his grip on Michael,  
"you sure?"

Michael nodded, trying to keep himself together.


	35. chapter thirty five

Michael knows that it's good for Luke to leave.

he knows that, if not on the service, then way deep down inside him, he is tired of Michael. 

Michael knows that Luke is so sweet and caring that he'd never tell him if he was annoyed, but Michael knew for a fact that he was annoying.

Michael is a burden and no matter what he does, he will never be able to change that.

that's probably why his dad wasn't sad about leaving him; he was a burden.

that whole Saturday morning was like this.

Michael would think about anything and everything, and Luke would just breathe deeply as he held onto Michael tightly.

later on, Luke looked at his phone and checked the time,  
2:27pm.

Luke spoke up,  
"let's go somewhere."

Michael sighed,  
"babe, I just wanna mourn the fact that we'll be separate all winter break okay?"

Luke sat up and grabbed Michael's hand.  
"this- what we're doing right now, is exactly what it will be like when I'm gone-"

Michael scoffed,  
"no it won't."

"okay, well- overall. just- let's just go somewhere and do something together."

Michael's mind started to become scrambled at everything they could be doing, until Luke's words interrupted him,  
"please?"

Michael breathed out,  
"what do you wanna to, Luke?"

Luke smiled and kissed Michael on the cheek and thought for a moment,  
"let's go out to lunch and then just- just see where my truck takes us."

Michael laughed,  
"you're so dumb."

Luke smiled,  
"I know, but you love me."

Michael chuckled, muttering,  
"that's true."


	36. chapter twenty six

the boys managed to quickly change into clean and comfy clothes, before stumbling out into the cold air, running and laughing at Luke tripping on the pathway as they got into Luke's truck.

Michael had complained about the wind and the weather, and Luke had shushed him with kisses as the car heated.

they started driving, flipping a coin to decide to go left or right. it sounds stupid, but it didn't matter what it sounded like.

they somehow managed to wind up in an old ice cream shop. 

the walls had been lavender and the booths had been white and blue, the mood of the place reminding the boys of a simpler time. 

it reminded Luke of his eighth birthday party, which had looked similar to this, and he remembers how bright the world felt that day.

it reminded Michael of the- supposedly- happy tines with Ashton.

the fact that it reminded him of it was sad, of course, but the memories themselves weren't sad.   
the memories just brought his state of mind to nostalgic. 

the store reminded him of all of these things from his childhood and made him wish about what he had wanted to happen in his childhood.

what was interesting though, was that nothing was and never will be just like this.

nothing can live up to the look in Luke's blue eyes when Michael had blurted out randomly that he loved him as they were deciding what fucking ice cream flavor to get. 

nothing can be as nice as it was when Luke had insisted that they have a little bit of each flavor, even if the flavor wasn't appealing, because he didn't want to miss out on anything. 

nothing will be able to justify this memory, because of all these things that are creating the memory;  
the sweet whispers, kisses and gentle touches when they're judged by other customers, the way that Luke had looked so exquisite when his head went back in laugher at a ridiculous joke that Michael had whispered under his breath. 

the memory that will be triggered later on by something as ridiculous as the smell of chocolate ice cream, will not explain the cold breeze breaking through the air when a new customer walks in, and the way that it brings the musky smell of the city in with it;  
the way the young children smile at Michael and Luke, because society hasn't managed to corrupt their minds into believing that their relationship is wrong.  
also, it won't be able to bring back the way that Luke gets up in the middle of a conversation to sit on the same bench of the booth, similar to the way that they did that day when David was there. Luke had wrapped his arm around Michael and kissed him on the cheek.   
Michael was so sad that he would miss these moments for two weeks. it seems ridiculous, but they are so used to being with each other every single day, that this will seem like an eternity.


	37. chapter thirty seven

later that evening, they wound up driving around a part of town that Michael knew. 

it was full of the people that you would see and lock your car doors, and the buildings that were covered in dirt and things that couldn't be determined. 

"turn left here."  
Luke noticed that Michael wasn't even flipping a coin or anything.

he turned left and continued driving in the path that Michael gave him.

Michael proceeded to tell him where to turn, and eventually he told Luke to park. 

Luke pulled over on the side of an old, dirt road and looked over at Michael,   
"what are we doing here?"

Michael chuckled,  
"get out of the car and I'll show you."

Luke laughed and got out of the truck, walking in front of the truck and taking a few steps back, looking at the scenery ahead of him.

there was an extremely tall, cracked brick wall. it was covered in plants and weeds, making the whole view look old and eerie. 

Michael got out and walked forward, smiling.

Luke watched Michael's movements as he walked forward and ran his hand along the dirty brick wall, until he stopped.

Michael grabbed a handful of plants, pulling them off of the wall, throwing them on the ground, revealing an old gate.

Luke's eyebrows furrowed and stared in anticipation as Michael cleared off the rest of the gate, and waving Luke over.

"help me pull the door open."

Luke walked forward and grabbed the gate, his hands gripping the rusted handle, pulling on it with Michael, getting the gate open, and pulling it open.

when the gate swung out, Michael eagerly grabbed Luke's hand and walked through, and then closing the door behind them.

Luke looked at the house that they were approaching.  
it was black and brown and it was full of dust, but it was quite beautiful.   
it was obviously huge and had been made a long time ago, and it sent chills up Luke's spine. 

"Mikey baby, who's house is this?"

Michael chuckled, pulling Luke as he approached the door,   
"it's abandoned. I used to come here when I was younger and just hang out here- I don't know- I just love it. I actually cleaned up the inside of it.  
I guess I just forgot where it was."

Luke smiled at him and opened the door hesitantly, watching as Michael walked inside.

The whole room was worn down and dusty, but it held so much beauty that it was captivating.

Luke walked into the middle of the room and was looking around, his eyes falling on Michael. 

"so what do you wanna do?"  
Luke was smiling, but waiting for Michael's response.

"uh- I don't know."

Luke stared at the way the sunlight shone in through the window, making Michael's skin glow beautifully, his eyes piercing green, making Luke draw his lip in between his teeth.

Michael looked down, nervous under Luke's gaze, driven crazy by Luke's presence. 

"would it be weird if I just ran up to you and kissed you right now?" Luke's words were quiet, but they were heard and Michael laughed.

"probably. well- but what about this old house isn't weird?"

Luke chuckled and did what he said that he was going to do.

Luke had ran up to him, crashing their lips together.

Luke's lips were moving with Michael's in the way that they did very often, but it was very sad this time, because they know that they wouldn't be able to kiss for a while after this day, and that seemed pretty tragic.

The kiss deepened, their tonsured exploring each other's mouths, Michael's heartbeat speeding up dramatically.

Luke walked them forward until Michael's back was against the wall and Michael whimpered, grabbing onto Luke's flannel, pulling them even closer.

Luke's hands lowered until they were at Michael's hips and Michael pushed his hips forward, causing Luke to groan and desperately grab Michael's ass.

Michael whined and bit on Luke's lip, dragging his tongue along the shape of Luke's cold lip ring.

various words were moaned as hands roamed and both of the boys were panting.

"Mikey- shit. we should stop."

Michael whined against his lips,  
"I know, but fuck."

Michael's hands moved up to grip Luke's hair, pulling him closer.

Luke whined against his lips and pulled away, holding Michael's hand.

Michael sighed and bit his lip, as they proceeded to explore the old house.

•••

they left the old house and drove around the city, stopping got cheeseburgers at two in the morning, and they got pancakes at five.

Michael couldn't stop kissing the blonde boy, and Luke didn't mind.

when they were at breakfast, Luke's arms wrapped securely around Michael as they ate.

"I'm gonna miss you so much, Luke."

Luke sighed against Michael's hair, kissing the top of his head.  
"don't remind me baby, I love you so much."

Michael hummed and rested his head against Luke's chest.  
"this sucks."

Luke nodded and they finished their breakfast in silence.

•••

later on, they wound up in Luke's bed, cuddling until it got to be ten in the morning.

Michael moved on top of Luke and kissed him, pulling back only so that their lips were brushing.   
"when did your mom say that you had to go?"

Luke sighed,  
"well our flight leaves at six and my mom wants to get to the airport at four. I should be ready by three so that we can get to the airport on time."

"okay."

Michael was trying to make it easy for Luke to leave him, but it was close to impossible for Michael to not sob against Luke's chest.

"are you all packed?"

Luke shook his head.  
"I just need to gather up some more clothes to wear."

Michael nodded and pressed his lips against Luke's, closing his eyes even when they pulled apart.

a few tears slipped onto Michael's cheeks and Luke quickly enveloped Michael in his arms and flipped them over.

Michael felt safe as he cried, the heavy weight of Luke's chest pressing against his own.

Luke whispered "I love you," the amount of times that it could be considered crazy go others, but Luke was determined to soothe the boy, and that's all that he could manage out of his mouth as his own tears started to pour.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> STAY STRONG ILY


	38. chapter thirty eight

when Luke was completely packed and the clock ticked to two o'clock, Michael held Luke's hand in the car and as they walked through the airport, only letting go when Luke had to walk through security.

Michael and him only talked when they sat down as they waited for Liz and Luke's flight number to be called.

"baby. when I'm gone you can watch movies and talk to me on the phone. we can even FaceTime."   
one of Luke's hand's fingers were tangled up in Michael's hair, while the others were intertwined with Michael's.

Michael hummed,  
"I know. look Luke, you- you don't have to spend your time left- like cheering me up, okay? It's fine. I'm fine."

Luke sighed above him as the intercom blared around them.

Michael's heart almost stopped until he realized that they didn't say Luke's flight number.

Liz came back and sat down next to Luke, after going to the bathroom.

Liz pulled out a magazine, tuning out the boys' conversation.

Luke spoke up again quietly,  
"Mikey."

"yeah, babe?"

Luke bit his lip.   
"I don't want to make this sound all stupid and sappy and shit, but I'll truly miss you more than anything, and this sucks. I love you."

Michael chuckled,  
"that was stupid. but I love you too."

the blonde chuckled and kissed Michael softly, humming against his lips.

they pulled away right as Luke's flight number was called, and Michael froze for a moment.   
it hit him that he would have to get through without Luke and that was terrifying.  
how was he going to handle this?  
how could this ever end up working?

Luke stood up and dragged Michael to stand with him, snapping him back to reality.

they kissed and they hugged and their hearts started beating faster but less officiant. 

Michael's hands clutched onto Luke as he waited for Liz to make them separate.

soon, Michael pulled away, and as Luke started walking away from him, all that he could manage to say was,  
"I love you."

Luke turned around and ran back and attacked him in a hug, kissing him quickly before catching up with his mom again, staring down at his shoes as he approached the plane that would take him to the place that is causing Luke to have to leave Michael.


	39. chapter thirty nine

when Michael got home, he didn't really know what to do. 

he just walked into the kitchen and got some water and went into his room, laying on the bed and staring up at the ceiling.

Michael couldn't focus on anything. all that he knew was that he really wished that Luke wasn't leaving for his trip.

•••

when Luke was on the plane, he couldn't do anything but state out the window.

his eyes scanned across the microscopic houses and trees, the whole world seeming strange.

Luke thought about all of the people below them, and wondered how many of them were as in love with someone as he was with Michael.

he wanted to know who else got the opportunity to love someone that made them feel incredible and strong and just so important. 

Liz patted Luke's knee comfortingly, knowing that he was missing his boyfriend, but Luke didn't respond. 

Luke just sighed to himself and thought of those gorgeous deep, green eyes that were so sad, yet so lovely.

•••

it's not that Michael felt that horrible, it's just that he felt incomplete.

he felt as if he was just waiting for a clumsy Luke to stumble into his room and cuddle him until he fell asleep, and when it never happened, he just felt out of control.

•••

Luke texted Michael a few times after he landed, only getting brief answers back and Luke was really concerned, but his family insisted on Luke being social with them, so he was forced to get away from his phone; when all he wanted was to be able to call his boyfriend and check up on him.

•••

this went on for days, but as Michael thinks about everything that he used to do everyday with Luke, it gets extremely difficult to keep it together. 

Luke is so warm and caring and just so Luke, that it's just unbearable to be separate from him. 

•••

Luke would never admit it, but whenever something would remind him of Michael, he would have to focus extremely hard not to tear up.

•••

after a week...

Michael can feel it.

all along it has been Luke holding him together and replacing the cracks and missing parts of his heart with soft yet frantic kisses and whispers of 'I love you,' in his ear, making him feel all fluttery and overwhelmed.

but with him gone, Michael is unstable.

he knows how ridiculous and cheesy it sounds, but Luke is the glue that holds his broken pieces in their little messed up places.

with Luke gone, it's almost like his pieces are just trying their best to just float there, searching for the glue, knowing that if they can't find it for a long time, the pieces will fall and Michael will shatter again, to the point where he feels as if he doesn't have any stability left in his life.

Michael and Luke have become one. Michael depends on Luke to make him feel less alone, and Luke is dependent of Michael in the way that whenever Michael smiles, it reminds Luke of what true kindness is, and with every look, every touch, Michael has caused him to learn so much about society and beauty and how to treat people.

Luke has learned so much about the small boy, and Michael has no idea how big of an impact he has on Luke, because Luke never tries to make things about himself. he's so selfless that it's unbelievable, and now that Michael is separate from him, he can't imagine how Luke feels without him.

he has this feeling that Luke might enjoy a break. Michael knows how annoying and demanding he is as a boyfriend and he feels horrible, but re can't seem to control that, and Luke never shows any residence in helping him.

Michael is in his room once again, staring at the wall and trying to ignore how his hands shake from a lack of food, and his bones ache from a lack of movement.

Michael knows that he's not being healthy, he knows that. but he's so sad and he feels lost.

Michael was dosing off when he heard his ringtone.

Luke was facetiming him.

Michael was really excited, but he didn't want Luke to ask him about how he's doing, because Luke was always able to read through Michael, but he knew that he needed to try to reassure Luke that he was okay.

Michael hit the answer button and held his phone and soon Luke appeared on the screen, smiling.

they had done this a few times, usually in the middle of the night because that was when Luke wasn't busy, but they would always fall asleep while talking.

"hey, baby." Luke's voice was low and sweet and even over the phone, it was able to make Michael blush.

"hi. how are you?" Michael bit his lip and stared at Luke as he spoke.

"I'm good. everyone is still showering me in hugs and telling me how sad they'll be when I leave, which is ridiculous because I'll still be here for another week or so." Luke laughed breathlessly and Michael couldn't help but smile at that and wow it had been a few days since he had smiled.

"I'm glad it's going okay, though. I miss you a lot." a lot was an understatement, but he decided to leave it at that.

Luke scoffed,  
"babe I miss you so much, it's insane. you're in like all of my dreams. it's kind of pathetic."

Michael laughed and then smirked dramatically.

"okay I know that the dreams sound strange, but only a couple were dirty."

Michael blushed fiercely and covered his face with his hand as smiled.

"Michael I wanna see your face. don't you dare cover it up."

Michael reluctantly dropped his hand and waited for Luke to continue.

"anyway, I miss you so much. I can barely sleep and when I do I dream about you, and I am such a mess. I love you so much and I can't wait to see you again."

Michael smiled and answered,  
"me either. I miss you so much."

Luke stared at the screen for a while.  
"are you doing okay?"

Michael nodded, smiling.

Luke's eyes narrowed,  
"Michael I'm sorry. just another week and then I'll be back."

Michael smiled,  
"don't worry about me, baby. I want you to have fun."

Luke nodded,  
"I love you, Mikey."

Michael blushed and nodded,  
"I love you too, so much."

Luke sighed, staring at the screen for a few minutes.  
"fuck- I want to kiss you so badly right now."

Michael hummed and thought about how Luke's lips felt and he was so frustrated that they were so far away.

they stayed on the phone and Michael still managed feel warmer, just with the sound of Luke's voice and the image of his smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> who's your fave 5SOS member? I'm a muke girl obviously haha.
> 
> -jasmine :)


	40. chapter forty

when Michael forced himself to get out of the cold surface of his bed, he didn't really comprehend why he was moving.

he got in the shower and stayed under the thick stream until the water chilled his bones.

lonely. 

Michael was lonely.

•••

he didn't really know why he did it, but he drove to the store.

his eyes burned and he got various looks that indicated that he probably looked worse than he felt.

his eyes scanned across the aisles, hair bleach and blue hair dye ending up in his cart. 

he walked into the line and the sounds flooded his ears as he made his way out to his car after what seemed like forever.

Michael's bones seemed to crack with every step, his hands shaky and his mind racing as he drove home.

•••

he re-entered his house, the strong stench of alcohol seeping into his nostrils.

he sighed, making his way upstairs and into the bathroom.

•••

about an hour later, Michael's hair was blue and he still didn't feel any better.

Michael texted Luke,  
btw my hair is blue.

he got a text back seconds later and he laughed loudly for the first time since he had talked to Luke last.

REALLY?

yes, Luke.

wtf send me a picture!

Michael sighed because he didn't want to look horrible in the picture, so he ended up just taking a picture of his hair in the mirror, showing the least amount of his face as possible.

he sent the picture saying,  
here. believe me now?

you look so cute. I love it so much.

Michael blushed and answered,  
glad you like it. :)

•••

after a while, Michael locked his phone and attempted to sleep, but only managing to lay awake. he had to constantly remind himself to blink as his eyes went dry, knowing that he just needed to be held.

•••

now this whole situation may sound quite pathetic, but you have to realize something...  
Michael isn't feeling like this way all of a sudden just because Luke is gone. well he is, but it isn't that he's having a temper tantrum, it's just that this was how it was before Luke.

that night before Michael ended up in detention was similar to this one. of course it involved cutting and he never went out of the house, but it was fairly similar.   
he had laid in bed, waiting for sleep to overcome him so that the recurring nightmares of finding Ashton, would at least distract him from repeating Ashton's way of escaping.   
but tonight it felt as if the nightmare would never come, and his hands were shaky again and he was hungry, but he didn't move because he knew that if he cried a little harder, he would be able to sleep.


	41. chapter forty one

when Luke woke up, the smell of bacon and eggs filled his nostrils as he swung his legs off the side of the bed, his hand wiping the sleepiness off of his face.

he trudged down the steps of his aunt's house, making his way into the kitchen where he was greeted by many, his mom speaking next,  
"how was your sleep, Luke?"

Luke shrugged and smiled, sitting down at the table where they fixed a plate for him.

Luke started eating and then his mother went into the kitchen,  
"Luke can you help me get juice?"

Luke stood up and jogged over to her and she was whispering as she spoke,  
"okay so I know that you haven't come out to them yet, and I haven't told them anything and they asked if you had a girlfriend and I said no but I don't think grandma believed me- you know how she is. so anyway, if you want to tell them it's your business and you have my permission but I just wanted you to know that she'll probably talk to you because your aunt and I are going out today and you'll be here with her."

Luke took a deep breath and before he answered, Liz was walking towards the fridge to pull out the orange juice.

•••

Luke didn't know what he wanted to do. he always assumed that Liz had just told them behind his back and they as been fine with it. Luke didn't expect his mom to keep it a secret, because he didn't really care. he knew that they were religious, but he also knew that his family- as a rule- wasn't judgmental, so he didn't know what to think.

his aunt walked up and kissed him on the cheek and told him that her and his mom were heading out for the day, and Luke smiled and nodded as she walked out the door. Liz followed moments later and whispered,  
"do whatever feels right. you don't have to tell the truth this time."

Luke nodded and gulped as his grandma walked in.  
"okay, Luke. I know that you're sixteen now and you probably don't wanna have to hang out with your grandma like you used to, but- I'm going to make you because you don't visit me enough."

Luke laughed and stood up and gave the women a hug,  
"I always want to hang out with you, don't be ridiculous."

"oh, whatever. let's sit and talk for a while."

Luke took a deep breath and they sat down on the couch.

"so, how's school?"

Luke shrugged,  
"it's fine."

she chuckled and slapped his knee,  
"that's such a boring answer. I haven't seen you in two years and all you can say is that school is fine?"

Luke laughed,  
"okay. school is good. I hang out with my friends a lot and my science class is annoying because the teacher is mean, but my English teacher is cool. I don't know. my grades are good and I guess that the situation could be worse. "

she smiled up at him- due to his height- and spoke,  
"that's a much better answer. I'm glad that you have friends and everything and that you're keeping your grades up. I'm proud of you."

Luke smiled and blushed, worried that she would ask about any relationships.

"so is English your favorite class then?"

Luke shrugged,  
"well I guess. I like gym too of course, and math isn't fun at all so if I had to pick I would pick English over history and all that."

she smiled fondly and nodded.  
"so... do you have a girlfriend?"

Luke chuckled and looked down,  
"no."

"aw, honey. are you lying to me? you can tell me anything! do you have a girlfriend."

Luke smiled,  
"well I mean- not exactly."

she furrowed her eyebrows,  
"what do you mean, not exactly? are you one of those people that just like- sleeps with girls? that's not good because you can-"

"nononono. I'm not like that, Grandma."

she laughed,  
"see- I didn't think so. but what do you mean that you don't exactly have a girlfriend? you're such a handsome boy."

Luke laughed, giving up.  
"thank you."

"just explain it to me, Luke. I'm old, I can't comprehend what you're saying unless you just say it plain."

"well- I have a boyfriend."

her smile faltered for a moment and she furrowed her eyebrows,  
"oh."

Luke scooting closer to her and smiled,  
"I'm not gay, I like boys and girls and I have a boyfriend and we've been dating for almost five months. I love him- I really do."

a smile spread across her face.  
"really?"

Luke nodded,  
"are you mad at me? I only didn't tell you about my sexuality because I didn't want you to be disappointed in me."

she shook her head as she smiled,  
"I could never be disappointed in you- especially over something so silly. you're my grandson and I love you no matter what. I'm shocked- don't get me wrong, but I'm still proud of you, and I'm glad that you told me before I died."

Luke sighed,  
"don't talk about that."

"I'm old, Luke."

Luke laughed and she continued,  
"what's his name?"

Luke smiled as he spoke, his eyes lighting up.  
"his name's Michael."

she smiled,  
"how did you meet him?"

"this is such a stupid story."

"tell me!" she slapped his leg and he laughed,

"okay, well I had a crush on him ever since freshman year and one day I heard that he had detention. this sounds stupid, but anyway, I got in trouble on purpose so that I could be in detention with him."

"you are such a mess."

"I know. so anyway, we talked in there and I gave him a ride home and then we kept talking."

"that's very sweet. tell me about him. I want to know everything about this boy." she smiled at him as he spoke and Luke felt nervous inside as he spoke about the boy.

"Michael is so strong. he has a really bad home life because his mom drinks and his dad is in prison, but he's so nice. I had a crush on him because he dyed his color all of these colors that people would make fun of him for, but he did it anyway. I saw like- scars all over his wrists sometimes and he's really sad, but he's letting me try to help him."

"so this boy cuts himself? that's just awful!" she had sorrow in her eyes as she spoke.

"yeah. I love him so much and I know that he can't help it. he's really sad and I'm starting to learn more and more about him and I know that I can help him. he always thinks that I'm going to break up with him because like- he thinks that he's not good enough for me, but he's completely out of my league and I'm glad that he'll even talk to me. anyway, he has beautiful green eyes and he hates the color of them but they are so pretty, and he's really pale but it looks cute on him. he's a lot shorter then me and he's really skinny and he doesn't think so, but he's so cute." Luke blushed as he thought about him and when he looked up from his fidgeting fingers, his Grandmother was smiling wide.

"you really love him, don't you?"

Luke bit his lip and nodded,  
"yeah."

"do you have any pictures of him?"

Luke nodded and got his phone out of the pocket of his sweatpants and found the picture of Michael that he had sent him,  
"you can't see his face because you never can in his pictures but that's how he dyed his hair yesterday."

"that's a pretty color."

Luke smiled,  
"it's stupid but Michael told me that he dyed it because it looked like my eyes."

she smiled,  
"that's very sweet."

Luke thought for a moment,  
"I actually have another picture of him where you can see his face. we were cuddling and when I came back from going to the bathroom, he was sleeping and he looked really cute and it sounds super creepy but I took a picture of him."

she rolled her eyes,  
"just show me the picture. it's not creepy."

Luke scrolled through his pictures of Michael and found it, showing it to her.

in the picture, Michael was obviously laying down and he had a small smile on his face. Luke loved the picture because Michael looked so peaceful like that. the sunlight peeked in from the windows in just the right way and you could see the bright tint of Michael's red hair, the way his eyelashes lay on his cheeks, and the way his pale skin made his pink lips look even more addictive.

"he's very cute. I bet you two are adorable together."

Luke chuckled and looked down.  
"thank you. I hope so." he laughed,  
"and thank you for not being mad about it."

she smiled and waved him off,  
"I could never be mad at you."

Luke smiled and moved forward to wrap her into a hug.


	42. chapter forty two

the next night was the first night that Luke had cried since he left.  
it was a sudden feeling of overwhelming emotion as he spoke to Michael on FaceTime.

"hey, Mikey."

Michael blushed as they talked,  
"hey Luke. I miss you."

Luke had nodded and thought before he spoke,  
"uh- so yesterday my mom went out of the house with my aunt and so I was with my Grandma. I told her about us."

Michael's face began filled with concern and stress, and Luke could tell that he wasn't doing well,  
"how did she um- take it?"

Luke smiled,  
"babe she took it really well."

Michael didn't look very convinced,  
"are you lying to me?"

"Michael I would never lie to you. I told her and then we talked about you for like a fucking hour or something and I just explained you and how much I love you, and she was so nice about it, and she didn't even try to lecture about the bible or anything- fuck," Luke teared up, "it just made it even more clear that we're supposed to be together. I know that I'm not the best for you and I know that you're going through a lot right now, but babe- I'm here for you. even thought we haven't known each other for that long, I know in my heart that I'm in love with you. there is no other way to explain my feelings. I love you so much and fuck I want to kiss you right now!" Luke laughed and wiped a tear off his cheek right as he caught sight of Michael sniffling.

Michael just stared at the screen for a whole before he spoke,  
" you- you are the best for me and I just am fucking confused every time that I remember that we're together. I want to kiss you so much and just- I love you."

Luke blushed as his lip was instinctively in between his teeth.

Michael talked again,  
"so how soon until you come home?" 

Luke frowned,  
"well it's Christmas Eve now and I'll be back on the first. I just-" he sighed, "I just really wanted to be here right as the new year begins."

Michael looked away for a moment,  
"yeah- I wanted that too."

Luke hummed,  
"I'm sorry- this sucks so much."

Michael shook his head,  
"don't blame yourself. it's not your fault, okay?"

Luke nodded and he started to tear up and Michael groaned, his own voice shaky,  
"don't cry because then I'm gonna start fucking crying."

Luke laughed as years fell.  
"well I'm gonna hang up because I need a little bit of dignity and sobbing in front of you isn't going to help that problem."

Michael chuckled and nodded,  
"okay, I'll text you later. I love you."

"I love you too baby."


	43. forty three

when Michael's eyes fluttered open, he realized that it was Christmas and all that he could think of was Luke.

as stupid as it sounds, he smelled Luke's sweet cologne on his bed sheets from the hours that they had cuddled in it.   
he could feel the presence of Luke's tall figure overwhelming the room, and when he held his comforter closer to his body, he could almost feel Luke's warmth surrounding him and make him feel safe.

but the sad truth is... Luke wasn't there.  
the smell of Luke's cologne would probably leave the sheets before the six days were done.  
Luke was gone and he couldn't cuddle Michael to sleep to cure the redness surrounding his eyes.

so when Michael did get out of bed, he knew that there was nothing to look forward to.

he walked downstairs despite this knowledge, and his mother was walking in through the front door.

Michael was taken aback at the sight of her because he hadn't seen her in over a week. she looked disheveled and her skin was far too pale, but she was still his mom, and no matter how much he wanted to hate her, he couldn't.  
"uh- hi mom."

"hey Michael. uh-" she got her wallet out of her pocket, "Merry Christmas."  
she grabbed two hundreds out of her wallet and waved them at Michael.

Michael laughed because it seemed like a pathetic and quite comical attempt at a gift, but he needed money, so he reluctantly accepted the invitation.  
"thank you? why are you giving me money?"

she sighed,  
"you're my son, and it's Christmas. why can't you just accept my gifts. I do so much for you and you're just acting like it's such a shock that I gave you a present."

Michael stuttered   
"I'm- I'm sorry."

"look kid, I'm sorry for not being here very often. I love you a lot, but I just wish that you appreciated what I did for you."

Michael closed his eyes as he balled his small fists,  
"I'm sorry. I love you too Mom."

Michael sighed, turning around before slowly walking upstairs.  
"don't you want to make yourself some breakfast?"

Michael didn't answer, he just closed his door and laid on his back, his bed feeling cold again.

•••

this sucked.  
Missing Luke so much sucked.

Michael knew that it was pathetic, but he couldn't help himself. he was dependent on Luke now...  
and that fucking terrified him.

what if Luke realized how idiotic it was that he was giving Michael his heart when he couldn't give all of his back because it was so broken?  
he could offer it, but it wouldn't mean anything- at least it shouldn't- because his heart is stained and shattered and so utterly polluted that it was unhealthy to try to love him.   
it just wasn't fair that Luke had to offer his time and strength for someone that was the definition of weakness. 

Michael was a bad person. 

how could he put Luke through this? it's so wrong.

what he really didn't understand was why Luke hadn't left yet...

Luke always reassured him to stay alive and that he would be there for an eternity to kiss away Michael's pain and that's beautiful, but Michael knew that he didn't deserve that.

Michael deserved to cry himself to sleep every night, and to feel cold and lonely in a world full of people.

this wasn't Michael feeling sorry for himself, these were just his observations.

Michael feels like shit.

he wants to not feel so dependent.   
the irony in that though, is that he needs someone to help him know how to feel better.

Michael can't decide if he should feel great about the fact that Luke is so willing to be there for him... or if he should feel guilty that he's putting Luke through all of that.

•••

Michael had just dosed off when he felt his phone buzz from underneath his arm.

his eyes shot open as he grabbed his phone, looking to see Luke's name on his screen and he answered it, hoping that he didn't look too awful since they were FaceTiming.   
"hey, Luke," his voice was rather groggy and he rubbed at his eyes as he awaited Luke's response.

"hey baby. did I wake you?" he had actual worry in his voice and Michael chuckled.

"it's like morning- I just dosed off babe."

Luke smiled widely,   
"well Merry Christmas."

Michael grinned,  
"Merry Christmas to you too."

Luke sighed and stared at the screen for a moment before answering,  
"I think that it's stupid just how much I miss you. every time I see anything I somehow relate it to you and I feel like I'm in one of those stupid, repetitive love stories."

Michael laughed,  
"you do sound like it. but don't feel bad about it. I miss you so badly it's insane. I feel so like- I don't know." Michael drifted off and Luke furrowed his eyebrows.

"what's wrong, baby?"

Michael plastered a small smile on his face,  
"I just miss you, okay?"

Luke scowled,  
"Michael. what's wrong."

"nothing."

"Michael?" Luke sounded fragile and Michael couldn't resist but to open up.

"Luke- I just feel so like-" Michael became quiet and his eyes flickered down instead of at the screen.  
"empty."

Michael bit his lip as his eyes were locked on his wrists, despising the itch he felt.   
he only looked up when he heard small sniffles and when his eyes met Luke's, his heart dropped.  
"baby- I didn't mean to upset you."

Luke sighed,  
"you didn't- you didn't upset me. I- I just feel so awful that I'm far away. I want to hug you and kiss you- fuck I want to kiss you and I can't and I feel like shit."

Michael smiled but he teared up,  
"I love you so much."

"I love you too."

Michael sighed,  
"I'm sorry that I make you feel like that."

Luke's face drew blank.  
"what do you mean?"

Michael blushed and Luke bit his lip with worry, seeing so much stress overcome such a small boy.  
"I'm sorry that I made you feel guilty for leaving."

"Mikey- what? you didn't make me feel like that at all! I just miss you. none of this is your fault, do you understand me?" Luke's words were harsh but his tone was soft.

Michael nodded his head, taking a deep breath before muttering to Luke how much he loved him.


	44. forty four

Michael feels as if an eternity has passed since he's seen Luke.  
it feels like no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't found the amount of tears he has cried since he left that damn airport.

it was December 29th.

two days.  
two fucking days until he would see Luke again.

Michael didn't know what he was going to do.   
he wanted to have a great, romantic plan and have everything be perfect...  
but all that Michael could think of is how he will be able to kiss him and hug him so tightly that he can feel every single beat of Luke's heart and fuck did he need that again.

Michael's hands shook and his stomach grumbled at him for not eating but he was too stressed out to eat. his clothes were baggier but he didn't care.

he just needed Luke.

•••

Michael took a deep breath before shooting a text to Calum.

hey. I'm going to the mall to buy Luke a present. wanna come?

it took about ten minutes for him to respond, but Michael expected it because of Calum's popularity.

oh hey Clifford. I'd love to. I should probably get the boy something too. can I come over in ten?

Michael smiled and typed back immediately.

sure. 

Michael got up and changed into a clean pair of black jeans, slipping on a black long sleeved shirt and vans, pulling at his hair before making his way downstairs to wait for Calum.

moments later, Calum road up on his skateboard. he was wearing a sweatshirt and jeans, a big smile spread across his face.

Michael moved away from the window and walked towards the door and opened it before Calum could even knock.  
"woah- hey."  
Calum opened his arms and Michael walked into the hug, smiling as he pulled away.

"hey- thanks for coming with me. I just- I wanted some company."

Calum nodded,  
"it's cool. sorry we haven't hung out sooner."

Michael shrugged and grabbed his flannel hanging on the coat rack, slipping it on before grabbing his wallet, phone and keys.

•••

the mall was crowded, full of happy couples and young minds.

it made Michael sick.  
his stomach clenched as he missed Luke and the happiness that the boy caused him.

Calum guided Michael into the Vans store, walking ahead of him as his eyes scanned the room.

Michael took a deep breath and tried to focus on the happy things that could happen when his beautiful boyfriend came home.

wow. he really missed him.  
he was in a store that, at the mere thought of it, would remind him of Luke.   
yet here he was, unable to focus on anything but the thought of the cerulean eyes that he would see, or the soft hair that he could run his hand through when they kiss once again...  
and when he could bring himself into reality, he couldn't see anything that would be good enough for Luke.

Michael viewed their relationship like this:  
Luke was the beautiful angel that saved Michael's life, but in the process lost himself, and Michael is slowly ruining Luke's life, but he can't bring himself to escape from it.

so since he was unable to detach himself, he had to make it up to Luke in different ways.  
he had to make sure that Luke realize how much Michael loved him.   
he needed to realize how serious he was about their relationship.

Calum strolled ahead of Luke, grabbing two boxes off the shelf, turning around and smiling at Michael before stepping into the line of people waiting to be checked out.

Michael sighed at how easy it was for Calum.   
Calum and Luke were, in their terms, equal. Of course Luke was a million times higher in status to Michael, but in general they were the same. therefore, Calum doesn't have to put forth his best efforts to improve their friendship because he knows that Luke will be thrilled with whatever he receives.  
now, Michael is aware that Luke doesn't care if Michael even gets him anything... but Michael refuses to admit to himself that he has always had the habit of being drastically paranoid.  
this causes him to be aware of the fact that he will never be good enough for Luke, and that he must keep giving all of his attention to Luke so that he won't leave.  
Michael knows that if Luke heard this, he would totally reject it, and that's because he doesn't realize how beautiful and sweet he is, so that makes him even more obligated to make a smile spread across Luke's breathtaking features each and every day.

before Michael could even take a full glance around the store, he was literally snapped out of it, and he became aware that his feet had practically been glued to the floor and he blushed for spacing out.  
"dude- it was your turn to come here and you're totally spacing out. what's wrong, man?" Calum laughed at the end of his question to lighten the mood, but Michael heard various layers of concern incasing the question.

Michael let out a nervous chuckle,  
"yeah- I know. sorry dude I just- I want to get him something cool, you know?"

Calum smiled and jokingly pinched Michael's cheek and cooed,  
"aw Mikey, how sweet."

Michael playfully swatted Calum's hand away,  
"oh, fuck off."

Calum laughed,  
"do you wanna look in here?"

Michael thought for a moment before shaking his head.

"let's go get something to drink or something- we can talk about what you want to get Luke."

Michael nodded and they waved to the security guard and walked out of the store.

the music changed and the main section of the mall was slightly cooler than the store, and their steps were quieter as a result of the echoes of other steps surrounding them. the mall seemed to become even more crowded as they made their way into the large food court.  
the strange scent of pizza and chinese food filled their nostrils at once, and they decided to grab a few sodas at the restaurant with the shortest line, getting an order of fries to share as well.

they walked over to a small table. thankfully, the area wasn't as busy around it as certain places.  
Michael took a deep breath as he sat,  
"so what'd you get? it took you like five seconds."

Calum chuckled,  
"I just got us each a pair of black vans. his are torn to shit and mine don't even look black anymore, so I though that they were good choices."

Michael nodded and took a drink, unable to eat many fries as they talked, feeling way too stressed out.

Calum spoke,  
"you okay, dude?"

Michael nodded,  
"yeah I- I just can't- I just can't decide what I want to get Luke. it can't be super christmas-based, because it's a late present, but fuck- I don't know what to get him."

Calum looked with sadness in his eyes, putting his hand on Michael's shoulder and patting comfortingly,   
"you could punch him in the face as a present, and he would probably thank you for it."

Michael laughed and wiped at his eyes, sleepiness still lingering as he spoke,  
"I know. it's just- it's just really important to me."

Calum smiled,  
"I know." he thought for a moment before he spoke, "I think you guys are so great for each other. I hope that you know how much he loves you."

Michael smiled and lowered his head, realizing that every time he thinks about Luke, he finds a way to miss him more.


	45. chapter fourty five- oxygen

after a while of procrastination, Michael wrapped the Nookie Green Day album poster in Christmas wrapping, folding up the letter that he wrote for Luke, slipping it into the blue envelope.

Michael hoped that the poster would be okay, because he knew that it was Luke's favorite Green Day album, and he was pretty sure that Luke would like his letter, but he was still extremely anxious.

Michael sighed and put the presents in his closet. 

Luke was supposed to be home the next night, and he was so excited, but he was so sad that he wouldn't be able to see him before the new year.  
when the clock changed at midnight, and it became the new year... all that Michael would be able to get is a bad-quality FaceTime call. 

Michael sat upon his bed, his foot tapping the air as his legs were outstretched.   
he huffed out a breath, stress through his mind as he thought of Luke, the present, his mother and the aching feeling left over from Ashton.

Michael absentminded scratched and scraped at his wrists, harder than he meant to, the itch driving him insane.

Michael slightly hissed out a sigh of relief and pain, realizing that he scratched way too deeply, because there was a little blood seeping out of one of the deeper cuts. Michael immediately felt guilty because he never wanted to do that as he thought about Luke. 

Michael was angered and the sun was running away and the moon was taking it's place.   
Michael stomped across to his bathroom, getting into the shower. he looked down and rubbed his thumbs over his hipbones, realizing that they peaked out farther than usual. Michael frowned and realized that he hasn't properly eaten in a few days, and Luke would probably scold Michael for it, so he made a mental note to eat. 

Michael stepped out of the warm water, wrapping a towel around himself and drying off. when he slipped on his comfiest pair of black sweatpants, and sitting on his bed, he looked down at his arms. he sighed and traced the angry, yet fading marks, the feeling making his thoughts drift back to that day when Luke wanted to see. he remembers Luke tracing his scars, kissing them and reassuring Michael that he was beautiful.   
Michael had remembered how embarrassed and self conscious he felt that day, but now it makes a small smile spread on his face because Luke is still with him. Luke saw such ugly marks, and still calls him gorgeous every day. Luke hasn't forced Michael into anything sexual, and he has been extremely patient with everything.  
Michael really misses him, and he realized that loving Luke is the best thing that could every happen to him.

Michael flopped back and laid on his bed, his phone by his hip and his eyes trained on a tiny crack in his ceiling, getting lost in the thin air around him.   
if Michael focused intently, he could almost feel Luke's arm around his middle...  
almost.

a few hours went by and his phone buzzed next to him.

a text from Luke flashed on his screen:

at 11:50, go to your window and stare at the sky until midnight... I'll do it too and then maybe we'll feel like we're together.

Michael blushed fiercely and chuckled at Luke's romance, rolling his eyes, the gesture laced with a sense of fondness.

he quickly texted back an answer:

okay. that's really cute, you sappy shit.

Michael saw that Luke had read the message, and Michael knew that Luke had laughed.

•••

when his phone read 11:46, Michael sat up, swinging his legs over his bed and standing up, stretching and suddenly realizing how cold it was in his room. he grabbed a black hoodie from his closet, sliding his hands through the middle and lifting it over his head, the material falling comfortably over his torso.  
he took a drink from the water that was on the next to his nightstand, then seeing that it was the exact time that Luke had wanted him to look at the sky. 

Michael smiled at how pathetically romantic it was, once again.

Michael could have said that he did it, and that it was sweet, and he could have just laid back down and gone to bed, but he refused to do that.  
Michael wanted to do what Luke wished... because a piece of him believed that maybe they would feel like they were together.

Michael sighed and walked up to his window, unlatching it, slipping his fingertips under the seal of it, whining as he fought to open it completely.   
finally when he heard the sound of it hitting the top, and he could see the night sky clearly, he began to feel sadness... but a hint of Luke was in there as well.

the sky was a deep, sullen indigo. there were scatters of stars and when Michael looked far enough, he could see the texture of the tall mountains, and he wished that Luke could be with him at this moment, seeing the exact thing. this was beauty, and Michael was feeling nostalgic.   
the stars seemed to stare back into him, and what was really a few minutes, felt like centuries... but Michael didn't mind. he liked that his mind somehow became swarmed up in the sky, it's it's utter beauty. but Michael did wish it was revoked around something else, but he found himself smiling at the thought.

"it's beautiful, isn't it?" the deep voice shouted beneath him. 

Michael's heart dropped;  
Luke.

Michael's heart dropped to the ground outside of his house, and so did and his eyes.  
he saw the boy, his boy, staring up at him with a wide smile in his face and Michael could have passed out.   
Michael didn't and couldn't say anything, and a gasp escaped his lips as he turned around. his feet were moving from his room,and his eyes were watering, but his mind was frozen with the image of Luke that he had seen moments ago. Michael's heart was leaping out of his throat, and he stumbled a few times as he sprinted down the stares.  
he didn't fall, and his heart wouldn't let him.  
Michael was panting and shaking as he threw open his door to see his angel in the middle of his yard.   
Michael stopped all movement for a moment a tear sliding down his pale cheek, his heart punching him, urging him to run.  
so he ran...  
he ran into Luke's arms.

their torsos collided and Michael felt sane. Michael's face was in Luke's chest, and it shouldn't be possible for him to breathe, but it was. Luke was Michael's oxygen, and they were in love. Michael began to sob, clutching as hard as possible onto Luke's sweatshirt, his feet planted sternly into the grass. his breathing was uneven as his choked sobs echoed against Luke's chest.

sometime in this mess, they ended up on the ground. they were tangled in a knot, and Michael felt at home... this was home.

they were both resting on their knees, and their legs were intertwined.  
their arms were wrapped securely around one another.  
Luke was silently crying against Michael's hair, his shoulders shaking, and Michael's cries were erratic and painful to hear because they held so much emotion. 

in the midst of this, they pulled away, only to have Luke's hands on Michael's slim waist, and Michael's hands tangled in Luke's hair.

blue met green, and Michael softly whined with shock that this was all happening. he wasn't going insane and picturing his boyfriend... Luke was here and he was so warm and he was crying, and Michael felt awful for making him cry... but he was so happy that he had the privilege to even spend one more second with him. 

Michael closed his eyes at his shock, but quickly snapped them open. he had spent two weeks without seeing Luke, and he wasn't going to go any longer.

Luke smiled as his tears continued to pore and Michael had to return it, because Luke was beyond beautiful.

they simultaneously leaned forward and kissed. it was sloppy and tasted like tears, but it was beautiful. Luke's lip ring was cold against Michael's lips, and Michael never realized how much he loved it. it was insane how their lips molded together and caused Michael to fall back in the yard, his head resting in the old grass. Luke followed his movements and maintained the kiss before pulling their lips apart, wrapping his strong arms around Michael's thin shoulders, holding him tightly.  
their legs intertwined and they hadn't said anything the entire time, because they didn't know how to start.

Michael had a million questions for Luke, but he wasn't going to spend this time questioning him. A michael just craved Luke, and Luke was what he got. Michael was happy, and the love that filled his veins was overwhelming. 

Michael felt one of Luke's arms move and heard Luke's phone being unlocked and then Luke dropped the phone, smiling.   
he met eyes with the boy and pecked him on the lips,  
"happy new year."


	46. fourty six

to most people, the idea of starting the new year with someone, is cliché and pointless...  
but Michael and Luke had experienced a lot in their relationship, and they allowed themselves to behave immaturely for once. they were letting themselves enjoy their love and their young age while they can.  
so, Michael held tightly onto Luke's hand as much as possible, their own sides pressed to each other's. Michael was so happy, and he couldn't help but feel as if starting the year with Luke was a good thing. he thinks that it's important, and he doesn't really care if others don't agree, because Luke does.

Michael had always found any romantic relationships irritating, rare, and overdramatic. he always felt as if people should try to lesson their intimacy until they got home, and that they should stop investing everything in their possession, to the relationship.  
yet, with Luke, he began to understand. he still tries not to irritate others, but he couldn't help but give Luke a quick kiss in public, or tell him that he loves him loud enough for others to hear.  
however, he can't control the amount of his emotions that have seeped into their relationship. Luke is so sweet and caring to Michael and he's never had that.

Michael was so accustomed to feeling used and broken and just so vulnerable that it was awful. however, Luke always found ways to reassure Michael how great he was, and how perfect they were for each other.

•••

the next day, Luke took Michael out for breakfast. the waitress was very sweet, and she commented on how cute they were together.

as they ate, Luke frowned and scratched at his neck.  
"Luke- what's wrong? did they get your order messed up or something?"

Luke smiled a little but it quickly faded,  
"no, no- it's fine."

Michael sighed,  
"please tell me what's going on. did I do something?"

Luke rolled his eyes,  
"of course not, you always blame yourself for no reason. it's just- did you eat while I was gone?"

Michael's eyebrows drew together,  
"what even makes you ask that?"

Luke looked away and bit his lip before speaking,  
"you're just way tinier than you were and you're swimming in that sweater I got you for Christmas, and it was oversized but not that drastically."

Michael cleared his throat and sighed,  
"I tend to f-forget to eat when I'm like- sad."

Luke's eyes softened drastically and he seemed to feel so awful. Michael felt guilty for saying anything.  
"I'm so sorry I left you- I shouldn't have done that. Michael I am so-"

"stop," Michael's voice was stern but still soft and he seemed to think for a moment, his eyes closed as he spoke, his words coming from his teeth,  
"I am trying to be less broken- that way you won't have to worry about me so much."

soon, Michael felt warm lips on his own, but they were gone in a flash and hands were holding his.

Michael opened his eyes and sighed, Luke with no expression, his lip between his teeth,  
"let's go to my house. I don't wanna talk about this here."

Michael nodded and released one of Luke's hands so that they could get up, but they stayed close together as they made their way outside and to the car.

when they separated and got into Luke's truck, the fog on the windows clouded Michael's view, but he stared at the shape of the dark trees that seemed to race past them as they drove. Michael sighed and looked back over to Luke. Luke's cheeks were red and his eyes were narrowed in thought. Luke's fingers seemed to shake even as they held the black steering wheel.

soon, they pulled up to the house and Michael stared at it for a moment, because it was so nice compared to his own, and it held so much comfortable and warmth that he missed.

Michael looked over to the boy, and his eyes were fixated ahead, a tear brimming his eyes.  
"Luke."

Luke's eyes shot over to him and then back to his house, and it seemed that he was snapped back to where they were.  
"sorry- let's go."

Michael nodded and opened the door, stepping out and closing it quickly so that he could make it to Luke's side.


	47. chapter fourty seven

when they stepped inside of Luke's house, Liz came out from the kitchen with a wide grin, mumbling on about how much they missed Michael while they were gone. Michael smiled and nodded, but he felt as if he was the only person that was upset that they had been gone. he can't imagine someone missing him that much.  
Liz was quick to pull Michael into a warm embrace, and he was oddly comfortable with it, even though his own mother's hugs were stiff and cold. the rare occasion that his mother did hug him, it felt rushed and all that he could notice was the stench of alcohol on her breath. yet, with Liz, he can smell a faint perfume and something sweet that she had been baking, and she seemed so comforting that it was obvious that she would only let go if Michael was okay with it.

she smiled down at him as they pulled away, walking and giving Luke a quick hug before disappearing into the kitchen. Luke was stiff, but quick to walk up the stairs and into his room. his talk figure sat on his bed and scooted back so that his back was against the wall.

Michael's eyes were open wide, and guilt was flooding through him,  
"Luke- are you mad at me for not eating?"

Luke's gaze met his and he shook his head,  
"no, no- I'm not mad at you at all."

Michael nodded but he was so disquieted that Luke had just said that to assure him. so stupid. Michael hates himself so much for letting himself hurt Luke, he's never seen him like this and he feels awful. Michael isn't good enough to hurt Luke, he doesn't deserve anything like him. it's strange, because he is letting his depression impair his relationship.

Luke was silent for at least ten minutes, his gaze away from Michael. the tension was thick and Michael was worried that maybe Luke had finally realized that Michael wouldn't get better. maybe Luke had finally lost his hope. Michael didn't know what he did to make Luke realize this right now, but he guesses that it's better now than later. if Luke leaves him now, he won't be as hurt as he could be in a year.

Luke finally looked forward at Michael, his bright cerulean eyes bringing Michael out of the fog that collects in his brain.  
"Michael, do you really think of yourself as broken?"

Michael seemed to shrink away, even worse than he usually did. the question was so close to home, he was so, so broken, and having to talk about it made his hands shake. his eyebrows furrowed with stress, his shoulders dropping. he didn't want to lie to Luke, but he hated to see Luke's sympathy. Michael knew that this was his own fault. he shouldn't have complained about his feelings to Luke, he should have kissed him and thanked him for staying with him, and that's all. however, Michael is a fucking idiot, and he spilled his guts to the boy. now, he's got Luke worried and curious, and he has left more of himself to feel vulnerable when Luke can't take care of him anymore. Michael isn't scared that Luke will abandon him out of hate or anything, he is scared that he will drain Luke of his happiness; the way Ashton's suicide did to him, and then Luke will be forced to leave so that he can attempt to mend himself. 

Michael's eyes finally snapped and his unsteady blinking went with his heartbeat as he realized that he hadn't answered.  
"Luke-" Michael tucked his hands inside his sweater, the hairs on the back of his neck standing up. 

Luke shook his head and bit his lip,  
"you think you're broken? I've made you feel like you're a burden."

Michael's voice broke in his throat and then he was grasping onto the sleeve of Luke's hoodie,  
"n-no." he didn't want Luke to blame himself for any of Michael's problems. "I- I just- you didn't-"

Luke let a clear tear slide down his cheek,  
"let me t-talk. you said that you wanted to stop being so broken. Michael you aren't broken- you're just sad, and that's okay." Luke's voice was vulnerable and heartbreaking, "you aren't some sort of obligation to me- I don't think of you as someone to take care of. I think of you as my boyfriend and just someone that I love. this is all stupid and cheesy but it's not a lie. when I heard you say that, it just broke my heart because you obviously think that way, and you're not broken- you're not." Luke was practically shouting by now, and his glossy, blue eyes were overly flooded and pouring over onto his pink colored cheeks. "you're not." his voice came out raspy, but stern, like he just needed Michael to understand about what he was talking.

Michael's words jumbled and stuck in his throat, his pink fingertips picking at the cuffs of his sweater.

Luke's eyes were even softer now,  
"I didn't mean to yell at you- me acting this way is not at all your fault." Luke bit his lip out of anxiety,  
"I n-need you to know that I wasn't at all trying to upset you I just-"

Michael shushed him,  
"you just care about me- I know, Luke," you could hear the smile in his voice, but he felt so guilty and sad.

Luke sighed and grabbed Michael's hand,  
"do you believe me?"

Michael seemed to shrink away from the question once again, because he knew that he was broken. it was incredibly difficult for him to believe that Luke didn't think of him as damaged, as disturbed. he got himself to nod, but he knew that Luke would see through it.

"Michael- I know that it's hard for you to believe how much I love you, but I need you to know that I don't think of you like that..." he trailed off and when Michael looked down, he continued, "fuck- I guess I get it if you think of yourself like that, but I- you are so perfect to me. I love you, I love you so much."

Michael's eyes we're pouring now and he just craved for Luke to hold him. Luke was distracted, his own eyes releasing his emotions. Michael frowned, but on the inside he was beating himself up; taking one of those fucking blades to his legs and tearing himself apart. he hated this. he hated that he did this to Luke. he doesn't want Luke to feel like he does, Luke doesn't deserve that. Michael moved up Luke's bed, sitting on his knees and staring at the blonde that was sniffling, his lip slightly trembling. Michael took the heels of his hands and rubbed at his own eyes violently, pulling all moisture from them, trying to gather himself together, for Luke. he took a deep breath and moved again, straddling Luke's waist as they sat. his knees were next to Luke's hips and he was sat directly on Luke's lap. Luke's breathing was shaky, but it calmed as time progressed, and Michael's small hands moved to play with the hair on the nape of Luke's neck. his chest collided with the blondes, his pale cheek on Luke's shoulder. Michael took a deep breath and moved to place a kiss on the side of Luke's neck. he could feel the boy's erratic heartbeat, and Luke wasn't as warm as he normally is, he just felt so sad. Michael realized that when Luke felt, he felt with everything he had, and that terrified him. he couldn't hurt Luke like this, never.  
"I- I really do love you, Luke."

Luke nodded and wrapped his hands tightly around Michael, not wanting to let him go.


	48. chapter fourty eight

days passed. Luke was back to smiling, but whenever Michael really looked at him, he could still see it. he could see that Luke was a bit of a mess too. Michael didn't get it, but he knew that Luke was convinced that he was great. Luke genuinely thought that Michael was something worth something. Michael still wasn't convinced that he wasn't thought of as broken, but he tried to shove those feelings down with the others, for Luke.

he came to a whirlwind of emotions these days since their talk. Luke really did love with everything he had, and Michael tried not to become comfortable with it all. it was almost painful to think that Luke would leave. Michael realized just how much he loved him, and it made him feel guilty... but then nights like these made him want to let himself enjoy it. 

they were taking a walk around Luke's neighborhood. it was some time after midnight, and it was cold as fuck, but they didn't care. they had taken this same route many times, and they never knew what made them walk at night. yet, whenever they walked, the tall, dark trees seemed to cover up the houses, and the stars managed to shine down, and it made them glad they did. Michael kept smiling at how beautiful all of this was. Luke was laughing about a story Michael had told, and his laugh was so adorable as it echoed in Michael's ears. it warmed Michael, and the guilt of loving Luke faded... because who could blame him?

Michael knew it would wreck himself, but he turned his head to watch Luke smile, and the taller boy met his eyes. Michael blushed and looked down, but Luke muttered how much he loved him, and Michael met his eyes again, stopping in his tracks. Luke stopped as well, but seemed confused. Michael was taken aback by how easy and sincere Luke felt about saying those words, and Michael was amazed at who he was with.

Michael shook his head and looked down at the pavement, continuing down the road. he kicked a rock around, and when he lost control, Luke kicked it back to him. it seemed to be a game after a while, and when Michael got excited and kicked it too far, Luke just laughed it off and they kept walking.

nothing much was said for a while, and Michael could feel that they were both deep in thought. he hoped that it was good for Luke, because it was for him. he hoped to not bore him, but in his own head, he was just so caught up on how much he loved the boy. Michael felt himself grin, but quickly covered it up. he watched his own shadow become more prominent on the ground, and he could feel car lights behind him, and then he was being lifted and carried onto the sidewalk. he laughed because Luke was clumsy himself, and had stumbled. he was finally set down, and he turned around to Luke, his own back against a tree. his smile was lingering on his lips, and Luke's was as well. Luke still had Michael's hips in his grasp, and Michael could feel Luke's warm breath on his lips.  
"is it just me- or do we always end up making out on these walks?" you could hear the smile in Michael's voice.

"isn't that why we go?" Luke brought his own face closer to Michael's, and turned his head to the side in question, and Michael slapped his shoulder. Luke chuckled and gripped Michael's hips, gently pushing him against the tree, his lips slowly moving closer to his.

Michael closed his eyes for a moment as he focused on every piece of him that Luke sent warmth to. he let out a shaky breath as he opened his eyes to see Luke's; they were so gentle and sweet, but they held something like attraction, and it made Michael feel so loved. Luke finally caught on to Michael's silent begging, connecting their cold lips and creating their familiar warmth. Michael hummed and let his upper back fall harder against the tree, and Luke's hands slid from his hips, gripping his bum. Michael leaned his lower half forward, and Luke moved his hips forward as well. they both let out what resembled a gasp, thinking back to that night in the park months ago. Michael didn't let his brain get in the way as Luke's tongue entered his mouth. he couldn't help himself as he moved his hand in between their torsos, sliding his hand down Luke's front, palming him through his jeans. Luke instinctively bit Michael's lip, moaning into his mouth. Michael's hand slowly rubbed Luke though his jeans, his own head leaning back and giving Luke access to his neck.  
"so hot, Michael," his voice was low and raspy, his lips starting to work a mark into the boy's pale neck.

Michael would have felt incredibly lied to and almost embarrassed that Luke would call him hot, but he couldn't help but let out a whimper at the feeling of Luke at his weak spot. Luke detached from Michael's neck, attaching his lips to the boy's again. Michael's lips moved slowly with the boys, his hand still rubbing Luke through his jeans. when Luke started to moan instead of just breathing harder, Michael could tell that he had tried to stop himself and pull away. Michael felt a little proud at the fact that Luke was as turned on as he was, and he obviously didn't want to stop. Michael gripped Luke through his jeans, and the taller boy moaned and bit Michael's lip hard, pulling away the slightest bit. Michael bit his own lip now, running his hand over Luke's bulge, before dropping it to his side, the corner of his mouth threatening to smile. Luke was blushing more than Michael was, and his breathing was so uneven that it was pitiful. Luke stared into Michael's eyes, a smile breaking through him,  
"you almost made me- like-"

Michael blushed deeply, and pecked Luke's lips to save him from finishing his sentence. he moved his small hands to sit on top of Luke's that we're on his hips, pulling them off of himself, starting to walk down the street again. he heard Luke groan behind him, and his shoes padding to catch up to him, before arms were temporarily wrapped around his shoulders, pressing a kiss to his cheek. Michael smiled, and when Luke was walking by him again, he grabbed his hand and intertwined their fingers.

their walk was a bit more awkward, because they both were hard, their lips were swollen, and Michael could definitely feel a hickey forming on his neck. however, they continued walking and soon it was comfortable again. they reached Luke's house again, and decided it was enough for the night. Michael followed Luke up the two steps to his house, walking in and up the stairs to Luke's room.


	49. chapter fourty nine

for the next few days, Michael was feeling rather conflicted. he was so attracted to Luke, but it was difficult. Michael was so insecure with himself, and the thought of Luke seeing every single scar at once. he couldn't tell if he was too thin or disgustingly fat. his body was something that he tried not to think about too much, because it was so repulsive. he wanted to find beauty within his body, but he couldn't. he wanted to show Luke that he trusted him, and that he really did love him, but sex was a huge commitment. he was an obvious virgin, and giving that away was so scary. Michael loves Luke, and he knows that he will devote all that he can to make him feel comfortable and loved. he also knew that Luke would never pressure him into things, and that moving forward in that way is completely up to him. Michael wants to move forward, but he doesn't think he can yet. he doesn't want Luke to be turned off by his scars. his scars look so sad, and they reveal almost all of how he feels deep inside. it's almost a diary for him, and that's overwhelming for someone to read his diary. Luke is so beautiful and caring, and Michael wants to let him in... he wishes he could. yet, in a moment like this; when they are cuddled together and tangled up in the blankets of Luke's bed, Michael knows that it's okay. he can tell that Luke wouldn't change any of it, and he doesn't expect Michael to. Michael wrapped his arms tighter around Luke. his stomach tightened with want and guilt for letting himself get so attached, but he smiled. there were tears falling from his eyes and wetting Luke's tee shirt, and he was extremely thankful that Luke didn't say anything; just held him closer.

it was so tiring being guilty and in love at once. Michael was fucking exhausted from the stress, but he'd never give up the love. it scared him that no matter what Luke did to him, he wouldn't leave him. the only time he would leave is to save Luke. he's thought of it a million times, but he doesn't want to do to Luke, what Ashton's suicide did to him. it's heartbreaking how thing with them- with everyone- always has to be so complicated. there are always a million things on the line, and you can rarely do anything about it. if Michael left Luke, he'd hurt him and himself; he would be betraying Luke when all he has done is love Michael unconditionally. then again, if he left, in the long run he would be saving him. Michael hates that he's wasting Luke's time. Michael isn't being a smart ass, but he knows that he's just a dot on Luke's timeline; someone that will become a distant memory. years later, when Luke is with somebody else, he'll probably see the color blue and think of Michael's hair, but that's all. Luke won't be running his hands through it like he is in this moment. Luke won't be planting a kiss on Michael's head, just because he can. that breaks Michael's heart, but he knows that it's bound to happen, and there isn't much he can do but wait it out. he does want to enjoy every moment, and let Luke think of this as a good time in his life. he hates being a burden.

soon he feels Luke's fingers slow down as they run along his scalp gently,  
"please stop thinking, baby."

Michael slid his leg between Luke's, letting out a small sigh as he nuzzled into him.  
"m'sorry."

Michael could feel the vibrations of Luke's chuckle,  
"don't apologize- just try not to do that to yourself."

Michael nodded, a blush on his cheeks. either Luke knows him too well, or he is so utterly pathetic that everyone can read him. the latter is probably the truth, and that's terrible. Michael doesn't want attention. he likes stepping back and letting everyone else do their own thing. he feels in the way and ridiculous. whenever he dyed his hair, his Dad would always ask him why he's trying to be a girl, and why he wants everyone to stare at him. Michael didn't understand. he liked dying his hair because it was a way to express himself artistically. he didn't think that there has to be gender assigned to hair color, he just thought it was cool- for himself. he didn't expect the gay slurs he received from it, and he didn't expect the compliments; he just liked his hair. so he guesses that it's better that Luke can recognize his mood, because he won't have to ask him, but if he knows, than Michael will feel uncomfortable. he tries to appear as an open book, but he isn't. he can't willingly share things without being terrified of the consequences. in emotional breakdowns or the deepest times of his depression, he has revealed things to Luke that he wasn't ready to share, but he's glad he did. Luke trusts him, and that's what he wanted.  
"you're still thinking, aren't you?"

Michael blushed fiercely and pinched Luke's side,  
"shut up."

Luke practically giggled into Michael's ear,  
"I love you."

Michael's blush darkened,  
"I love you too."

Michael relaxed against Luke's chest, his breathing becoming normal, but his mind continued to race. he couldn't help but think about everything that was on his mind. he felt Luke's fingers move to his hips, then run up his sides. Michael shivered, and then he could feel it, Luke tickled him. he practically screamed in laughter, jumping in Luke's grasp. Luke chuckled,  
"stop thinking so much."

Michael laughed and Luke continued, tickling his ribs and sides. Michael was laughing so hard that he could barely move, but somehow he was able to roll off of Luke. in his state, common sense wasn't at the top of his list, and he just sloppily scooted farther up the bed. Luke laughed and gripped Michael's thin legs, pulling him back down the bed, hovering over him. he tickled Michael's sides, and the smaller boy yelped, laughing and halfheartedly swatting Luke's hands away,  
"Luke- stop, I'm dying!" Michael laughed and fell harder against the bed, his stomach hurting from laughing so intensely.

Luke eventually stopped torturing the boy, moving down to kiss his lips, his hand resting on Michael's hip,  
"I love your laugh."


	50. chapter fifty

Michael doesn't even notice the scratching sometimes. he's looked it up before, he knows that he itches because he's healing, and healing is great. yet, Michael doesn't feel like he's healing. when he's dragging that sharp blade across his skin, he isn't healing.. and since he's looked it up, he also knows that since he is constantly thinking of it, his subconscious can make him believe that they are itching to draw attention to them. so when he scratches at them, he tells himself that it's a human instinct.. that he isn't purposefully harming himself. he isn't punishing himself, he's just relieving an itch- everything is fine. maybe he is just trying to make that itch go away somehow.

so when he's having a bad day, which is more common then he'd like to admit, it's gotten pretty bad. Michael never talks about it, but he feels as if the new scars on his hips say it all- no one sees, but he can feel it. as he walks in the crowded halls of school, he can feel the eyes dissecting and dragging every bump and skin cell that lived on the cuts up to their eyes. it's as if his baggy clothes do nothing to hide his secret. some days. the worst days have caused his healing wrists to become a canvas for him again, when they had been saved for so long. Michael is disgusting, he knows he is. he hates dragging that fucking blade across himself, but it's become a ritual now. whenever he is triggered, it spirals until a permanent mark is created. Michael hates that he does it to Luke. he can't miss the utter sadness that flashes through Luke's eyes when he sees Michael's new scars. it's not anger or irritation, it's something between disappointment and concern. Michael has become aware that Luke loves him. so with that, Michael knows that the blonde thinks that it's unreasonable. Luke doesn't understand that Michael deserves this. pain is what Michael deserves. his mother suffered because he didn't keep his mouth shut about his dad. Ashton suffered because he didn't speak up when his best friend wouldn't answer the phone. Michael is to blame, and he knows that all of this would be easier if Luke understood. yet, whenever he tries to explain how broken, how unworthy of Luke he truly is, he ends up a sobbing mess on Luke's shoulder. Luke just holds him and repeats that he's fucking wrong, and he's beautiful and out of Luke's league. those words make Michael's wrists itch and his heart swell all at once, because it's so untrue and completely ridiculous, but the words are what Michael craves to be the truth.

the truth though; that replays in Michael's head, chasing him and pushing him down. it's been a week or two and it's another bad day for Michael. he had messed up the day before; four new signs on his left wrist. it's neon to him, just telling him to go somewhere, to save Luke. he can't though, because he's selfish. so he spends that long, cold night alone, realizing that if he ends what they have, every night will be like this, and then he won't even be able to look forward to seeing Luke the next day. 

so school had gone pathetically slow, and Michael was itching all day. his soft sweater that rubbed against his arm did nothing to relieve any of the tension, and he had put of scratching them. he was already so guilty for doing it, especially on his wrists, but he needed the pain and his wrists definitely provided it. so he didn't want to scratch them, because Luke was on his mind and he didn't want to do that to him. class was stressful, he had to read out an answer. to any other person, that was normal; doable. it was different with Michael, his heart was racing in his chest until he swore he could hear it, and his voice came out so soft and broken that he wanted to cry. when he heard the word,  
"fag," being uttered by David, he wanted stab his wrists. he fought his tears as the teacher moved on to the other students, and he bit on his lip to hold in the scream that was rising in his throat. his hands shook violently, and his embarrassment was awful. he hated how dark and repulsive that word felt as it seeped into his brain, it had been a while. he stared down at the floor and the tears clouded his vision. he rubbed his eyes to clear his sight, and he almost jumped up when the bell rang. he grabbed his bag and threw it over his shoulder, knowing that once he got to lunch he would feel better. he made his way out of the room, his eyes watching his shoes until he felt his world spin and his back hit the lockers. he winced and the tears filled his eyes again, he didn't understand what he did this time, but he'd figure it out. David's brown eyes were tight and angry, his lips turned into a proud smirk, a laugh falling from his lips and the hallway was silent. Michael tried to ignore that a teacher even observed the situation and slipped back into their room.  
"you're fucking pathetic, Clifford."

he let go of Michael's shoulder for a moment, and Michael forced his hands against the lockers, hiding his secret. David rolled his eyes though, grabbing Michael's arm and yanking the sweater sleeve down, the angry red marks prominent.  
"you deserve this- fucking queer," he walked up even closer to Michael's face,  
"you-"

Michael's eyes were closed then but he felt the grip on his wrists disappear. the stress caused his ears to ring, and the breeze from the kids passing by made his tears feel frozen against his cheeks. his hears were still clogged but he could hear murmured yells and then a sharp slap that opened his eyes. he was met with David's teeth clenched and a hand covered his cheek, but Luke was a different story. he was standing- tall, and his cheeks were red with anger, his hands now balled up at his sides. Michael's hearing cleared and his heart seemed to continue to speed up as he heard Luke's voice,  
"don't fucking touch him- ever again," he sighed and his body seemed to stress even more,  
"y-you don't even deserve to see him- he is- just don't."

David growled and turned around, slapping the wall of lockers next to him, the loud ring causing others to jump. he stormed into the cafeteria and everyone seemed to take a deep breath, but all eyes were on Luke. the blonde didn't seem to notice, he just whipped around and sprinted to Michael,  
"I- are you-" Luke started, but he just sighed and kissed Michael on the lips briefly. Michael relaxed, but he was never used to public displays of affection. he shuddered against Luke's lips, and the tall boy pulled back,  
"come on," he grabbed Michael's hand and carefully dragged him toward the bathroom, slipping in through the door and locking the main door behind them. Luke grabbed Michael's waist and set him on the counter. Michael gasped but when he looked up, Luke was crying.  
"Luke- why," he sighed and tried to gather his thoughts,  
"why are you crying?" his voice was gentle but he was so worried that he did something.

Luke shook his head, biting his lip for a minute,  
"I- I'm so sorry I took so long."

Michael shook his head, resting his hands in his lap,  
"y-you didn't- it's okay."

Luke sighed,  
"Michael, I really- I don't want you to think that you deserve that. you don't deserve to be treated like that. you're s-so sweet, so beautiful. I don-"

Michael shook his head, loosely grabbing Luke's shoulder, urging him to move closer. Luke stepped between Michael's legs, running a hand up his thigh and resting it there.  
"thank you f-for standing up for me."

Luke nodded,  
"why did he even do that today?"

Michael shrugged, avoiding Luke's gaze by watching the boy's hand rubbing his thigh,  
"I don't know. we had to share answers in class and I got embarrassed. maybe he found it funny."

Luke smiled but he frowned,  
"what he did to you- with your sleeve- I'm so sorry."

Michael shivered at the memory,  
"s'okay. everyone probably knows, anyway."

Luke sighed, but it was likely, so he stayed silent.  
"did he hurt you?"

Michael shook his head, he didn't want Luke to draw any more attention to them,  
"n-no it's fine. I'm fine, Luke. I just got embarrassed." he set his hand on top of Luke's; who was still rubbing along Michael's thigh,  
"thank you, though."

Luke bit his lip, his lip ring sliding along his teeth,  
"you don't have to thank me," his voice was low and shaky but he moved closer to Michael,  
"I love you."

Michael smiled, wrapping his legs around Luke's, humming,  
"I love you too."

Luke's other hand now encompassed Michael's other thigh; using his grip to bring them closer together, his lips ghosting over Michael's, mumbling that he wants Michael to love himself, before kissing him. Michael wanted to pick apart Luke's words and make him understand that he could never love himself, but the blonde's tongue was in his mouth and his soft hands were all over Michael, and he stopped worrying about it. he knew they were supposed to be at lunch, but he wasn't hungry. he was embarrassed and sad, but he was fucking in love, and Luke was kissing away his negative emotions. so yeah, Michael had been itchy all day, and the only relief he got was when David's nails dug into them, but it's okay. it's okay because Luke was kissing him and grabbing him. Luke was telling him that it was okay, and Michael wanted to believe him. Michael was safe with Luke. he wouldn't get hurt by anyone and he would feel too guilty to hurt himself, so he kissed him back and he touched him. Luke was so beautiful, so kind, and Michael hoped he knew that. when the end of the lunch bell rang, they made out for a few more moments, before they had to calm themselves down and make it to class- swollen lips and all.


	51. chapter fifty one

Michael didn't mind drama, he liked a little distraction from himself. so as he sat in class, he remained as silent as the room was supposed to be. Michael focused, though. he could hear a girl behind him talking to her friend about how she wanted to break up with her boyfriend. he could see the exasperation on their elderly substitute teacher's face. she obviously had been through enough in her life. Michael wondered if she ever had someone like Luke in her life. he hoped that at some point, she did, because Michael knows that even the memory of an angel like Luke, could keep him going for a while. Michael sat and bounced his knee, knowing that he was way too dependent. he wanted to be carefree and strong, but he couldn't seem to get that under control.

it didn't help that he was also very stuck on what happened with David. his cheeks were on fire, screaming at him for being such a fuck up, such a failure. if he wasn't gay, and so nervous all the time, he wouldn't get bullied. if he just took some control of his life, Luke wouldn't have to give up his own.

"Michael Clifford?" the old lady's gentle voice rang through Michael's pounding ears, sending chills down his spine.

he blinked immediately, being pulled from his thoughts,  
"yes? I-I'm here," he spoke quietly and looked to the ground, wondering if the day would ever end.

the class passed slowly. all that Michael could think of was the harsh embarrassment he has endured all day. it was exhausting, honestly. all that he wanted was to feel normal for one day, that's all he asked for.

these thoughts were a never ending replayed mixtape. the painful thoughts and self doubt was ringing through Michael's brain, over and over again. he wished it would be over, but the sadness is comfortable. maybe it'd be okay if all that he knew was sadness. it's gotten to the point where that is mostly true. however, he can remember a time when he was happy- hanging out with Ashton before he knew the truth. he smiled- genuinely. he misses that so much. now the only time he really smiles is with Luke, and it's still hard because he feels guilty for it every time.

so when the bell rang, Michael's stomach tightened in fear of what could come. he didn't need a repeat of last time. he stood up and this time- he made sure his eyes were ahead of him, and his steps were well above the tripping zone; even as he avoided feet. he probably looked ridiculous, but he doesn't want David or his friends to find him.

Michael wants Luke's hand wrapped around his own, his pinky brushing along his scars with comfort. it's the one sort of touch along it besides a kiss, that doesn't cause the itch. he sighed in relief as he made it to his next class, and smiled in fondness when he received a text from Luke that said he missed him. it was all ridiculous and gushy, but Michael still missed him, and he couldn't bring himself to feel guilty for it.

so Michael made it through the day, and when his last class came, he was surprised at how eager he was to leave. yes, he had been eager before, but it felt different. other times, it was for a ridiculous reason- to make out with Luke, or go hang out with him. this time it was the unknown, and maybe a bit of a negative feeling. it all felt wrong, he wanted to call anyone he cared about and ask them if they were okay, and if he could do anything to help.

he also felt a bit dramatic and stupid, he hated seeming like the cry baby, the broken mess on the floor of the world. he just cared too easily and loved too hard. so he shot a quick text off to his mom, asking if she was okay, and by what he Michael could read from her rambles; she said she wasn't feeling the best but she was fine.

so Michael took in a shuddery breath- the kind that only a broken person could make; a breath that left so many questions silently rolling off his tongue and shaking his environment. he sighed and knew that he was being dramatic, but he couldn't help himself. he was glad that he realized that this must have been what was stressing him, but it didn't feel resolved. he chewed on the side of his finger for a moment, the pain letting his ears unplug and he listened to the lecture as he took endless notes that didn't consist of complete sentences.

with every tick of the clock, his mind bubbled and filled with more positive thoughts. he was so dependent that he could feel Luke's name carved into him, and that was terrifying. Luke would never want that, he doesn't want to own Michael. Michael has heard Luke mutter about how strong and original Michael was, and how it was insane that he could be just as great without anyone. it made Michael sick that he could never live up to his expectations. 

it was ridiculous that Michael's brain didn't let him except any compliments. he tore every compliment to shreds and examined every word; always finding the truth deep inside. however, there were a few exceptions; Michael counted when Luke said he loved him as a compliment, and he was able to except that because he knew it was true... and it was getting a little easier to hear Luke call him beautiful, but that wasn't because it was true. it was easier to hear because he had heard it so much. he knew exactly how Luke's low voice sounded as it echoed; whether it be in his ear in the hallway, or against his lips. he knew how Luke's mouth formed around the words as if they were a lot to say, but simple at once. 

what was strange is that he did it to every insult he received as well. he would flip it and dive into it; swimming around until he understood why the insult was true.

Michael scratched at his neck and frustratingly widened his eyes as he took more notes; his eyes blinking harshly. it was so maddening thinking so much and like this all the time. he didn't understand what even made his brain able to do this. it was so fucking ridiculous to worry this much and feel like he was choked with every thought. he bit down on his tongue until he could taste blood, and right when he thought he might scream from the ache to leave, the bell rang.

he knew it was stupid. he knew that his messy way of throwing things into his bag and his fast steps was all a bit too dramatic, but he couldn't really help it. it wasn't that he wanted to get out of school because of the work, it was because of the anxiety that flowed through him whenever a teacher would look at his paper, or when someone besides his small number of friends would pass him in the hall.

so when he got into the quad area, he walked to the library, because Luke would usually meet him there as soon as he could get away from people that flooded him with meaningless questions.

he leaned against the wall and crossed his arms across his body in insecurity, seeing a couple of death glares from David's friends. his nails dug into the flimsy material of his flannel, and the air seemed to rub his eyes dry. when he felt a hand gently tap his shoulder, he turned and met Luke's gaze,  
"you okay, baby?" Luke's eyes were darting across Michael's stiff features and the smaller boy nodded, but couldn't help the broken and relieved sound that escaped when he heard Luke's voice.

Michael removed one hand from around himself, and weakly grabbed for Luke's hand, intertwining their fingers. Luke let out a small gasp, and Michael's stomach tightened in fear that maybe he wasn't suppose to do that, and dropped his hand away.

he felt his hand gripped again, though- tighter.  
"no-no, I was just surprised. I didn't expect it, thank you." Luke's thumb ran along the side of Michael's hand, and soon he was leading them out of the building. Michael sighed and couldn't help but tighten his grip on Luke even more than Luke was on him. he moved closer to Luke, and their hands were joined at Michael's hipbone.

Michael wanted to scream. not just in frustration- that too. of course he wanted to scream about how much he hated himself and the world, and how he wanted to die but just couldn't. it doesn't even need to be said that he wished to scream for Ashton, and how much he blames himself for what happened to him, along with his Dad, and how broken his Mother is now. 

of course Michael could scream until his through turned raw, but he also wanted to scream for Luke. as they get into Luke's truck, Michael realized how much he wanted to grab onto Luke and scream that he should get out of Michael's life before it's too late- before he shatters everything. yet, he also wanted to scream how much he loves Luke, and how thankful he is for the time he has had, and how he loves him so much that he knows it's the right thing for Luke to leave. but since Michael is weak, since Michael is selfish, he stays silent. when Luke drops him off at his cold and broken home, Michael just kisses him feverishly and broken, only muttering that he loves him.


	52. fifty two

it was bad. many weeks had passed and Michael's stomach felt raw and his shoulders were tired of holding him up. he was being selfish. he knew that he shouldn't be doing this to Luke; holding onto him like this. Luke loves him now, Michael is aware of that. he knows that Luke loves him and thinks he's better than he is, but everything is temporary. everything will eventually go to shit and Michael has been trying to accept that lately.

he knows that he's cynical; he isn't blind to that. he just knows that he has a reason to be. he's damaged beyond repair and this beautiful boy is going to get lost in it all.

Michael doesn't want Luke to feel that he needs to leave because Luke isn't good enough for him- because it's the exact opposite. Michael doesn't know how he would ever explain that Luke will always deserve better.

Michael has been feeling this way for a couple months now and school is almost out and it's got to stop. he's got to tell him, right?

•••

they're in a park somewhere, walking a path that is falling apart beneath their feet and the words are crawling up Michael's throat. 'I don't deserve you' or 'this can't work'- but that makes it seem that it's Luke's fault. he sighs and his palm is itching to detach itself from Luke's hold. he wants to hold onto him forever, kiss the boy senseless and show him how much he cares, but he can't. he can't because then Luke would feel like he has to stay, and Michael can't leave him with that burden.

"Michael," Luke's voice cuts through him like glass: lovely, beautiful glass that he doesn't deserve.

Michael clears his throat and looks up to meet Luke's eyes as they turn a corner,  
"Yeah?"

Luke sighed and moved their hands to bump at Michael's hip,  
"Don't 'yeah' me, what's going on?" his voice was so gentle; always so gentle.

Michael looked to the ground and forced his body to appear less broken down,  
"I'm fine, Luke. just out of it today, is all," he forced a smile and Luke sighed defeatedly.

it was silent for many minutes and then Luke spoke,  
"am I doing something wrong?" his voice was strong at first but as the second question came, it dropped to a whisper,  
"do you like- not want- uh- me.. anymore?" he was stuttering and shaky and it wasn't okay.

once the worlds flew into Michael's ears and we're finally processed, his heart fucking dropped. he stuttered and looked around the park in desperation as if his loss of words would run back to him. he released Luke's hand and stopped walking to throw his arms around Luke's torso because there was nothing else to do. he whined and his nails dug into the boys back as they ran along the expanse of his worn shirt.  
"nononono.." he could hear a hum above him and felt a hand cradling his hair.

"are you sure? I don't want you to leave me."

Michael didn't understand. he just stuttered and chose to hold onto him instead of looking him in the eyes as he told him this.  
"Luke- I know I've told you how I'm worried you'll leave me and stuff and that's all still true but I've been thinking a lot lately and I don't want you to- well like- after you've loved me for a while and I've been happier- feel like you have to stay. I don't want to be a burden and I don't want you to sacrifice your happiness. I just understand if you have to go, it's okay. I just thought maybe I should ask you if you wanted to like.. end it now so that you won't have to later?" once the words left his mouth he felt like an idiot and he knew that it sounded awful. he wanted to fall off a cliff at this point. when Luke didn't answer, he said,  
"I just felt selfish for holding onto you- for loving you back. it's not fair to you b-because I'm temporary."

he heard a long sigh and then hands we're running down his back and hips and then he was being lifted and pushed against a tree. he focused on the scratches of wood against his back instead of the pain in the blue eyes ahead of him. there were a few pairs of strangers looking at them, but Luke was oblivious to them.  
"no."

Michael bit his lip and rose his eyebrows in question,  
"what?"

Luke's eyes narrowed and his thumbs pressed into Michael's prominent hipbones.  
"baby, please- you're wrong."

Michael sighed and rested heavily atop Luke's thighs,  
"Luke- I can't leave you, you have to leave me. I can't do it!" Michael's lip trembled and he teared up; he wished it didn't have to be this way.

Luke rolled his eyes and groaned,  
"Well you know what?" He slowly moved forward and his hands slid up under Michael's shirt to smooth against his stomach.  
"Maybe I can't leave you either." He felt goosebumps rise along the boy's skin and Luke pressed a lingering kiss to the pale boy's cheek.  
"So I suppose we're stuck together," a small smile appeared and it was beautiful.

Michael's stomach flipped and twisted but his heart warmed a bit and he really wished that he wasn't so hopeful.  
"Luke..." He bit his lip and thought that maybe they needed to figure this out.  
"I'm sorry, okay? this isn't me thinking I'm better than you; it's the opposite and I don't want you to think any of this was every your fucking fault because I love you so much."

Luke sighed,  
"if you love me and I love you, then why do you want me to leave?"

Michael groaned,  
"it isn't that simple, I'm fucked up."

Luke growled and brought his body closer to Michael's,  
"it is that fucking simple and you're amazing, so shut up and let me stay."

Michael nervously chuckled and shook his head,  
"it's your choice I just didn't want you to feel pressured to stay with me."

Luke's lips were on his and it was warm and conversational and there wasn't any space between them at that point and Michael was in far too deep.


	53. chapter fifty three

Michael has been attempting to do the good things about which he thinks. he wants to at least try to enjoy some of the little things, even if they're stupid or if it's hard. it's raining and he kind of wants to sit in it; so he does.

the concrete of the sidewalk is cold and damp even through his worn jeans. his soft, indigo sweater is doing nothing to keep him warm; constantly falling down to hug his arm and leave his shoulder bare, but he loves it. he knows there's probably some hair color trickling down his sore neck by now, and that his skin must have reddened from the cold droplets pouring down upon him. it was somehow invigorating. he loved feeling like the wind around him was passing to deal with it's own pain.

Luke said his rushed goodbyes a few hours before the rain started, his Mom needing him back at the house. Michael is trying to do things right. he lets the gloomy thoughts flood him like the summer rain is doing the streets and then he takes a deep breath and thinks.

Michael needs Luke; it's a known fact. he also is now aware that Luke loves him, and that Luke is convinced that he needs Michael too. so maybe, somehow, Michael can fix this. maybe he can mend what he has torn.

it's been on Michael's mind for a while now; finding a way to fill the void that was Michael's only moments of stress relief. he's starting to think that yeah, maybe he does need to see a therapist like Luke had briefly mentioned in one of his 'I'm just worried about you' rants. maybe that could help.

however, Michael's brain despises him and makes it's mission to chop up the positive aspects of Michael's mind. his brain makes him feel as if seeing a therapist would make things worse. he has nothing against the field of work, and he knows that they have saved countless people. however, opening up the dam of memories and tears would break him even more, wouldn't it?

at least when he's sad, he has something valuable to lose. it's awful how much he values the pestilence that is his depression. if he loses this constant pain and anger that pokes him with thoughts like knives. if he w would be completely different and blinding and too much. he hated change; in fact, he can't handle change very well. true happiness is nonexistent and unheard of to him at this point.

Michael remembers what being happy was; he knows that he was happy at one point. the only problem is that now Michael can't remember how happiness really felt- the flame in his soul was blown out with the incarceration of his father and the death of his best friend. all he's got is dusted ice in his chest, that only melts with Luke's embrace.

now he knows that Luke is determined to prove that he's staying. yet, Michael is worried that Luke just wants to prove it to him. maybe Luke is so worried about making Michael okay, that he isn't worried about himself. when Michael thinks about that possibility; he realizes that he might be doing that exact thing.

cars race by and Michael briefly wonders what they think of a sad, pale boy sitting it out in the rain, but then he realizes that they probably don't care. everybody's got their own shit with which to deal. he's aware that a lot of people don't have to worry about those small details in life; they're busy and doing okay. Michael just wants to watch people and avoid the things in his life. it's kind of awful.

a bike rider passes behind Michael in a flash, puddles splashing his shoes. it makes Michael wonder if she even saw him there, did she see him crying?

Michael didn't know why the fuck he was crying- however, wasn't he always crying?

it's just difficult to keep calm when Michael knows that Luke exists. he is breathing and warm and Michael has memorized the curves of Luke's broad shoulders and how they drop when he's worried. Michael loves Luke, shouldn't it be as simple as that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry guys. I promise I'm trying to go somewhere with this story lol.


	54. chapter fifty four

things are nothing but simple and everything but simple at once.

Luke loses his grandma and it shatters him for a while. they're at school when it happens. Luke's next to Michael at the lunch table, and the counselor walks up,  
"Luke, can I see you in my office, please?"

"why?"

she sighed and looked around to not be heard, but she even looked concerned talking in front of Michael- who was tucked into Luke's side,  
"private family matters that need to be discussed."

Luke felt Michael sigh softly against him and he spoke.  
"there's no one else here but you, Michael and I. you already know what's up, I don't know what's up, and my boyfriend doesn't know what's up. please just fill both of us in, because he would be the first to know about anything, anyway."

she crossed her arms and stiffened but tried to cover her uncomfortable manner with a soft tone in her voice,  
"if you insist. this morning, your grandmother passed away in her home in Perth as a result of her kidneys failing," her voice was soft and she gave a sad frown before continuing.  
"I am terribly sorry and will be in my office if you need to talk, okay?" with that, she walked away, her heels echoing under her feet; the sound lessening as the cafeteria's crowd increased in volume.

Luke's shoulders had dropped and his mouth closed in a line and Michael's words were caught in his throat. he tried to speak but he couldn't. he felt awful for Luke, he didn't know how to possibly comfort him. his mind did a little of the work for him, and now he had a hand resting on Luke's shoulder.

before Michael could finish saying that he was sorry, Luke was up and out of his seat and the cafeteria.

all Michael could do was curse under his breath and pray that his lungs wouldn't give out as he started chasing after him. Michael had run from Luke once, but he was actually running from Luke, from love. he knows it was a piece of shit move, but he's accepted long ago that he's a fuck up.

yet now, Luke's running away from loss, from shock- maybe even from the fear of being comforted. however, what's most important is that Michael is chasing him.

Michael speeds past the locker numbers that Luke had a moment ago, wishing that his endurance was a little better. his feet are padding on the concrete of the quad area and it gives him far too much saddened clarity to feel the pain of his harsh steps. he needs to hold Luke and tell him that everything's going to be okay, but he can't fucking catch him until he stops.

Luke stops when he pushes through the school's front doors and braces himself on the brick wall. Michael jogs forward and catches the door before it closes, using his remaining strength to walk up to the brick wall. the wind is harsh against his skin and the wind is all he hears until there's a choked sob.

Luke is bent over the wall, resting his head in his forearms.  
"she wasn't supposed to go yet- not yet!"

Michaels heart twisted and he wished Luke would stop banging his fists on the bricks because he was worried he'd really hurt himself.  
"I'm so sorry, Luke."

Luke's energy warmed for a split second then it was back to heartache.  
"she was fine! at fucking Christmas she was smiling and putting red food coloring in the cookie dough-" Luke laughs but it's bitter,  
"she was herself, you know?"

Michael's mouth curved up at the sweetness of Luke's words, but it still hurt to see him like this.  
"yeah. I'm so sorry, babe, I know how much she means to you."

Luke nodded and exhaled audibly, overcome with stress and sadness. Michael walked up beside him and grabbed his hand,  
"let's just go to yours, yeah?"

Luke nodded, ignoring the fact that they're officially ditching school now.  
"oh shit- my mom."

Michael gasped,  
"oh shit."

Luke pulled Michael with him and walked swiftly to get into his truck. as he's starting his car and pulling out of the parking lot he says,  
"why didn't she come get me or call me or something? I need to be with her!"

Michael tried to think clearly for a moment, and he answered the best he could,  
"maybe she didn't want you to find out from her when she's like- crying. maybe she couldn't get ahold of you or something."

Luke nodded,  
"yeah- okay."

Michael sat silent until his brain gathered some common sense. this was family stuff; Michael didn't need to stick his nose into this.  
"where do you need me, Luke? I don't want to interrupt you and your Mom's grieving periods."

Luke shook his head, turning the corner and driving until they're on his street.  
"I need you with me if you can be there, okay?"

Michael nodded,  
"of course, whatever you need, Luke. I just want to do what you need."

Luke sighed softly,  
"I just need you, alright?" his voice was so soft it broke Michael's heart, it was beautiful and sad.  
"and I mean- when my Dad left, my Mom told me everything would be fine and that she loved me a million times, but besides quick reassuring words, she kept to herself. I was kind of alone for a few years, she didn't know how to do it." Luke parks in his spot and turns to Michael,  
"she doesn't realize that she has like- a tendency to isolate herself. she gets so fucking wrapped up in no matter what emotion she's feeling and I love that about her, but it's hard when she doesn't really see anyone else's, you know?"

Michael nodded and his heart jumped a few times at Luke's intelligence that he hides so well.  
"yeah, thanks for telling me all that. if your Mom doesn't want me here, though, please tell me."

Luke nodded,  
"it'll be fine. I'm sorry to bring you into this heavy energy, I just can't be alone right now, okay?"

Michael nodded and they got out of the truck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SO SORRY ABOUT LUKES GRANDMA. the update shouldn't take too long, though. love you guys! pls comment


	55. chapter fifty five

the walk to Luke's front door is filled with many things. there's the rush of 'let's get this over with,' because the situation is so awful. there's the worry and dread that Liz is a completely heartbroken mess. there's the emptiness in Luke's soul that he's worried had been his Grandma, that even reaches Michael due to it's strength.

however, when they reach the door, Luke sighs and pushes it open, walking in with a shaky sigh. they both walk around to check the downstairs, knowing that she's there because of her car parked in the driveway. however, there is no sign of her. they both walk upstairs and Luke turns to him in the small loft,  
"can you just meet me in my room, I think she's in hers; I'm gonna go check on her."

Michael nodded and went straight to Luke's room, pacing back and forth the entire duration Luke was away.

meanwhile: Luke made his way to his Mother's door, knocking on it with the soft force it takes to blow out a candle.  
"Mom?"

Liz is sitting on the small bench attached to her vanity, holding a closed fist to her chest; her hair falling lightly on her cheeks. it takes her another moment, but she does look up. her big eyes are each pouring, waterfalls surrounded by cloudy skies of runny make up. her eyes are lost and filled with hurt and confusion. she looks insanely overwhelmed, and Luke wishes that it would stop, because it hurts him so much to see her this way.  
"Luke- I'm so sorry. I- I couldn't tell you myself. I just couldn't talk- my friend Jill made the call to the school. I'm so sorry, love. I'm so sorry."

Luke's heart jumped and he nodded, watching as she still clutched something in her hand, and he wondered what it could be.  
"it's fine Mom, s'not your fault. Michael made me come home, he knew I shouldn't be at school, so I'm sorry for like- ditching."

Liz had a small watery smile- shrugging despite the obvious tension in her shoulders.  
"I wouldn't have cared if you'd set your locker on fire in the process, at this point. I broke a glass plate."

Luke nodded,  
"yeah I saw the kitchen."

she pouted apologetically and spoke again, her voice raspy from sobs.  
"where's Michael?"

Luke bit his lip, worried he could have overstepped his boundaries with such a serious family matter,  
"in my room- I'm sorry I just needed him here."

Liz nodded,  
"it's okay, I would've wanted that for you. I know I'm not going to be what you need- I'm a mess."

Luke hushed her and walked over to her pulling her up and into a tight hug.  
"I would never expect anything out of you that's more than you're doing right now."

Luke could feel her tears spill on his shoulder and it broke his heart. if he lost his Mother, he's not sure who he would even be. so now, he just needs to do anything she needs.  
"what can I do, Mom?" his voice was gentle and sad, trying to control his tears as well. "what do you need from me?"

Liz smiled into the hug and hugged him tighter,  
"I need to not have to depend on you, you're such a good son to me."

Luke shook his head,  
"what can I do, Mom?"

she nodded,  
"just take care of yourself, be with Michael; do what you need."

Luke nodded and pulled away gently from her embrace, seeing that she had been holding her Mother's orchid pin. he smiled sadly and ran his hand along the sculpt of the jewelry flower.  
"I love you."

she nodded and sniffled,  
"I love you too, sweetie." the words meant more than they sounded to represent, and Luke understood.

Luke turned and left her room, taking slow strides and pushing on the white wood of his own bedroom door. Michael's head snapped up from where he had been pacing and Luke smiled softly, toeing off his vans. Luke slid under his duvet, holding it open for Michael, who nodded and joined him.

the dark space in which they laid was partly lit from the small light crawling from between the blinds. the black material closed around their heads, the area warmed from their breathing. Michael looked at Luke and placed his hand onto his now stubble-covered cheek. Michael's eyes were wide as he read Luke's sad emotions.

when Luke spoke, Michael's brain shook violently with a cold force. his heart jumped weakly and he zoned in on every syllable,  
"she should have been able to meet you."

Michael closed his eyes and breathed in every sound. it was so sad and beautiful at the same time,  
"I would have loved to meet her."

Luke nodded and kissed Michael's palm before resting his cheek on it again. being alone like this with Michael- the environment so vulnerable- made Luke feel as if he could talk about anything.  
"she- she was so warm, you know?" he smiled,  
"I would walk into her house and it's like I was home. she wasn't like other old people. she didn't use her wisdom to make you feel like shit. she never used my age against me." Michael nodded, not saying anything because there was nothing to say. Luke was stating facts and it was beautiful.  
"she supported us. she didn't want me carelessly hooking up with girls and being an asshole to them, because who would? but she just wanted me to be happy. she didn't care if I loved a boy or a girl or anybody." he grabbed Michael's hand and laced their fingers together.  
"I've never seen someone look at me as proudly as she did. like with my mom it's a different kind of proud because like- she's my mom. yet with her, it was different. she looked like she was proud of me because I made her proud, not that she was proud to have influenced me, you know?" Luke was crying by now and the duvet was way too hot as their shield, but no matter how hot it became, they wouldn't leave the safety of this.

Michael took a shaky breath and then spoke,  
"you know, though-" his voice was scratchily above a whisper,  
"the good thing is that she's never fully gone. she'll be here always."

Luke started softly sobbing now, but it was a release of grief that needed out terribly. he grabbed Michael's neck and sobbed wetly into his neck, choked sobs escaping. he started kissing the skin, almost in a silent thank you. he kissed along Michael's jaw and on his cheeks as he continued to cry; and they were less kisses and more ways of reassurance that Michael was all he needed right now. he was just showing him love and as awful as the situation was, he hadn't ever felt as close to him as he did in this moment.  
"I love you, I love you- I fucking love you so much."

Michael nodded,  
"I love y-you more, Luke. everything is going to be fine, okay? we'll get through it."

Luke grabbed onto him more tightly, kissing him messily; conveying his trust in the boy. to anyone else, the kiss would be disgusting; a salty mess of tears and runny noses, but it was full of love and care. Luke was just physically explaining his affections, his care for him.

they pulled away but the duvet kept them close, and Luke pulled Michael on top of him. there was sweat rolling off of their skin from the intense emotions, but now they could both breathe properly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like this! please give feedback!! x :)


	56. chapter fifty six

it took a little while before its back to the way it was. the dull cloud of non-handled sadness hung over the both of them. 

Michael's leaving his class when he sees Luke slouched into his locker, his shoulders shaking. Michael pushed past people his heart in his stomach until he reached the boy. Michael turned him around by his shoulder and hugged him, pushing him against the locker. he knew that Luke just needed to feel secure. he kissed his tear tracks and scratched soothingly on his scalp, holding Luke close to his neck. Luke gathers the courage to continue his day, but it's rough.

Michael finds Luke broken down occasionally for a week, and when he asks what started it all, Luke tells him how things kept reminding him of his Grandma. he had seen orchids blooming in the grass next to the school, or dark blue tea cups at the thrift store. it's overwhelming for both of them. Luke keeps apologizing, says he's being a baby. Michael hopes Luke hasn't thought that of him when he has been broken for so long.

Michael is practically living at Luke's house, going home to check on his Mom; her mostly being gone from the house anyway. Luke's trying, he really is. they've played FIFA and had Calum over a few times, but it's just hard. Michael briefly thinks that Ashton would have been able to make Luke smile, he would have. however, this self allowance to think of Ashton, leaves Michael to remember how it feels to lose someone like that: that feeling of wanting to tap on their absent shoulder to tell them about your day, and then remembering that their shoulder is deep below the ground now. it's sad and perplexing.

Michael and Luke have been trying to fix it, trying to do things together without wallowing in self pity and sorrow for one another. they watch countless movies and do their homework- with extra studying- together.

it's been another week and it's a little better. Liz got dressed today, instead of wearing her pajamas. it seems like a sad excuse to celebrate improvement, but the whole house has been down.

Michael's noticed that- aside from feeling sad because of empathy, this has been a slight distraction from his thoughts. it's not like he wants this to last- he wants Luke better as soon as possible, but it's a little nice to be able to take care of Luke. he deserves that.

so he feels warm inside when Luke smiles as a silent 'thank you' when Michael does something as simple as bring him tea. 

Luke is at the stage of his grief, where he's mad. not at anyone or anything aside from the fact that he's sad. he's mad at his emotions for existing and being what they are. he keeps cursing himself under his breath when he starts to cry, and he's obviously tired of feeling the way he does.

Michael's tired of seeing him go through this; it breaks his heart to see the boy he loves teared about from the inside out.

•••

they're in Luke's room on a day after school; they're not sure what day, but it's hard to keep track of the days when they all feel the same. Luke's taking deep breaths and gripping at his hair,  
"I wish I didn't miss her this way. I wish it was like before; when I missed her but I knew she was still there."

Michael bit his lip,  
"she is there, not in the same way, but she's here for you. that hasn't changed."

Luke nodded and walked forward, running his hands through the sides of Michael's hair,  
"help me, Mikey." his voice was soft and shaky, "I just want to stop thinking for a while. what do I do?"

Michael nodded and brought their lips together for a moment, pulling away and muttered,  
"this?"

Luke hummed and grabbed his cheeks, bringing their bodies closer together, tasting Michael's mouth as if he hadn't before. Michael didn't know he was moving but soon his back hit the dresser and the sound of it on the wall bounced around in his ears until the echo stopped. Luke kissed him feverishly, his hand sliding to the side of Michael's neck; his fingers loose around his soft flesh. Luke pulled away to mutter,  
"beautiful," catching his breath with his head against a very flustered Michael.

Luke licked Michael's bottom lip and pulled it with his teeth until their mouths were able to dance again. the room was so warm and heavy; their hearts low in their chests. Michael whimpered and pushed his nail's into Luke's back, pulling him  
even closer.  
"I l-love you Luke," he mumbled and kissed Luke's jaw as he heard the words returned with a whisper. Michael kissed him softly again; just a press of his lips to Luke's. Michael let himself quickly examine Luke's state. his lips were bright pink and glossy from the kiss; his eyes blown out beautifully with lust. he looked fucked out and in another world and it undoubtedly drove Michael crazy.

Michael walked Luke to the side to quickly lock the door- just to avoid an awkward encounter with Liz. they hadn't gone all the way- not at all, and they wouldn't in such an emotional time, but they had to be cautious of knock-less entries. Michael softly chuckled as he stumbled his way with Luke guiding him. Michael' back hit the bed and everything around him went fuzzy, shaky fingers pulling on Luke's waist band in an attempt to bring him closer. Luke pulled away to let them catch their breath, moving his lips down to the spot between Michael's neck and collarbone; missing seeing a faded purple there. so he makes a new mark, licking over the skin and sucking on it; his teeth playfully dragging from it up to Michael's lips again, the slight tickle causing a shiver.

the evening sun hanging in the sky, hugged by clouds, let them see what they needed. Michael felt like he could see all of Luke's tears he has shed over this tragic loss, finally drying up. not killing the new ones, but at least letting him continue instead of freezing him in this stage of grief. Michael can feel Luke's heart beat alive and okay against his own heart. Luke hasn't seemed this alive since the first few seconds of that time in the cafeteria. that day was the one to provide him with the news to leave him broken for a while. Michael hated to watch him seem so lonely- especially when he had Michael at his side.

except in this moment, Michael can tell that Luke still feels lonely, but not completely. Michael can feel Luke's heart latching on to the love sent over from him. he can feel every shaky breath from Luke's chest sent into Michael's mouth. it's so beautiful and frantic, and it wouldn't be right if it didn't feel like it could drive them mad. Luke pulled away to mutter,  
"I'm so fucking sad but I also love you more than anything."

Michael pecked his lips and muttered,  
"back at you."

**Author's Note:**

> PLS leave kudos!


End file.
